Dear Mrs. Tanacki,
Thank you for offering me the role of 'serf' in Robin Hood.
Although I do not know what a 'serf' is, I'm sure you had the best intentions when giving me this part.
I am, of course, overlooking the shabby and haphazard way you ran the auditions. Not a single one of us performed a comedic monologue or sang sixteen bars of a song from the Disney canon.
Why did I bother learning 'Oo De Lally?' Why did I bother having my older brother Tony coach me to the point where I could cry on cue? Why did I skip snack time today so that you could feel comfortable putting me on a poster?
All a waste.
You know, Mrs. Tanacki, there's word going around that Donny, your Robin Hood, is also your second cousin's son. I don't like to spread rumors, but I do see a family resemblance.
And let's be honest, how else could somebody get a lead role with a lisp that strong and a talent that weak? Would you follow Donny out of Sherwood Forest, Mrs. Tanacki? I wouldn't even follow him off the swing set.
The chemistry between Donny and Natalie Nickleton was like the chemistry between my parents on Valentine's Day. Oh sure, you believe them as a couple, but you're hardly rooting for them.
Between the poor casting, the unprofessional behavior of the kids who were eating their own eyelashes and still got cast in sizable supporting roles, and the fact that set designer is also the school janitor--I feel I have to move on to other projects.
Instead, I'll be advancing to the next level by taking the lead role in Mrs. Brugel's third grade production of Atonement the Musical: Junior Edition.
I'll see you at the school theater awards in May...and every day in your classroom.
Respectfully,
Harry Hooper
PS. If you would like to respond to this letter, please e-mail my agent.
No comments:
Post a Comment