You Will Add Me First

Listen to me, kitten

You will add me first

I will NOT, will NOT
Request your friendship

I am not the one in need of friendship
I have friendship
I am friendship
I am the friendship f**king care bear
With the tattoo on my stomach to prove it

So I do not need you
To bring camaraderie into my life

We have had conversations
We have had intelligent discussions
We have, at this point, over three hundred mutual friends
And we live in a polite society
That has been taken over
By the Big Brother known as Facebook
And that means everyone you know
Must know what you are doing at all times
And if you don't like it
I suggest you find a pile of sand
To bury your f**king head in

But in the meantime, you will add me first

You will not pretend that you're waiting for us to actually become friends

Do not act like you are not friends with some reality television star
Or some kid you went to school with that you hate
Or your aunt who lives in Tampa

You have people on that friends list
Who are not your friends
So there is no reason why I
Who, admittedly, am not your friend
Should not be on that list

You have at one point been in my presence

We have existed near each other

You are aware that I am not a figment of your imagination

You will add me first

Go home
Look me up
And click request

Because if you think I'm unaware
That this is all a little power play on both our parts
You're wrong

And if you think you're going to win
Any game involving me and power
You're wrong

If you think I will add you first
You're wrong

Dead wrong

You will add me first

And as soon as you do
We can be the best
Of friends

Until then

You'll be something else

And I don't think it's something
You wanna be