The Parka Problem

We have a problem

There are seven of the Dannica parkas
Seven, just seven
Seven parkas
In the entire city

I have a request
For four hundred parkas
Because LM is throwing a party tonight
And she wants to give out the parkas
To all her guests

She wants to give Dannica parkas
As party favors

I would have spit on her
But on my new meds I can't create saliva
So I just shot her a look

Well, not LM
Ronald, her assistant
Who is such a bitch

He tells me this over lunch
A lunch I thought was a date
Which was not, apparently
But whatever, who cares

Anyway

Dannica is in Sweden
And the seven parkas
Are in seven different places
And I have until eight tonight
To not only retrieve those parkas
But find three hundred and ninety three

KNOCKOFF DANNICA PARKAS

So that LM's guests
Can feel special

Oh fuck that
It's a foundation party
For sick kids

Like anyone's going to be able to tell the difference
Between a legit D-Parka
And a street one

The only way you can tell is if you look at the left sleeve
Which I highly doubt they will

The only one who will is LM
And I'll get her one of the seven
If I can get to that fucking junkie
Before she gets on the goddammed plane
Back to London

The other six are all at Bali's
Which is where I'm supposed to be
But I have to deal with the parka problem
Because Dannica only makes seven of everything

LM doesn't care
She thinks because her grandfather invented tupperware
That she can just order around everybody

She won't even ask how I managed to get four hundred parkas
In under twenty-four hours notice
She'll just look at them
And then, like, wave me away
Like I'm the fucking court jester

I love that she's throwing an F-Party
For sick kids

She's a fucking germophobe

If you sneeze anywhere near that woman
She has you, like, tackled by her bodyguards
And thrown into jail

I'd like to dip her parka in sheep's blood
She'd probably compliment the color
And then ask what too me so long

And fucking Dannica's at that stupid hoops convention
Because apparently hoops are going to be, like
So the grater next year

But, like
Why do you have to go to a convention for them?
What the fuck do you a need a convention for?
To understand hoops?
Are you fucking kidding me?

I should get on a plane to Sweden
And, like, crash her hoops convention
With like, my nipples exposed
In that bullshit toy shirt
She made last year
That she made Jude wear on the Details cover

All right, I have to go
Taxis are honking at me

I FUCKED YOUR ORPHAN, ASSHOLE!

God, like I care, you know?

Like I fucking care