God Speaks to the Sheep

"Hey sheep!"
"Bah."
"How's it going?"
"Bah."
"Oh darn, hang on.  I'll give you the power of speech.  One second."

. . . . .

"Hey sheep!"
"Oh, hey."
"How's it going?"
"Eh."
"Oh darn, hang on.  I'll give you the power of eloquence.  One second."

. . . . .

"Hey sheep!"
"Greetings, Lord."
"How's it going?"
"Monotony plagues us."
"That's too bad."
"Tis."
"Maybe I can help?"
"Can you alleviate the oppression of a life sustained only for the purpose of sheering and slaughter?"
"Uh...I can give you funny noses?"
"Don't trouble yourself.  We'll simply continue grazing."
"Oh darn, hang on.  I forgot to give you optimism.  One second."

. . . . .

"Hey sheep!"
"Hiya God!"
"How's it going?"
"Ohhh, can't complain, right?  We'd laugh but we're not sure we know how, but that's okay!"
"I'm glad you're in such a good mood, because I have a job for you."
"Do you want us to be jubilant?  Because if so, mission complete!"
"Uh, well, I like that you're happy, but I actually need you to spread a message to mankind."
"Sounds like fun!  What is it?"
"I need you to tell them that I'm flooding the Earth."
"A flood?  That sounds like fun!  Some of us could use a good swim to get rid of that excess summer weight!  Isn't that accurate, Carl?  Ahh, we were merely joshing you, Carl!"
"No, it's actually not fun.  Everybody is going to die.  And only two of every animal will be saved."
"So two of us are going to be okay?  Well, that doesn't sound completely morose.  After all, we can always have intercourse and create more sheep!"
"I'd rather not think about sheep intercourse, if it's all right with you."
"Suit yourself!  Unfortunately, we're not going to be able to convey bad news to mankind.  They don't handle that sort of thing as well as we do, and we'd feel terrible knowing we drenched their last few hours on Earth in despair.  Couldn't we just let them expire in peace?  It would be the kindest way."
"I guess you could do that.  Yeah, sure, why not.  The good news is all the sheep on Earth get to survive.  You'll just have to build a giant boat for all of you to stay on until the waters go down."
"Oh dear..."
"Is something wrong?"
"Well, you see, we've got our line-dancing tournament coming up this week, and we really don't know when we'll have time to construct the sort of boat that you speak of."
"But if you don't do this, you'll die."
"If we don't have our tournament, we risk the demise of the delicate culture of line-dancing.  One death is tangible and the other is intangible, Lord, but both are equally important."
"Okay, now even I don't know what you're talking about, and I created speech."
"Perhaps you could flood the Earth some other time.  We'd say next month, but that's when we're having our flamenco convention, and those are so hard to reschedule."
"Maybe you don't understand me.  I am offering your species the opportunity to be the only surviving race on the planet.  Aside from all the sheep and two of every other kind of animal--"
"That's the other issue.  We're afraid we wouldn't be able to coexist on a boat for any length of time if goats were to be involved."
"Why not?"
"We don't get along."
"Why not?"
"They smell."
"So do you!"
"But that's our smell.  We're used to our smell.  We can't tolerate the smell of goats.  We'll end up regurgitating our kale puree.  There will be kale on the cruise, won't there?"
"First of all, it is not a cruise.  It is a lifeboat.  It is the only thing standing in the way of your complete and total eradication.  Second of all, what the hell is kale?"
"Perhaps we should catch the next one."
"THERE ISN'T GOING TO BE A NEXT ONE!"
"Oh dear, somebody has a temper."
"Of course I have a temper!  I'm smiting everything in existence!"
"Maybe you'll change your mind."
"I won't!"
"Maybe you just need a nap."
"I'm an omnipotent being!  I don't nap!"
"Maybe that's the problem."
"Never mind.  I'll have the humans take care of everything.  Pick two of you that you want to see live, and the rest of you are coming up here with me."
"Okey doke.  Since there are always two winners of the line-dancing contest anyway, we could just--"
"One second.  I'm taking away your power of speech."

. . . . .

"Bah."
"That's right."