The Birds Discuss Migration

'So...South?'
'Uh...sure.'
'Do you not want to go South?'
'You know, it's just...'
'Yeah?'
'Same old thing, you know?'
'Well, it's warm.  We sort of have to go where it's--'
'I know, I know.'
'--warm.  I mean, that's kind of...necessary.'
'Yeah, I realize that.'
'For, like, survival.'
'But don't you ever get bored?'
'Bored?'
'Yeah, with the whole--you know?'
'Migrating?'
'Yeah.'
'I mean, I've never really thought about it.'
'You've never wanted to...go someplace else?'
'Where would we go?'
'I don't know.  West?'
'Well, we could go west.  We just have to go southwest.'
'Why can't we go northwest?'
'Because it's cold and we would die.'
'We don't know that.  How do we know that?'
'We just do.  It's instinct.  It's survival instinct.  That's how you know if you don't do it, you'll die.  Because the word "survival" is there.'
'We could wear hats.'
'Where would we get hats?'
'It's just a--'
'And it's not so much the cold--'
'--suggestion.'
'--as it is the fact that we won't be able to find food.'
'The wolves find food.'
'What?'
'Wolves.  They find food.  They don't go south every time it gets a little chilly.'
'They're mammals.  They have fur!'
'We could wear coats.'
'How are we going to fly with coats on?'
'Maybe we could walk?'
'So now you want us to walk through the snow with coats and hats on so the wolves have some extra food to choose from come wintertime?'
'Well, geez, you make it sound so silly.'
'IT IS SILLY!  We're birds!  We fly!  Do you know how many other animals would love to be able to fly?'
'Like penguins?'
'Well, yes, I'm sure penguins wish they could--'
'You know penguins live in the South Pole--'
'Oh you've got to be--'
'--where it's very cold.'
'They're penguins.'
'They're birds.'
'They're stupid birds.  They send one of their own into holes in the ice, and if the penguin doesn't come back up, that means something ate it, and they all just waddle away all ticked off that they can't go swimming.  That is their loss prevention!  You want to model yourself after them?'
'You know what?  Maybe I do!  Maybe I want a little more out of life!'
'You want to be eaten by a sea lion?!?!'
'I WANT TO SEE SNOW!'

. . . . .

'I'd like to see it.'
'Oh.'
'Just once.  Just once I'd like to see it.'
'Well...maybe...this year...we can...fly by Colorado...on our way to--'
'We don't have to.'
'No, it's okay.  I...I'd kind of like to see it too.'
'Oh...well then...we should do that.'
'Yeah.'
'Yeah.'
'I think it's a very good idea.'

A Man Dressed as a Hot Dog Confesses His Sins

Well I didn't plan well
Financially speaking

I guess that's no big surprise

You invest in a hot yogurt stand
And suddenly you find yourself broke

Nobody tells you
That it's not really a good idea
To heat yogurt

Nobody tells you anything

You start wearing a sandwich board
For no reason
Just to wear it

You write your philosophy down on it
Like--

'Yogurt can be many things' and 'A girlfriend could have stopped this'

You stop showering
But you still put on cologne

You stop brushing your teeth
But you still chew gum

You stop talking
But you sing whenever possible

One day you realize
You want coffee
And you can't afford it

Not coffee
You can afford coffee
You just can't afford
To be wide awake

It's no longer in your budget
To stay alert

That's when you go to Harry's Hot Dogs
And take the sign out of the window
That says 'Help Wanted'

Even though you know they don't want 'Help'
They want a giant hot dog who can wave at people
Driving by Harry's

You don't care

You're a bad man
You've done bad things
You smell
You cry too much
You're a hot dog

You're a hot dog
And you're cool with it
You're cool

Maybe from here...something else?

Maybe from here
You can start
Clean and new

The Batman Villains Open An Italian Restaurant

Basically, we just got tired

You know how you get tired?

We got tired

One day Riddler and I are in the hospital together
Him with a broken leg
From getting a Bat-merang thrown at him

(By the way, why is it okay to put 'bat' in front of anything and make a new word?  Can't a boomerang shaped like a bat still be a boomerang?  I'm just asking a question, here.)

I'm lying next to him
In a full body cast
Because Mr. Ratwings
Through me off a building

And we're talking
And we're just going--

Nah, not for us
Not anymore, you know?

I'm just getting too old

So we call up Catwoman and Penguin
And we say, 'Hey, what do you guys think about going into business together?'

Not like that time when we tried to turn the United Nations
Into multi-colored sand
But an honest business

That's when it hit us--

An Italian Restaurant

I mean, how can you go wrong?

They don't have one decent Italian restaurant
In all of Gotham City

If you try to get a decent lasagna in this city
You're screwed

So we opened up 'Anthony's'

None of us are actually named Anthony
It just sounded like something an Italian restaurant should be named
Plus we didn't want to get hassled by the cops

When I opened up 'The Joke's On You' hot dog stand
In the late nineties
The police used to bother me all the time
Until finally I said screw it
And went back to crime

This time, I'm staying on the straight and narrow

And so are the others

Catwoman's doing front of house
Which is good for everybody
Because her risotto
Looks like the stuff she coughs up
During her yoga sessions

Penguin does the business end of things
Because the last time we let him in the kitchen
He almost wound up being the special

The Riddler's our chef
And let me tell you something
I don't know what he puts in that mystery sauce
But I saw a little old lady from Palermo
Burst into tears the minute she ate it

Of course, five minutes after that
She also burst into flames
But we've tweaked it a little since then

Me?

I take care of any problems that come up

Like the other day
Some guy complained
That his pasta wasn't cooked right

So I comped his bill
And threw him against the wall

He didn't stick

But he didn't pay either
So there you go

It feels good to run a respectable establishment

Poison Ivy keeps asking to buy herself in
But just between you and me

She's not good people

A Bunch of Straight Guys Engaging in Homoerotic Activity

So what we were doing was--

At the party, see--

What we were doing--

Hey Chaso?  You finish that bike?

Finish that bike man
Don't be gay

Don't be gay, dude
Finish the bike

Suck my dick!

Haha love that guy

So what we were doing at the party was

Awww, see him
Flashing his dick at me
That dude is sick, man

He's so fuckin' funny

Dude, put your dick away
Unless you want me to put it in my mouth!

Ohhh dude, I will
I will fuckin' bite that dick
Hahaha you're so fuckin' gay dude
It's sick

Hahaha love that dude

So anyway, at the party
There was Matt Corsi
Rick, Matt Tulley
JD, PJ, DJ, and Donnie D

And we're all sittin' around
And Donnie D's like--

'Yo, we should all take our pants off!'

And I was like--

'Hell yeah, I hate my pants!'

And Tulley was like--

'Dude, fuck my pants!'

And then DJ goes--

Hang on, one sec

Roger!  ROGER!

Dude, you bang that girl yet?

Dude, why haven't you banged that girl?

Dude, are you gay?

Dude, you're so gay

Dude, gay people aren't even as gay as you
And they're, like, trying to be gay

Hahaha I love that guy

He's been dating this girl for a day now
And they haven't even banged

Roger is so fuckin' gay

He's cool though

Anyway, we were at this party

And our pants are off
And Donnie D starts being like--

'Somebody make out with me like gay people do so we can see how weird it is!'

And I was like--

'Hell yeah!  That would be so weird!  But, like, in a funny way because we're not gay!'

And Tulley was like--

'Dude, fuck not doing stuff because it might make us seem like the people we're making fun of!'

And then DJ goes--

Hang on a sec

Noki!  NOKI!

I got those naked photos you sent me

Dude, those are so gay!

You're insane, Noki!

Hell yeah, I kept them
I'm gonna show your wife those pics one day!

I keep 'em right next to my bed
And I look at 'em every night
And I'm like--

'Ohhh Noki's so damn gay'

You're so gay, dude!

Hahaha I love Noki
He's insane

So anyway, at the party

We were all kinda just making out
And sitting on each other's laps
And, like, feeding grapes to each other
And just being crazy, you know?

'Cause we have fun
That's just how it is

And yeah, we make fun of gay people
But like, we make fun of everyone

Like, we make fun of girls
When we put on dresses and shit
And pretend to give birth to each other

And we, like, make fun of Eskimos
When we get naked
And roll ourselves up in rugs
To keep warm

Just crazy shit, you know?

But, like, gay people
Even though we don't hate them
They're just, like, confusing, you know?

Like, I don't get being gay

It's just--yeah--

It's, like, really confusing

Emo Boy at Barnes and Noble

Um, do you have any books about
The oppression of the intellectually superior?

Like, maybe something about how
If you're really smart
People hate you

Because people are dumb

Maybe something called--'Everyone's Dumb But You?'

Do you have anything like that?

Okay, well
Now I'm vexed

I wasn't vexed before
But now I am definitely
Vexed

Do you have this graphic novel
That's only made in China?

Apparently they have to smuggle it out
In the bellies of live pigs
Because it's uber-controversial

I would love to read that if you have it

You don't?

Well, could you send someone over
To get one?

I don't mind waiting for the pig
To release it
If that's the problem

Okay, well...fine

When I get home
I'll write a haiku about my disappointment
And send it to you
On recycled paper

Do you have a book on people who go see Nicolas Cage movies?

I want to find out who these people are
And how I can stay as far away from them as possible

It scares me to think that they're lurking among us

I don't necessarily need it to be a book-book
Just a map pointing out
Where all of them live

Do you have any pamphlets here?

Pamphlets are, like, the new thing
Books kind of aren't the new thing anymore
They were the new thing, and then they weren't
And they were again
But now they're sort of not
But we're not ready to categorize them
As 'not new' anymore
And by 'we' I mean, people who know stuff
Of which I am one

Do you have a book on how to make an origami bong?

I don't actually want to make one
I just want to know...how...to make one
So that I won't, you know, by accident
Or anything

...Even though it would be amazing

You don't have a book like that?

Ugh

And you call yourself a chain bookstore
That's going to exterminate Mom and Pop shops
For the rest of time

If you'll excuse me
I have to go to Starbucks

I'm not going to go in or anything
I'm just going to shoot looks
At the people selling their soul
For mainstream caffeine

It relaxes me

The Dog Knows Where She Is

Becky, I'm not playing around here
I am NOT playing around here, Becky

WHERE is the cat?

Mer, stay out of this
This has nothing to do with you

This is between me and the dog

Sally is missing
And the dog knows where she is

Innocent?

Mer, do you mean to tell me
You've been duped too?

This dog is no innocent

Sally is the innocent one
And she's gone missing
And Becky knows where she is

Where IS she, Becky?

You think I don't know
How you felt about her?

Your envy?
Your palpable envy?
It shines in your eyes
Like a rage-filled lighthouse of hatred

What happened, huh?

When me and Mer were at work today
Did you decide that this was your big chance?

You could finally get rid of the competition?
You could finally have the whole house to yourself?
You could finally get away from those judgmental stares
That Sally gives you
Every time you chase your own tail?

You think I don't know how that feels?
You think I like judgmental stares?
You think I like my wife looking at me
Like I'm some kinda moron
Just because I put anti-freeze
Where the windshield wiper fluid goes?

Mer, stay out of this
I'm having a one-on-one with Becky!

I'm sorry that your life is so tough
But that does give you the right
To just kidnap and do away with
Another living being!

You think I wouldn't like to just toss all my problems in a river
Wrapped up in one of those heavy-duty garbage bags
That we have in the garage?

You think I'm scared I wouldn't get away with it?
Because I'm not
I'm not scared
That has nothing to do with--

Mer, PLEASE
Can you JUST give me a minute here?

I live with the judgment and the nagging
And the pestering and the bickering
Because I HAVE to

Because that's how life is

And if I have to do it
By God, Becky
So do you

So I'm going to ask you one more time

WHERE--IS--THE--

Oh...

I guess she must have been hiding under the couch
The whole time

Well...phew, huh?

Good thing I didn't go get those jumper cables
Or this coulda got ugly

Ha ha ha ha

...Ha ha...

Ha

You know, Mer

Call me crazy

But I think we're ready for another pet

Bruno's Subway Story

So the guy get on the subway
Being all loud
Like he important

Like he somebody important
President riding the subway
Or something, you know?

So I say to him
You see that lady?

And I point to the sister
On the subway
With her cross
Hanging 'round her neck

I say--

She prayin'

Have respect

And he say--

'I'm sorry' and all that

And I say--''ey, it's okay, man--My brother?  He gets loud too.  Can't help it.  Can't hear too good.  You got that problem, mister?

And he goes--'Nah, nah.  I'm a genie.'

I say--'No shit.  You ain't blue.'

And he says--'I don't gotta be blue.  You want some wishes?'

I say--'How many three?'

He goes--'Yeah, whatever--how many you want?'

I say--'Ay, I dunno know, man.  One should be cool.'

So he goes--'Okay, what's your wish?'

I did a wish about my brother
I wished he could hear good
Because he wants to sing
But it's hard when you can't hear yourself too good

So I ask--'Can my brother sing?'

And he goes--'Sure, but don't he sing now?'

And I say--'Yeah, but not good.  Make him sing good.  Is that two wishes?'

And he goes--'Don't matter.  He's gonna sing like an angel now.  Nice meeting you.'

Then he gets off the subway
And that nun comes over to me

Puts a hand on my shoulder
And smiles

'You did a good thing,' she says

'I did two good things,' I say, 'I cheered you up, right?'

'Right,' she says, and the smile gets bigger

She pretty pretty for a nun
Which is nice and too bad
You know?

I go home and my brother sitting on the couch
And I sit him down
And tell him how he can sing now

My mother hears me
And yells at me
For talking to dirty homeless people
All crazy thinking they genies

But then she goes to work
And I start making dinner
And in the living room
I hear my brother watching 'Wheel of Fortune'
And singing

And to me, it sounds real good
Like he's been takin' lessons or somethin'

Sounds like the angel I wished for, you know?

Sounds like
I got my wish

Vaseline

So my project today
Was to sell a product
And even though I was initially assigned 'Chocolate'
I agreed to switch with my friend Tara
Because she cried
And when she cries
She sounds like baby livestock
So I traded with her
To get her to shut up

I hope you enjoy her presentation
On why you should buy chocolate

I believe it's called 'Yum Yum Goodie'

Be kind

I have been assigned vaseline

Why would you--tenth graders
Need to buy vaseline?

I think the questions is
Why would you NOT want to buy vaseline?

Are you aware
That vaseline
Has been found to prevent acne
In panda bears?

And are you also aware
That panda bears
Have the same skin consistency
As teenagers
Underneath all the panda hair?

They've done studies

Vaseline has also been found
To help darken skin pigmentation
When rubbed on the skin
Before sunbathing

Of course, it's only for those serious about tanning

I, myself, prefer to resemble
A Cuban farm worker
Before I show my face
At any social activity

But that's just me

Vaseline can also be rubbed on kittens
To dissuade mosquitoes
Who are known to be attracted to kittens
Because kitten blood
Tastes like blue Kool-Aid

Any zoologist will tell you that

In short, vaseline should be an integral part
Of your life
And if it isn't
Then you're a loser who can't come to my birthday party
Where, just so you know, Kirk Hansen's new rock band--

'The Broken Chimneys'

--Will be making their debut

I'm their agent

Any questions?

No

Didn't think so

Mr. Sharpe, feel free to give me an 'A' instead of an 'A+'

I like to leave room for improvement

Tara, you're up

Tell us all how we can get fat by eating too much chocolate
And acquire bad skin
That only vaseline will be able to cure

This oughta be good

But His Bathroom's Clean

Brit?

Brit, it's me

I can't raise my voice

Because

BECAUSE

Remember that guy from last night?

I'm in his bathroom

No, Brit, I am not USING the bathroom

I'm HIDING in the bathroom

Because I went to bed last night with George Clooney
And woke up next to George Burns

Why didn't you TELL me last night
That he was so old?

Brit, I'm pretty sure I saw the Dead Sea Scrolls
On his coffee table!

I came in here to see if there was a window big enough
To crawl through
But then...

Well...

His bathroom's clean

Brit, have you ever met a single guy
Who kept his bathroom clean?

This guy's bathroom is not only clean
It is immaculate

Brit, I have plates in my cupboards
That are dirtier
Than this bathroom

It's making me wonder...

Well, Brit, I am not getting any younger

Maybe it's time to stop being so picky

I mean, yes, he's old enough
To remember the Great Flood
But he also made me breakfast this morning
Offered to take me out to dinner tonight
And just slipped a note underneath the bathroom door
That says--

'I can hear everything you're saying and I'm only thirty-four.'

Wow

Somebody's had a hard life

Brit, maybe I need to start thinking about more important things
Than looks and intelligence and their original head of hair

Maybe all I can ask for is kindness
And a man who makes me breakfast
And a clean bathroom with a lovely pink chair in it and--

Wait, who puts a chair in their bathroom?

Does he expect people to sit in here?

And do what--reflect?

I mean, that's what I'm doing right now
But it shouldn't be a regular thing

Ugh, clearly Grandpa is a creep, Brit

Do me a favor

Get dressed and drive down Lyson Avenue

If you see some legs hanging out of a window
Pull over
And help me down

I'll see if I can find something to write with
So I can leave him a note

Well, c'mon, Brit

I don't want to be rude

It's Gotta Be Worth Something

What do you mean it's worth nothing?

It's gotta be worth something

I found it in an attic

AN ATTIC

You don't find junk in attics

You find junk in basements
And garbage cans
And dumpsters

Nobody puts trash
In an attic

Because then you gotta carry the trash
Up to the top of your house
And pull down the little ladder
And go up
And put down the junk
And then climb all the way down again

Who would do all that work just to hold onto something
That wasn't worth nothing?

I'm telling ya
This is quality

It was underneath a blanket

Do you throw blankets over your garbage at night?

'Oh no, better hide my trash so nobody takes it before the dump truck takes it away!'

Wouldn't make sense, would it?

Somebody didn't want me to find this
And I found it
And it's too bad they didn't take it with them when they moved
But that's their problem

I had to almost break a hip
Carrying it down
And carting it all the way to this antique store on foot
Because I don't like to drive my car on weekdays
When all the drunks are out

So what's it worth?

. . . . .

Seven bucks?

...Wow

I TOLD YOU IT WAS WORTH SOMETHING!

Now, here's my question

Can I get that in nickels?

I wanna stop by the slots
After I leave here

I'm feeling lucky today

Seventeen Seagulls

Mom, I did something bad

I fed the seagulls

That's why they're out there

There's seventeen of them
And I named them all
Even though you're not supposed to name animals
You can't keep

But now they're named
And so it's too late
To give them up

What are their names?

Uh...

Mike
Mike
Charley
Four
Five
Six
Sarah
Lucky
Cindy
Chair
Mike the Third
J.J.
Mickey
Abraham
Lincoln

(Those are two separate names)

Lightbulb

And Sophia

They're practically my children
At this point

I could bring them to school
And everybody in my class could play with one
Except for Scotty
Because he flicks boogers at me
So he can't have a seagull
But I should have two seagulls anyway
Because I found them

Well, they didn't exactly follow me home

It was more like...

I got some dental floss
And made little cowboy ropes
And threw it around their necks
Like in James and the Giant Peach
Except they seem way angrier than the ones
In James and the Giant Peach
Even though I explained to them
That they're super lucky
Because they don't have to carry around
A giant peach

Even though I might make them
Try lifting me up on my bike
But it's not like a bike is heavy or anything
And I weigh way less than a giant grasshopper
So it's not like it's a big deal for them

If I HAVE to give them up
All except for one

(And I know you'll let me at least keep one because otherwise you would be a heartless mother who likes seeing her child's dreams get crushed in front of his very eyes)

If I have to keep ONE
I would keep...

Six

Because that's the age I am
And I really feel a connection with him
Or her

I don't know how to tell
Who is a boy or girl or not
But I base it on
Which ones seem cooler than others
Because girls aren't cool

...Except for you, Mom

Anyway, Six and I have bonded

Mostly because he's the only one
That didn't try to attack me
When I was walking the birds
Back to the house

I think he's been tamed
Just like that raccoon I brought home last month
That lives out in the shed and...

I mean...

...The one I got rid of when you told me to...

I'll try to find homes
For the other sixteen seagulls
But I can't promise you
It won't take awhile

I'll be honest with you, Mom

They're not the friendliest bunch of birds
I've ever kidnapped

A Naked Woman on the Roof

Hey!  Sorry that took so long

I was talking to the naked woman on the roof

Um, I don't really know her name

I don't know if she has a name

She kinda just chills up there

And, like, doles out advice and shit

I was asking her about this thing with Gina, you know?

And she was giving me some good stuff

All about how Gina just needs to feel like a real person

Instead of, like, the girl I screw around with
When girls I'm more attracted to aren't home

Huh?

Dude, no, I did not have sex with the naked woman on the roof
You don't have sex with her
She's not someone you have sex with
She's like a fortune cookie

Did we smoke pot?

Well, fuck yeah
We smoked pot
I'm not just going to sit there looking at her
While she explains Gina to me
I'm not a creeper

At one point, she laid out a blanket
And had me lay down with her
And she used the stars
To explain the flow of life to me

Then we ate soup

She has, like, a little kitchenette up there
Some chairs
Some bean bag chairs
Some bar stools
A grandfather clock
A couple of cots

It's pretty cool

You've never been up there?

Oh, dude, you gotta go up there
It's life-changing up there

When I was telling about how I want Gina
To stop wanting me to talk to her
After we have sex

It started to rain

And I was like--

'Do you have a roof or anything up here?'

I forgot that we were, like, on the roof

And she was like--

'Just be in it.  Just be in the rain.'

Isn't that awesome?

Like, 'just be in the rain?'

That's so awesome

So we were just in the rain, you know
And I was pretty uncomfortable
Because I was wet

But I was also hanging out with a pretty hot
Soaking wet naked woman
So I kinda got over it

Then she was like--

'You should sing'

And I was like--

'I can't sing.'

And she goes--

'Singing isn't can or can't.  It's do or do not.'

And I was thinking--

Oh my God

This woman is like a naked Yoda

Without the little brown robe
And the ears and shit

So I know I can't sing
And I don't really want to look stupid
In front of her
So I just kinda do that Joe Cocker impersonation I do
Where I'm like--

'You are so beautiful...to me'

But because I didn't want her to know
I was doing Joe Cocker
I went--

'You are a naked girl...to me'

She laughed, so--
I guess I nailed it

Then we finished off the soup
And said a prayer to some goddess
Named Shee-ra or something
And I came back down here

Dude, that was the best seventeen hours of my life

It's so amazing to believe in stuff
You don't even understand

So wait--

Why did you send me up there again?

What You're Giving Me

Turn around
Let me check out the back

The back is fantastic
The front is fantastic
The side is giving me palpitations

I'm palpitizing

That's how good that is

You are giving me Jean Simmons in 'Guys and Dolls'
With a splash of Norma Shear in 'The Women'
And a twist of Lauren Bacall in 'Woman of the Year'

That is what you're giving me

And I am loving it

Bring in the next girl

Okay, this is very strange to me

Because I feel like you're giving me Katherine Hepburn in 'The Philadelphia Story'
But you could be giving me Grace Kelly in 'High Society'

It's a fine line
You're giving me grey matter
With a twist of ambiguity

And I am loving it

Bring in the next girl

Okay, you are giving me Diahann Carroll in 'Julia'
Vanessa Redgrave in 'Camelot'
Natalie Wood in 'Sex and the Single Girl'
Shelley Duvall in 'The Shining'
Nicole Kidman in 'The Hours'
And Jane Fonda in 'Barbarella'

You're giving me sass
A dash of 'social climber'
A sprinkle of 'trophy wife'
And a hint of 'cavewoman'

And I am loving it

Bring in the next girl

Okay, stop

Stop right there

You are giving me

Sarah Marie Benson
In the third scene
Of the Lifetime movie

'The Shame She Could Not Bear'

When she crawls into the bathroom
After just having been catcalled at
By some lewd construction workers
And pulls down that gorgeous robe
On top of herself
Right before scrubbing herself clean
In the shower

You are giving all of that to me

...And a little bit of Judy in 'A Star Is Born'

And I am loving it

Now go put on something else

Ohhh, I am getting it today
I am getting
What you're giving

I am getting it

Do You Know What Time It Is?

"Oh!  You're up!"
"Yeah, I was just studying for an exam tomorrow."
"Were you?  That's great!  I have such a great son.  I'm so proud.  I'm going to buy you something tomorrow.  Something that plays music and does your homework for you!  Well, goodnight!"
"Not so fast."
"What?"
"Do you know what time it is?"
"Uh, yes, it's very late--you should be in bed."
"Nice try."
"I was just...out...having fun."
"Having fun?  At four am?  What sort of fun can be had at 4am?  Were you tipping a cow?"
"Sweetie--"
"Robbing a 7/11?"
"Now wait a sec--"
"Maybe you were at the IHOP for the past three hours since all the bars closed tonight at 1am since it's a weeknight?"
"We, uh, well--I do love pancakes."
"Are you aware you have work tomorrow?"
"I'll call out sick."
"Oh, so you'll lie?"
"Well--"
"I don't think so, Missy."
"But--"
"You're not sick.  Although you do seem a bit, shall we say, tipsy?"
"I am not--"
"I made a breathalizer test for my last science project.  I still have it in my room."
"I may have had one or two."
"Do I even need to say how disappointed I am in you?"
"It was your aunt's fault!  I wanted to come at midnight, but she was driving, and she doesn't work so she wanted to stay out, and I didn't have a choice and--"
"Did you think about calling me?"
"Well--"
"Don't I have a car?  Don't I have a semi-license?"
"Yes, but--"
"No excuses.  What kind of example are you setting for Dad?  Didn't we just get him to stop going to those stupid poker nights?"
"I just wanted to have fun!  Why won't you ever let me do anything?  Jennifer's kids don't care if she stays out late!"
"That's because Jennifer's kids all snort glue and watch movies on demand when she's not there!"
"WHAT?"
"But you're not supposed to know that, so don't say anything."
"Look, it was just this one time."
"I'm sorry, Mom, but you've left me no choice.  I can't let you chaperone prom next week."
"But I already bought the dress!"
"I'm sorry, but there are consequences for actions.  I just don't feel like you're responsible enough to handle it."
"What about my spa day with your grandmother next month?"
"We'll see how things go.  Now get to bed.  You have that presentation on financial dynamics tomorrow."
"Okay."
"Good night."
"We're not going to tell your Dad about this, are we?"
"What do you think?"
"I think you're the coolest son ever?"
"Nice try."

Negotiating the Grade

"I'd like an A."
"But you received a sixty-five."
"I realize that."
"That's barely passing."
"I'm aware."
"That's an inch past passing."
"Yes."
"An inch, Miss Thomas."
"I understand."
"Then how--"
"I'd like to negotiate."
"Negotiate?"
"Yes.  This is a business course, isn't it?"
"It's an American history course."
"And you, as a teacher of American history, Mr. Proulson, would certainly agree that any course dealing with America deals with how America does business."
"Well--"
"So, let's negotiate the grade."
"I am not in the business of negotiating with my students, Miss Thomas."
"Mr. Thomas, there were only twenty answers on this test."
"I wrote the test, Miss Thomas, you don't have to inform me of its particulars."
"Each of the answers were worth five points.  That means only six answers stand between me and my A."
"Six answers can comprise a very long distance in a test with only twenty questions, Miss Thomas, or are you doing as poorly in Math as you're doing in History?"
"Mr. Proulson, I note your sarcastic tone, and I choose to ignore it, but I would like you to be aware that I'm noting it."
"I take note of your noting, Miss Thomas."
"Excellent.  Now, your question about Lincoln--"
"About Lincoln's assassin?"
"Yes."
"What about it?"
"It was flawed."
"Flawed?"
"Yes, flawed.  When you ask something like 'Who killed President Lincoln?' I mean, really, Mr. Proulson, such a loaded question, and hardly objective--"
"John Wilkes Booth killed President Lincoln, Miss Thomas."
"According to my research, that's up for debate, Mr. Proulson."
"Your research?"
"Yes."
"It sounds like you've done more work challenging the grade you received than getting the grade you received.  Isn't that funny?"
"It is suspected that Lincoln's Vice-President had a hand in his murder."
"I'm not interested in conspiracy theories, Miss Thomas, I'm interested in fact."
"Is that why you avoided asking us about Kennedy?"


. . . . .


"Congratulations, Miss Thomas.  You now have a seventy.  That's a C-.  It's nearly mediocre.  You can go now."
"I'm afraid I can't, Mr. Proulson.  After all, there's still the question of what Booth said when he landed on the stage of the Ford's Theater."
"He said 'Death to Tyrants,' Miss Thomas, and you wrote a bunch of gibberish."
"No, I wrote, admittedly in sloppy handwriting, 'Sic semper tyrannis' which is Latin, which is what Booth spoke when he landed on the stage of the Ford's Theater.  'Death to Tyrant's is merely the translation."
"I'm beginning to feel a strange kinship with Booth at this moment, Miss Thomas."
"But the answer--"
"You have a seventy-five.  That is as much negotiating as I am willing to do today."
"But what about Betsy Ross?"
"Is she still dead?"
"Yes."
"Then I don't care."
"You asked what she was famous for."
"Yes, I did."
"And I gave you the correct answer."
"No, you didn't.  Betsy Ross is famous for being the first person to sew the American flag."
"Actually, Mr. Proulson, historians have shown that she was only one of many women to sew the American flag.  Betsy Ross' distinction, and you can read this on my test, is that she--"
"Changed the stars from six-point to the easier five-point."
"I can show documentation."
"An eighty, Miss Thomas, a B-.  A respectable--"
"Roosevelt."
"Eighty-five."
"Nixon."
"Ninety!  An A-, and I can assure you, I'm not going any further than that!  Now, an A- is a far cry from your nearly failing grade.  Can't you let it go at that?"
"Oh Mr. Proulson--I wish I could.  But you see, the essay question was about Christopher Columbus, or as I believe you referred to him, a great explorer."
"...And?"
"He landed in Bermuda, thought he was in India, and gave everybody within a five mile radius of him syphilis.  Oh, and I'm one-third Native American."
"You've got your A.  Bravo."
"Have you ever been to Bermuda, Mr. Proulson?  It looks nothing like India.  I should know.  My parents take me to the Bahamas every time I get good grades.  Seems like that Columbus could have used a geography class, huh?"
"Miss Thomas?"
"Yes?"
"Would you like a one hundred instead of your ninety-five?"
"I'd love it, Mr. Proulson!"
"Then do me a favor--"
"Yes?"
"I'm teaching World History next year."
"Uh huh?"
"Don't take it."

Screwing You Up

I'm most afraid
Of screwing you up

I'm afraid I'm going to give you
All my bad stuff

My vision
My temper
My bad attitude

How do I know they won't dissolve
And reappear in you?

How would I help you if they did?
When I can't even beat them myself?

Not just the stuff on my list
But the stuff I don't even think of as being wrong

How can I hand that over to you?

You deserve money
Lots of money
And talent
And advantages

You deserve to start out ahead
Not behind

I sit and I look at your mom
Who I know is going to give you
Everything she's got
And it's all going to be good

But then I look in the mirror
And I worry all my shit
Is going to cancel out that gold

So just be your person, you know?

Do your own thing

And whatever that is
I'll be glad

I'll be glad
It's something you did for yourself
And not something
Somebody else handed to you
To improve on
Or make better
Or fix

You don't have to fix anything
I promise

I can't promise that I won't screw you up
Some other way

But I promise that you can walk as far as you want
In any direction

And it'll be okay

It'll be okay with me

The Safari

Eddie!

Eddie, the giraffe is looking at me

It wants to eat me, Eddie
It's looking at me like I'm a steak

Don't tell me they don't eat steak
They're wild animals

Why couldn't we just go to the amusement park
Why'd we have to go through the safari?

Kids?

Kids, don't be scared
The giraffe isn't going to eat us

But if it comes near the car
Climb under the seat
And start writing letters to your grandparents
Telling them how much you loved them

Your father's gotta be Captain Adventure
That's why we're all here

Remember this, kids
Whenever you feel the urge
To step out of the box
And live a little

Remember the way
That giraffe is licking his chops

We couldn't just go on a nice vacation
To the beach
Where we had that nice condo
With the flat screen and the patio
With the nice view of the ocean
So we didn't even have to go in it

Now that was a nice time

Instead your father's turned our happy little minivan
Into a cage of death

Hey Eddie
After this
Why don't you see if Six Flags
Can dip us into shark-infested waters
While Jaws swims around us
Trying to figure out which one of the kids
He wants to eat first

Maybe there's a fire pit we can walk across
Or a pack of rabid wolves we can wrestle

Well, at least it'll be over soon
Either the giraffe will eat us
Or we'll make it to the amusement park
Where I'll find a parked bumper car
And take a nap

No matter what
It was certainly an adventure

Brothers, Fishing

He's gotta go fish someplace else
Now that Tara got the job
In Soronina

His brother shows up at eight
With two packs
And a ham sandwich

They toss it around
Dad, Mom, their sister
And then Tara
And the job

What are you gonna do in Soronina?
The fuck if I know
Yeah
Yeah

His brother's been clean six months
Six months clean, unsteady
A shaky six months

Got an apartment now
Got a job
Paying rent
Paying bills
Doing good

And he's proud of him
Tells everybody
How good his brother's doing

But now he's gotta move
And Tara won't hear any different

We're not going to stay in this shit town because your brother's a fuckin' loser.
Tara, you know, don't with that.
What?  I'm supposed to throw my life away because your family is nothin' but drunks and junkies?
He's my brother, Tara.
He's gotta do it on his own.  That's what they all say.  Do it on his own.  How's he going to do it if you're up his ass all the time, huh?
Maybe I could stay behind until you're--
You're coming with me, or you can kiss my ass good-bye.  You wanna hang out here fishing with your brother while you stare at him hoping he doesn't knock you out again so he can steal your wallet or steal your car?  That's up to you.  But I'm leaving.  And Danny's coming with me.

That was her ace card
Danny

How's my nephew doing?
Straight A's.
Shut the fuck up.
Yeah, I know.  Little genius, that kid.
He's a good kid.
The best.

He remembers sitting with him in a car
In front of the police station
Crying more than his brother was
Because he didn't know what they were going to do
And he was sober, and his brother wasn't
And he had to get turned in
For stealing a car that didn't belong
To somebody he was related to
So there was no getting out of this

This'll get you clean, you know?
Mmm
It's for the best, you know?
Sure
I'll be here no matter what, right?  Because we're family.
Yeah
We're family.
Yeah

And now he was going
And so what did that make him?

A liar

But his brother wouldn't say it
His brother would just take it
And see what happened

That's how he always was

Take a drink, see what happens
Take a pill, see what happens
Take a walk into a police station
And hope for the best

Throw a line in the water and wait

Sometimes you get lucky
Sometimes you pull up nothing

They sit and they fish
And he worries about his brother

He'd call everyday
He'd come visit on days when Tara worked late
Maybe bring Danny to see him

He looks at his brother
And tries to imagine a bubble around him
Protecting him from everything that could happen

But what was worse
Was what was inside him
All that things
That could come out

You can't put a bubble
Within somebody

There was only so much he could do
From that far away
But he could hope

That's all he could do

Arnie and the Angel

There was an angel
Behind the tree
In Mrs. Butterfield's yard

I called out to him from my window--

MRS. BUTTERFIELD!!!

THERE'S AN ANGEL COMING TO GET YOU!!!

ANGELS ARE FROM HEAVEN
DON'T GO WITH THEM
IT'S A NICE PLACE
BUT IF YOU LIVE THERE
IT MEANS YOU'RE DEAD!

But the next day, Mrs. Butterfield wasn't dead
And that made me relieved
Because I worried that maybe he didn't hear me
Because my mouth wasn't as big
As my mom says it is

The next day, I faked sick from school
Telling my mom I had malaria

I don't know if she believed me
But she was running late for her meeting
So she let me stay home anyway

While everyone was at school and work
I went to investigate the tree

Sure enough, when I got to Mrs. Butterfield's yard
There were feathers all over the ground
And a piece of a halo
Caught on one of the lower branches

When I looked up at the top of the tree
There was the angel

I named him Jim

JIM!

I yelled

ARE YOU OKAY?

He didn't say anything
But that might have been because
In Heaven he goes by a different name

YOUR NEW NAME IS JIM!

I called up to him

CHANGE IS A GOOD THING!

Now I had to figure out
How to get him down from the tree

. . . . . .

'Hello Fire Department?  This is Arnie.  There's an angel in Mrs. Butterfield's tree.  I'd like you to get him down, but please be very gentle.  This experience has been very titanic for him.  Hello?'

'Hello Police Department?  This is Arnie.  There's an angel in Mrs. Butterfield's tree.  I'd like you to get him down, but please leave your guns at the police station.  I don't want him panicking and zapping you to death with his angel powers.  Hello?'

'Hello Dad?  This is Arnie.  I stayed home today because I have malaria.  Do we have any really long ladders?  Hello?'

. . . . .

All my plans were failing
And I didn't know much about angels
But I knew they can't last very long
At the top of a tree

Eventually they turn into squirrels
Which aren't nearly as cool as angels

That's what google said anyway

Finally, I knew what I had to do

I had to climb...

. . . . .

The reporters showed up around three
And my mom and dad got there a few minutes later

Mrs. Butterfield heard me yelling from the top of his tree
And he called the fire department
And then the police department showed up too
And all the neighbors
And things kinda got outta hand

I'd made it all the way up to the top
But when I got there
I couldn't see Jim anymore

So I just started yelling

DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME!
EVERYBODY LOOK FOR JIM!
HE'S NOT FAMILIAR WITH THE NEIGHBORHOOD!

My Mom yelled up--

WHO THE HELL IS JIM?

And I yelled down--

DON'T SWEAR!  HE'S AN ANGEL!

And she looked confused

When they finally got me down
Everybody applauded
But my mom and dad looked really mad

'Well,' my mom said, 'That answers the question of whether or not we'll be able to leave you at home by yourself this summer.'

My dad said my mom was working too much
And my mom said my dad was the same way
And it took Mrs. Butterfield clearing her throat
Really loudly
Near the two of them
So they stopped and looked at her

'I could watch him,' she said

They looked at each other

Mrs. Butterfield's yard was a mess
Because of all the people walking on it
And it was all my fault

Nobody believed me
When told them about Jim

Why would she want to watch me?

'I've got nothing else to do,' she said, 'I wouldn't mind.'

My parents said they'd think about it
But I could tell they were gonna say 'Yes'
Because they wanted to keep Mrs. Butterfield happy
After everything that'd happened

While they were talking to the police officers
Mrs. Butterfield leaned down and whispered to me

'Jim was my husband's name,' she said, kinda smiling a little bit, 'He planted that tree.'

She looked up at where I had climbed
Where the angel had gotten stuck
'He always did like checking up on me.'

Then she gave me a pat on the head
And went back inside her house

Penny and the Pool

I'm not going in the pool
But I appreciate the pool
I approve of the pool's existence

It's just...

It's just not my thing

I like sitting by it
I like laying by it
I like knowing it's there

All of this pleases me

But the pool itself

Well, I'd rather just look

It's sort of like a good lover

You don't need to interact with them
You just need to know they're there

It's also sort of like a birthday cake
When the frosting is perfect

You hate to ruin it
By diving into it

It's also sort of like...

Well, it's like a lot of things

I imagine the water feels cold
And the bottom of the pool feels rough
And the deep end is too deep
And the shallow end is so shallow
That most of my body will be out of the pool
And what's the point of being in a pool
If most of you is out of it?

I think about these things

And thinking about them
And then thinking about going into the pool
Gives me anxiety

So I prefer to just lay here
And relax
Knowing I don't have to go in

And in that way the pool becomes like a painting
A beautiful painting that I can appreciate

Nobody expects you to interact with paintings
They just ask you to enjoy their beauty

That's what my pool is like

Yes, it's exactly like that

Your Mother Worries

Jeff?

Jeff, this is your Dad
Call your mother
She hasn't heard from you since yesterday
And she worries

You know how she worries

Anyway, just give her a call
And--

Oh, hang on, Jeff

Hello?

Oh hey, princess
It's Dad

Yeah, I was just calling you
Because your mother said you were having a bad day at work
And she was all worried about you
And I said you'd be fine
But she wanted me to call
Just to make sure
You know
To put her nerves at ease and--

Uh, no, I don't think she needs to talk to you
I can just relay the message that you're fine

You are fine, right?

Because if you're not
Me and your mother could take you to dinner
You know, so she could see that you're okay
So she wouldn't have to worry

You know your mother worries

Uh huh

Okay, well
I'm glad you're okay

Bye princess
Love you

Hello?

Jeff?

It's Dad again
That was your sister
I had to check in with her
Because your mother was worried
But you shouldn't worry
Because she's fine
And everybody in this family
Worries too much anyway

Sometimes I think I'm the only one with a calm--

Oh, hang on
One second, Jeff

Hello?

Oh hey, Junior
How you doing?

No, everything's great
Your mother was just nagging me
To call you
And make sure you got in okay

Is the hotel clean?

Because if the hotel's not clean
I could always go online
And look for another one
Because if you're not in clean hotel
Your mother will never be able to sleep at night

Okay, well
If you do want to switch hotels
Just let me know
And it'll just be between you and me
Because I wouldn't want to stress your mother out
Any more than she already is

Okay, well
You have a good trip

Okay, love you
Bye Junior

Hello?

Jeff?

That was your brother
He made it to Boston okay

Your mom was a little worried
Since it's an two hour drive

People drive like lunatics nowadays

...She says

Well, gotta go
Gotta go make--

--your mom...get started...on dinner

You know me
Old Dad
Likes to sit on the couch
And relax all night

Can't help it
It's my nature

Don't forget to give us a call!

Love you

. . . . .

Hey hon?

Do you think we should go drive over to Jeff's place?

I just left him a message
But we could make a run over there real quick
After I'm done doing the dishes
Or maybe before I make dinner?

Well, I know he's a grown-up, but--

Okay, okay
I'll drive over there myself then

I just don't want you to worry

Just Keep Holding My Hand

Only took you six years to get here, huh?

Saw me sitting in amber sunlight
And suddenly it strikes
Like lightning

And that's okay

I didn't mind waiting

Well, I didn't mind...much

If your head wound up here
On my shoulder
Then no, I didn't mind

See that spot on the lake out there
Where the sunlight goes down
But it doesn't come up?

The spot where even the swans don't swim?

They say two lovers drowned out there
Years and years ago

And they say if you have a wish
Regarding somebody you love
That's the spot you wish on

There's a man out there fishing right now

He's been throwing his line
Right down into that spot
Hoping to pull out a miracle

His wife's sick, real sick
And looking at him
Makes you wonder
If there's anything in your life
You should be doing
That you're not

I could say you're a fool
For taking six years
To realize
We should have been sitting here
Since the beginning

But maybe I'm a fool too
For not pressing the issue

Maybe I'm a fool
For throwing my wishes
Into a spot on a lake
Instead of in your ear

Either way, we're here

Just keep your head on my shoulder
Just keep your eyes on that spot
Just keep holding my hand

And six years
Won't seem
All that long

God Speaks to the Sheep

"Hey sheep!"
"Bah."
"How's it going?"
"Bah."
"Oh darn, hang on.  I'll give you the power of speech.  One second."

. . . . .

"Hey sheep!"
"Oh, hey."
"How's it going?"
"Eh."
"Oh darn, hang on.  I'll give you the power of eloquence.  One second."

. . . . .

"Hey sheep!"
"Greetings, Lord."
"How's it going?"
"Monotony plagues us."
"That's too bad."
"Tis."
"Maybe I can help?"
"Can you alleviate the oppression of a life sustained only for the purpose of sheering and slaughter?"
"Uh...I can give you funny noses?"
"Don't trouble yourself.  We'll simply continue grazing."
"Oh darn, hang on.  I forgot to give you optimism.  One second."

. . . . .

"Hey sheep!"
"Hiya God!"
"How's it going?"
"Ohhh, can't complain, right?  We'd laugh but we're not sure we know how, but that's okay!"
"I'm glad you're in such a good mood, because I have a job for you."
"Do you want us to be jubilant?  Because if so, mission complete!"
"Uh, well, I like that you're happy, but I actually need you to spread a message to mankind."
"Sounds like fun!  What is it?"
"I need you to tell them that I'm flooding the Earth."
"A flood?  That sounds like fun!  Some of us could use a good swim to get rid of that excess summer weight!  Isn't that accurate, Carl?  Ahh, we were merely joshing you, Carl!"
"No, it's actually not fun.  Everybody is going to die.  And only two of every animal will be saved."
"So two of us are going to be okay?  Well, that doesn't sound completely morose.  After all, we can always have intercourse and create more sheep!"
"I'd rather not think about sheep intercourse, if it's all right with you."
"Suit yourself!  Unfortunately, we're not going to be able to convey bad news to mankind.  They don't handle that sort of thing as well as we do, and we'd feel terrible knowing we drenched their last few hours on Earth in despair.  Couldn't we just let them expire in peace?  It would be the kindest way."
"I guess you could do that.  Yeah, sure, why not.  The good news is all the sheep on Earth get to survive.  You'll just have to build a giant boat for all of you to stay on until the waters go down."
"Oh dear..."
"Is something wrong?"
"Well, you see, we've got our line-dancing tournament coming up this week, and we really don't know when we'll have time to construct the sort of boat that you speak of."
"But if you don't do this, you'll die."
"If we don't have our tournament, we risk the demise of the delicate culture of line-dancing.  One death is tangible and the other is intangible, Lord, but both are equally important."
"Okay, now even I don't know what you're talking about, and I created speech."
"Perhaps you could flood the Earth some other time.  We'd say next month, but that's when we're having our flamenco convention, and those are so hard to reschedule."
"Maybe you don't understand me.  I am offering your species the opportunity to be the only surviving race on the planet.  Aside from all the sheep and two of every other kind of animal--"
"That's the other issue.  We're afraid we wouldn't be able to coexist on a boat for any length of time if goats were to be involved."
"Why not?"
"We don't get along."
"Why not?"
"They smell."
"So do you!"
"But that's our smell.  We're used to our smell.  We can't tolerate the smell of goats.  We'll end up regurgitating our kale puree.  There will be kale on the cruise, won't there?"
"First of all, it is not a cruise.  It is a lifeboat.  It is the only thing standing in the way of your complete and total eradication.  Second of all, what the hell is kale?"
"Perhaps we should catch the next one."
"THERE ISN'T GOING TO BE A NEXT ONE!"
"Oh dear, somebody has a temper."
"Of course I have a temper!  I'm smiting everything in existence!"
"Maybe you'll change your mind."
"I won't!"
"Maybe you just need a nap."
"I'm an omnipotent being!  I don't nap!"
"Maybe that's the problem."
"Never mind.  I'll have the humans take care of everything.  Pick two of you that you want to see live, and the rest of you are coming up here with me."
"Okey doke.  Since there are always two winners of the line-dancing contest anyway, we could just--"
"One second.  I'm taking away your power of speech."

. . . . .

"Bah."
"That's right."

Keep The Plates Spinning

So I gotta worry about you now too, huh?
Do I?

Not enough

Not enough
That we haven't heard from your sister in a week
And when she left here
She was going in and out
Like a boomerang

Could be half-dead in a ditch right now
Could be in some halfway house
Like the one we found her in last time
Laying on a hardwood floor
People stepping over her
Like she was nothing
But a dirty carpet

Pulled her out of so many jails
And cars
And crackdens
It doesn't even phase me anymore

Doesn't even phase me
That my little girl
Is a hollowed out junkie
Who can't even stand up anymore
Without taking a hit to do it

And now you

Now I gotta worry about you comin' home too
Comin' home three hours later
Than what we talked about
Like it ain't nothin'

You think I'm so worried about your sister
That I wouldn't notice?

Or you think I need more things
To worry about?

Everyone's saying I gotta be careful
I don't neglect you
So you don't turn out
Messed up
Just like she did

Well I don't have time to be careful

I love you both
But if one of you gets sick
How am I supposed to not give more to that one?

Don't you understand that?
Tell me you understand that

If you were sick
It'd be the same way with you

But don't go thinkin'
You're going to start falling apart like she is
And get extra attention

Because so help me
I'll wash my hands of the both of you

Because I don't have any more attention
I don't have any more patience
There are even days when I feel like
I'm running out of love

So don't test me, all right?
Don't test me

You're both so damn selfish
And I don't know where it came from
I really don't

But here I am wasting my life
Worrying about you two
And neither one of you even care

Raising you two is like trying to keep the plates spinning
Like those old variety show people

I gotta keep spinning and spinning
And hope nobody falls down

Hope the bills get paid
Hope the dinners get made
Hope nobody winds up dead

That's my whole life now
Just spinning those plates

So please, I'm begging you
Listen to me, all right?

Don't give me one more plate to spin

He Apologizes

He apologizes
For the yelling
The broken plate
The words
The silence

He apologizes for the 'again'
For having to say he did it 'again'
After he swore he would never do it 'again'

Never again
Until now
So he apologizes

He apologizes for his weakness
For his temper
For his hands
For his dormant cruelty

He stresses that he's a good man
He's a good man
Who gets upset sometimes
Who does stupid things
Who crosses the line

But he's a good man
Because he apologizes

A bad man would not apologize
A bad man would just keep doing these things
And let them sit
Gather up dust
Not recognize that they're bad
Whereas he knows they're bad
And that's why he's going to stop

He's going to stop

Without help
Without counsel
Without assistance

These are family matters
These are not things
That need exposure
To the outside world

There is more good in him than bad
And the good will battle the bad
And the good will win

He is confident of this

And he apologizes to her
For having to witness this battle
To, even, participate
In this battle

But he is sure
It will be worth it
In the end

But until then
He will fight

And lose
And strike
And fall down
And break
And break things
And reassemble
And renew
And promise
And check--

--To see if she's still with him

If she's got enough room inside herself
To hold all his apologies

And as long as she does
He's going to keep trying
And trying
And trying

Until they make it
Or they don't

Walk Me Home

I saw this picture
I had to paint
Take in a moment
And put out a day

Deep amber starlight
Coming from streetlights
Like a Don Henley song
Feeling wrong, feeling blue

Too many men keep
Telling too many lies

I got up and fell back
Too many times
Too many tries

If you could do me
A little favor

I'd be obliged
And more than surprised

Walk me home

Don't teach me philosophy
Don't sing me a song
Don't write me poetry
My walls are papered with poetry

Every man on a mission
Knows a good ode or two

Don't do me no arts and crafts
And I won't do none for you

Can't you just walk me home?
Can't you please take me home

To wherever
You think
Home should be

A Good Burger

There ain't many things in life
That a good burger can't cure

And I'm going to tell you something
About that girl
And about Tyler
And about that girl being pregnant
And I want you to listen to me
Because I'm your dad
And that means I've done everything stupid that you're gonna do
And my job is to prevent you from doing it

I will fail
And you will fail with Tyler
And he will fail with that little boy or girl
That his girlfriend is pregnant with
Now do you understand that?

Course you don't
Because life is cyclical
Meaning we can't never catch a hold of it
And that's what either makes you love it
Or makes you jump off a bridge

I'd encourage you to love it

Now, when that wife of yours got pregnant with Tyler
I was just as upset as could be
Because I thought it was going to ruin your life
And my daddy, your granddaddy
Took me out for a good burger
At Chop's, which isn't even a place anymore
Just a Starbucks

He sat me down and asked me
If that wife of yours
Who was then your girlfriend
Was planning on keeping the baby
And I said, 'Yes, sir, she is.'

I called my Daddy sir
So don't ever let me catch you calling me sir
Because callin' him sir made him feel like my drill sergeant
More than my father
Which, in all truth, he was
But that's frosting for another cake

I said, 'Sir, she's going to have that baby, and ruin my son's life.'

And my Daddy said--

'Well, that ain't none of your damn business.  Your business is to love your son and love that baby and love that baby's mother, because all those people are family, whether you like it or not.'

Then the burger came
And it was real good
And I don't know if it was the advice
Or the way the juice from the burger dripped into the french fries
Making 'em taste like God was back there at the deep fryer
But somehow I got my shit together
Went home
And started getting used to the idea
Of being a granddaddy myself

Now I'm not saying you gotta be me
Or do what I done
Or love the situation
But you do have to love the people in it

Because the world doesn't need anymore judges in it
It needs more grandfathers
Like the one you had

And a few more burger joints couldn't hurt either

So you take a minute
And you eat your fries
And you do some thinking

Then when you get home
You give your son a hug

Then you call up my house
And tell your mother
She's going to be a great-grandmother
Before she turns sixty-five

Because I sure as hell ain't doing it

I'd rather just stay here
And enjoy my burger

A Different Sort of Prayer

In a small town in Italy
There is a statue
Where people go to pray

She is there now
At the statue
With a picture of her daughter
And a note

She places the photo down
And kneels
While people either walk past her
Or kneel down as well

It would have been their honeymoon today
And they would have gone to Italy
But not to some statue
To pray

Their daughter is getting married
In eight weeks
And she has to plan the whole thing

They haven't determined the procedure
For a father-less wedding

She supposes that she'll be the one
Walking Meredith down the aisle

She'll make the toasts
And the arrangements
And the payments

And the father-daughter dance
Will be left out of the program
And everybody will notice

She was angry when she left
As she had been for awhile
And Mer only asked one thing from her

Please do not come back angry

She does not want her mother to be angry
On the happiest day of her life

It seemed like a fair request

So she went to the little town
And found the pretty statue
And knelt down
With a note
And a picture
And a prayer

The picture is of Meredith
And her father
On her fifteenth birthday
When the entire family
Attempted to find the Grand Canyon
And instead wound up at Rich's Rattler Farm

She took the photo of her daughter and husband
In front of Bobby the Boa Constrictor
The Farm's poisonous cartoon mascot

On the note was the following sentence:

'A man should be there for his daughter's wedding.'

The prayer was simple

'Show me how to do this.'

When she was done praying
She stood up
And started walking
Back to where she'd asked the cab
To wait for her

On the way there
She passed a funeral procession
Coming out of a church
And it seemed fitting
And cruel
At the same time

She noticed a long line of mourners
All holding each other
And crying out
At different points
Like a chorus of tears

There was a picture of a man
Held by a little old woman

He looked like he was Peter's age
And she assumed the little old lady was his mother
But she couldn't seem to find the wife
Among the mourners

At the back of the line
Was a young woman
Barely walking
Slowly becoming separated
From the rest of her family

That was when she spotted a woman her age
Step apart from the pack
And go to the young woman

The woman her age tenderly put her arm
Around the young woman's waist
And the resemblance between them
Was clear enough
That she knew she was looking at a mother and a daughter

The mother, and presumably the widow
Supported her daughter
In a way that was not rushing her
While at the same time
Allowing her to walk
And catch up to the rest of the family

All the while whispering something in her ear
That made the young woman stop crying
And even begin to smile a little bit

After the procession had turned a corner
And were out of sight
She looked back at the statue
Where she had left her picture
Left her note, and said her prayer

Then she looked up
At the sound of a dove flying towards the roof
Of the church

It almost looked like the dove
Was trying to fly directly into the sun

And she closed her eyes
And said a different
Sort of prayer

You're Too Smart to Date Me

Look, before this goes any further
I have to tell you
I really don't see any future here

No, it's not that
You seem like a very nice person
It's just that
You're much too smart to date me

I don't really go for the whole 'intelligence' thing

I mean, you keep talking about books you've read
And ideas you have
And you're really forcing me to think about things I believe
And it's just a complete turn-off

I tend to go for someone
Who stares at me with a blank expression
Every second we're together

Someone who's walked into poles
Or parked cars
Or mailboxes
Or other easily avoidable objects

Someone who not only says stupid things
But gets them tattooed on their bodies

Someone like that

I don't want someone who thinks
Or talks eloquently
Or feels passionately about something

I just want someone really hot
That agrees with everything I say
And who never really likes me
Quite as much as I like them

That's my idea of a soulmate

So I'm just going to leave some money for the check
And head out

Good luck competing on Jeopardy this week
I'd say I'll watch
But I'll probably be at some bar
Trying to find someone
Who can't figure out how to use a straw

Sorry, but you know--

The heart wants what it wants

The Kids Are Behaving

Charles?

Charles, it's me

Don't talk too loudly
I don't want the kids to hear you

Charles, today was something else
It was something else, Charles

I'm not sure what to do

This is...this is bad, Charles

Brace yourself

The kids...are behaving

I know, I know
But it's true
They've been on their best behavior
I don't know what to do

Charles Jr. cleaned his room
Meghan did the dishes
Persia took out the trash
Liam asked me how my day was
And Katie didn't try to maim or injure
Any of the other four

Something is seriously wrong, Charles

They must be plotting something

All this good behavior
Is just a way to lull me
Into a false sense of security
Before they strike

And then what?

I can take them
One-on-one, Charles
But as a unit
They're unstoppable

Remember when they formed a coalition
To terrorize the Toomey twins last year?

I hear they're still being treated for post-traumatic stress disorder

You have to come home, Charles

No, not just today
I mean, permanently
Quit your job

Who cares about paying the bills
If your wife becomes a prisoner of war?

Charles, you have many strengths
But negotiating with our children
Is not one of them

Remember when I sent you to the store with Persia
To buy her new shoes
And she came back with a new bike
And Barbie's Newport Mansion?

If I'm taken hostage by them
You'll never see me again

Right now they're all in Liam's room
'Playing together'

Do NOT accuse me of being paranoid, Charles

Those children do not play together
Unless sharp objects are involved

I haven't heard one scream
Come from Liam's room
In over an hour

That means they're up to something

They're probably going to imprison me
In Katie's Fairy Clubhouse
Until we agree
To let them go see
'Fires of Hell IV:  Fire This Bitch Up'

Charles...

Charles, I just looked
And Liam's door is open
But they're not in the bedroom

I hear footsteps in the living room


Charles, they're coming for me
You need to get home right--


Charles?


Charles?


Oh...hi kids


Look at all of you getting along so well


I think maybe we should go out for ice cream
To reward you
Once Daddy gets--


Uh...Meghan...

Where did you get that rope?

Robin Comes Out

So wait...

You're not?

Ooookay

Um, this is really awkward

Are you...I mean...not to be, but...are you...sure?

Because, everybody kind of thinks...

I mean...your costume is...

I mean, I like it, but that's, you know, me...

Um, didn't you have a thing with the Joker?

No, I know you two fight a lot, but I thought it was kind of a...thing?

All right, don't freak out

It's not like I'm the only one who's been saying it

Me and the Riddler were hanging out last night and--

Yeah, we kind of hang out now, it's weird

I mean, I still hate him and all because of the whole supervillain thing

But part of me feels like it's kinda hot, you know?

Like, all those question marks?

I love a guy with some mystery

That's why I like you--uh, I mean--I...

Okay, fine, I like you

There, I said it

Are you sure you're not into me at all?

I don't mean to sound forward, but I am an acrobat

If you're not into me, why do you make me wear this costume?

And why do you call me Boy Wonder?

You're telling me that's not a sex thing?

Oh my God, the Riddler was totally right
You're a total closet case

Um, you have a lair

An underground lair

Clearly, you're not dealing with some issues

Uh, Superman doesn't have a lair
He has sex with his boyfriends in the Fortress of Solitude
Like a normal person

How do I know what?

About Super--oh, um...funny story...

Ugh, fine, you know what?

It's not a big deal

I'm gay
You're not
And we have a professional relationship
That works pretty well
So let's just move on, okay?

Oh, by the way
Batgirl wants to know
If you still have her shoes

Hey, don't kill the messenger

Don't Blame the Dog

Wilson, do not go blaming my dog
For that mess on the carpet

There is a baby sitting right there
With a guilty look on its face

So let's not jump to any assumptions, all right?

My dog has not piddled on a carpet
Since he was a puppy
And even then
He had the sense
To wait
Until I put a library book underneath him

That baby, and I say this with the utmost respect
That baby does not look all too swift to me

Yes, I can see that the baby's pants aren't wet
But that doesn't prove nothin'

Babies are crafty

That baby probably peed out of the side of its diaper
Like the octopi do

I know how babies work

Now if you'd like to get that pee analyzed by a lab
I would be happy to split the costs
Until we find out if that is lovely dog pee
Or dirty baby pee

But I'm tellin' you right now
That I am very good
At spotting the difference
Between the two
And that pee looks is puddling up in such a way
That I doubt my sweet little pup had anything to do with it

And look at how much there is of it!

That puddle is bigger than my Chachi

Chachi is the dog's name, Wilson!
What the hell were you looking at me like that for?

I am taking my dog
And I am going home
And I suggest you go out back
And ask those drunks
Which one of them
Left their spouting baby
Out on your carpet

I'll try not to be offended by this little incident
But if you don't get an invite to Chachi's birthday's party this year
Don't act like you're surprised

My Sister's Name

I put my sister's name
On Tally's Bridge

It's written all along the side of it
In big pink letters

And if they scrape it off
Or paint over it
I'll go back
And write it all again

My buddies had to hang me by my legs
And I could see how deep the water went
But I still did it
Just to see her name that high

I've been writing it on highways
And billboards
And road signs
And random walls

I even wrote it on the sidewalk
That runs along Dale Ave

It's not about defacing public property
I think everything looks better
With her name on it

I want people to see it
So they remember

I guess maybe I'll get used to her being gone

I won't get over it
But I'll get used to it

But I wouldn't get used to somebody
Asking me who she was

So I wrote her name everywhere I could
That way when people see it
They'll remember who she was
Or they'll ask who she was
And it'll keep her going, you know

I think of it like a balloon in the air

You just gotta keep an eye on it
And make sure it doesn't hit the ground

People come and go, you know
But a bridge and a road and a sidewalk

All that's there forever

That's how she should be

Eveywhere, forever