The Kids Are Behaving

Charles?

Charles, it's me

Don't talk too loudly
I don't want the kids to hear you

Charles, today was something else
It was something else, Charles

I'm not sure what to do

This is...this is bad, Charles

Brace yourself

The kids...are behaving

I know, I know
But it's true
They've been on their best behavior
I don't know what to do

Charles Jr. cleaned his room
Meghan did the dishes
Persia took out the trash
Liam asked me how my day was
And Katie didn't try to maim or injure
Any of the other four

Something is seriously wrong, Charles

They must be plotting something

All this good behavior
Is just a way to lull me
Into a false sense of security
Before they strike

And then what?

I can take them
One-on-one, Charles
But as a unit
They're unstoppable

Remember when they formed a coalition
To terrorize the Toomey twins last year?

I hear they're still being treated for post-traumatic stress disorder

You have to come home, Charles

No, not just today
I mean, permanently
Quit your job

Who cares about paying the bills
If your wife becomes a prisoner of war?

Charles, you have many strengths
But negotiating with our children
Is not one of them

Remember when I sent you to the store with Persia
To buy her new shoes
And she came back with a new bike
And Barbie's Newport Mansion?

If I'm taken hostage by them
You'll never see me again

Right now they're all in Liam's room
'Playing together'

Do NOT accuse me of being paranoid, Charles

Those children do not play together
Unless sharp objects are involved

I haven't heard one scream
Come from Liam's room
In over an hour

That means they're up to something

They're probably going to imprison me
In Katie's Fairy Clubhouse
Until we agree
To let them go see
'Fires of Hell IV:  Fire This Bitch Up'

Charles...

Charles, I just looked
And Liam's door is open
But they're not in the bedroom

I hear footsteps in the living room


Charles, they're coming for me
You need to get home right--


Charles?


Charles?


Oh...hi kids


Look at all of you getting along so well


I think maybe we should go out for ice cream
To reward you
Once Daddy gets--


Uh...Meghan...

Where did you get that rope?