Tony Hooper Explains the Birds and the Bees

Hi, my name is Tony Hooper
And I'm in the fourth grade

This is my presentation on the birds and the bees
Entitled 'Why Girls Are Gross:  The Story of My Generation'

First of all, my dad sat me down
To tell me all about the birds and bees
So I should be an expert by now
But when he was talking
He had a piece of food stuck on his lip
So I kept looking at it
And pretending it was talking to me
Saying 'Help me!  Help me!'
And when I started listening again
My Dad was saying--

'...And then you get a baby!'

I was real upset
Because I couldn't tell
If the birds were going to give me a baby
Or the bees

'So Dad,' I said, trying to play it cool
'Just to...make sure I got that...
Are girls gross?'

My Dad shook his head and walked away

I took that as a 'Yes'

That's my first of all

Second of all, my mom said that babies are made
When two people really love each other

That made me nervous
Because I love Destructo Man
But I sure don't want to have a baby with him

Otherwise I'll have to watch the kid all the time
While he's out fighting crime
And battling Breakatron

'Mom,' I said, 'How do you know if you're going to have a baby?'

My Mom thought about it for a second
Then said--

'It's when you can't do anything fun and you feel like you're going to throw up.'

Well, wouldn't you know the next week
It was raining out
So I couldn't do anything fun
And as soon as I was done eating my pickle and Oreo sandwich
My stomach felt really bad

My Dad found me in my room
Yelling at my Destructo Man action figure

'Tony,' he said, 'What's going on?'

I said--'I'm pregnant!  That's what's going on!'

My Dad looked super confused
I guess somebody fell asleep during Health class

Second of all point two, this girl in my class wants to marry me

Her name is Holly
And she proposed to me during recess
Right in the middle of the kickball game

Women have such bad timing

I said 'Holly, I can't marry you.  You're mean.  If we have a baby, then the baby will be mean.  That's called genetics.'

She got mad
And she's now marrying
Richie St. Thrune

He's a fifth grader
So he thinks he's cooler than me
But I saw him blow his nose in his hand once
And then wipe it on the map of Australia

So there ya go

I told my mom that I decided I'm never going to get married
And she said--'Why Tony?'

I said--'Because Mom, where am I going to meet a girl as cool as you?'

She laughed and gave me a hug
Then my Dad said--

'You're going to need a lot of therapy when you grow up'

I don't know what that is
But it sounds like fun

Now if you'll excuse me
I have to go have some ham
After all, I'm eating for two now