You're Too Smart to Date Me

Look, before this goes any further
I have to tell you
I really don't see any future here

No, it's not that
You seem like a very nice person
It's just that
You're much too smart to date me

I don't really go for the whole 'intelligence' thing

I mean, you keep talking about books you've read
And ideas you have
And you're really forcing me to think about things I believe
And it's just a complete turn-off

I tend to go for someone
Who stares at me with a blank expression
Every second we're together

Someone who's walked into poles
Or parked cars
Or mailboxes
Or other easily avoidable objects

Someone who not only says stupid things
But gets them tattooed on their bodies

Someone like that

I don't want someone who thinks
Or talks eloquently
Or feels passionately about something

I just want someone really hot
That agrees with everything I say
And who never really likes me
Quite as much as I like them

That's my idea of a soulmate

So I'm just going to leave some money for the check
And head out

Good luck competing on Jeopardy this week
I'd say I'll watch
But I'll probably be at some bar
Trying to find someone
Who can't figure out how to use a straw

Sorry, but you know--

The heart wants what it wants