Seventeen Seagulls

Mom, I did something bad

I fed the seagulls

That's why they're out there

There's seventeen of them
And I named them all
Even though you're not supposed to name animals
You can't keep

But now they're named
And so it's too late
To give them up

What are their names?

Uh...

Mike
Mike
Charley
Four
Five
Six
Sarah
Lucky
Cindy
Chair
Mike the Third
J.J.
Mickey
Abraham
Lincoln

(Those are two separate names)

Lightbulb

And Sophia

They're practically my children
At this point

I could bring them to school
And everybody in my class could play with one
Except for Scotty
Because he flicks boogers at me
So he can't have a seagull
But I should have two seagulls anyway
Because I found them

Well, they didn't exactly follow me home

It was more like...

I got some dental floss
And made little cowboy ropes
And threw it around their necks
Like in James and the Giant Peach
Except they seem way angrier than the ones
In James and the Giant Peach
Even though I explained to them
That they're super lucky
Because they don't have to carry around
A giant peach

Even though I might make them
Try lifting me up on my bike
But it's not like a bike is heavy or anything
And I weigh way less than a giant grasshopper
So it's not like it's a big deal for them

If I HAVE to give them up
All except for one

(And I know you'll let me at least keep one because otherwise you would be a heartless mother who likes seeing her child's dreams get crushed in front of his very eyes)

If I have to keep ONE
I would keep...

Six

Because that's the age I am
And I really feel a connection with him
Or her

I don't know how to tell
Who is a boy or girl or not
But I base it on
Which ones seem cooler than others
Because girls aren't cool

...Except for you, Mom

Anyway, Six and I have bonded

Mostly because he's the only one
That didn't try to attack me
When I was walking the birds
Back to the house

I think he's been tamed
Just like that raccoon I brought home last month
That lives out in the shed and...

I mean...

...The one I got rid of when you told me to...

I'll try to find homes
For the other sixteen seagulls
But I can't promise you
It won't take awhile

I'll be honest with you, Mom

They're not the friendliest bunch of birds
I've ever kidnapped