Max's First Day of School

On Max's first day of school
They served ostrich eggs for lunch
And Max is allergic to ostrich eggs
So he had to skip lunch

When he skipped lunch
He wound up in Tie class
Where they teach you to tie a tie
Not like Thai class
Where they teach you about Thailand
Or Thyme class
Where they teach you to tell Thyme from Time

Max tied a few ties and then left
Before the bell rang
Which would have gotten him in trouble
Except he had a 'Handsome Pass'
Which they give to handsome boys
Because handsome boys get into trouble
But they never mean to

After Tie class, Max went to the Giant Frog
And asked it questions about life

The Giant Frog was a not a Giant Frog
But a Giant Watermelon
That the school had imported from Brooklyn
And put on the football field

After a few days, frogs everywhere had migrated to the Giant Watermelon
And made a colony of frogs inside it
So that the watermelon was forever ribbit-ing
And the students just started calling it
The Giant Frog

Max asked the Giant Frog if he should ask Lydia Miller
To the 'Grumpy Old Men' themed dance
Because she looked like a young Ann Margaret
And he had a great Jack Lemon costume

The Giant Frog told him to eat more carrots
Because his left leg was shorter than his right
And also, that he should destroy his Earth Science textbook
Because it was full of lies
Including the myth that frogs can't talk

Max didn't really want to destroy his textbook
And he didn't see how carrots related to Lydia Miller
But he went to the cafeteria, ate a carrot
And poured juice on his Earth Science textbook
Then asked Lydia to the dance

She said 'No, because the gays can't marry'

Lydia, at a very young age
Was already into social activism

At the last bell, Max went home
And told his mother about his day

He left out some details
Mainly regarding the Tie class
Because ties are boring
But he told her about the Giant Frog

'That's nice, Max. Go do your homework.'

His homework involved making a quiche
And stealing a twenty from his mother's purse
To learn about redistribution of wealth

'Okay, Mom'

Tomorrow was Thursday
He would fake sick

He didn't feel like doing a reenactment
Of the Battle of the Bulge
In the second floor hallway

It was just so...bleh