I'd Like to Announce That I Have a Hot Boyfriend

Attention everyone!

Please stop eating your lunches

Most of you should skip a meal or two anyway

We have junior prom next week
And the tailor in town is already overbooked
Letting out the seams
To half of your dresses
So put down the cheeseburger
And listen up

I, Brenna, would like to announce
That I have a hot boyfriend

I'm sure you've all met Solicito
The Italian exchange student

For those of you who haven't
He's the Adonis sitting next to me
Nodding a lot

Yes, that's right, Solicito
We're going to get you an American Happy meal
Right afterschool

He's so precious!

I know what you're thinking

You're thinking--
'Brenna, you're just dating him because he's hot'

Well, you're absolutely right

I'm sixteen

What's the point in dating someone for their personality?

I'll have time for that
When I'm old
And twice-divorced
Desperate for anybody who will have me

Why worry about it now?

If I want personality
I'll call one of my twelve gay friends
And my fat friend Lindy
And have a regular Personality Festival
Over at my house

But when it comes to who I date
I want some eye candy

What's the point of dating anybody
If you're not making everybody jealous, right?

Solicito, stop licking your palm!

I don't know if they do that in Palermo
But here in America
We only lick stamps!

Stampo!  El Stampo!

Ugh, I knew I shouldn't have dropped Italian
For Interior Design

Oh sure, I can tell you what style of couch qualifies as Modern Rustic
But now I can't talk to my boyfriend!

Anyway, I just wanted to let you all know
That Solicito and I are currently open
For any social functions
Including after prom parties

Just please be sure you have bottled water for me
And penne for him

And please keep the photographing to a minimum

We feel very strongly about our privacy

You can read all about our other beliefs on our blog--

TheHottestCoupleinSchool.blogspot.com

Enjoy the rest of your lunch

C'mon, Solicito
We're going to go make out
In whatever hallway has the most students in it

Stop poking yourself in the eye!

I realize you're from a third world country
But fight to be as cool as you look

Ugh, love can be so difficult

What?

What do you mean you're not from Italy?

Isn't Palermo in--

Palermo, MONTANA?

Uh...

ATTENTION EVERYONE!

BREAKING NEWS!