Don't Blame the Dog

Wilson, do not go blaming my dog
For that mess on the carpet

There is a baby sitting right there
With a guilty look on its face

So let's not jump to any assumptions, all right?

My dog has not piddled on a carpet
Since he was a puppy
And even then
He had the sense
To wait
Until I put a library book underneath him

That baby, and I say this with the utmost respect
That baby does not look all too swift to me

Yes, I can see that the baby's pants aren't wet
But that doesn't prove nothin'

Babies are crafty

That baby probably peed out of the side of its diaper
Like the octopi do

I know how babies work

Now if you'd like to get that pee analyzed by a lab
I would be happy to split the costs
Until we find out if that is lovely dog pee
Or dirty baby pee

But I'm tellin' you right now
That I am very good
At spotting the difference
Between the two
And that pee looks is puddling up in such a way
That I doubt my sweet little pup had anything to do with it

And look at how much there is of it!

That puddle is bigger than my Chachi

Chachi is the dog's name, Wilson!
What the hell were you looking at me like that for?

I am taking my dog
And I am going home
And I suggest you go out back
And ask those drunks
Which one of them
Left their spouting baby
Out on your carpet

I'll try not to be offended by this little incident
But if you don't get an invite to Chachi's birthday's party this year
Don't act like you're surprised