Sully the Cat Explains Human Mating Habits

I don't watch them mate

Some pets are into that

I'm not

Not at all

I watched two squirrels mate
From the living room window once
And if it's anything like that
I have absolutely no interest in seeing my owners do it

Owner Bill used to mate all over the house
Mostly with himself
And it was very awkward

I'd be sitting on the couch
Watching Steel Magnolias
And right when Pretty Lady dies
From drinking too much orange juice
I'd look over and see him in the bedroom
With the door wide open
Playing with himself
Like I play with my mouse toy

I liked Owner Bill
But I was happy when he met a girl who was allergic to cats
And gave me to Owner Cate and Owner Carl

At least they remember to close the door

The Owners mate whenever they have cake with candles on it
Which is about twice a year, three times if Carl remembers
Three times if he remembers something important happens in February

Sometimes they fight and then they close the bedroom door
And I'm afraid that means they're going to fight
To see who has dominance in the relationship
And one of them is going to die
But then I hear familiar sounds
And I realize they're just celebrating the end of their fight
By mating

Which makes absolutely no sense to me

You celebrate the end of a fight
By licking yourself
Not your opponent

Whenever Owner Carl gets to mate with Owner Cate
He gets so happy
He lets me scratch the couch right in front of him
And he just laughs

Part of me is worried that one day they're going to have kittens
And then they'll have to get rid of me
Because babies don't always like cats

Oh sure, show a baby a dog
And it'll just laugh and laugh
But as soon as it sees a cat
It knows that it's not dealing
With some stupid Great Dane
Who doesn't know the enemy when he sees it

That's why I'm so happy
Every time Owner Cate's sister comes over
With the screaming baby

That's when Owner Cate picks me up
Kisses the top of my head and says--

'I think I'll stick with Sully'

My humans may have odd habits
But I'll say this for them

They know a good thing when they see it