Confessions of a Ventriloquist Dummy

The thing is...

Ugh...

I don't respect him as a performer

You know, he's just...

He's always going for the cheap joke

Knock, knock jokes

I mean, it's 2011, you know?

We're not exactly pushing the boundaries of comedy here

I'm just...

I've been thinking about just going solo

I had a meeting with the Henson people last week
And it went really, really well

I didn't tell him about it because...

He just gets really melodramatic
Whenever I talk about the act

'We've been doing this act for blah blah blah we did this act on Carson blah blah blah a classic is a classic blah blah blah.'

I just tune him out, you know?

I think you just move past people at some point

You know, he's in his eighties now
And I'm...

Well, I'm wood

But I'm, you know, timeless

I'm going to be around long after he is

And I'm really sick of the knock, knock stuff

I'd like to add more darkness to the act, you know?

Talk about stuff that really infuriates me

Like termites and jugglers

You ever try following a juggler onstage?

It's like the crowd's just been flashed by an octogenarian
And then it's your job to make them laugh

Why can't we talk about that
Instead of how crazy his wife is
Or how much his wife nags him
Or how bad of a driver his wife is

You want to to know a secret?

HE DOESN'T HAVE A WIFE!

Every time he says 'Take my wife--please'
I want to say--'YOU'RE A LIAR!'

But I don't

Mostly because he doesn't have my mouth open at that point
So it's sort of impossible

. . . . .

I've been having this dream lately

Where I sit on his lap
And talk
Just talk
Talk as much as I want

And he just sits there
And listens

And the audience doesn't care
They love it
They barely notice him
Because they're so invested
In what I'm saying

I make them laugh
So hard they hold each other
And when the act's done
The entire audience
Is one big mass of people
Embracing each other

And that's comedy
That's real comedy

At least, to me it is

. . . . .

It's going to kill him when I leave

As much as he complains
He knows there's no act without me

Maybe when I'm gone he'll get another dummy

One who isn't as smart as me