Time

A thousand years from now
I will have celebrated my thousandth birthday
Except nobody lives that long
And even though I haven't been born yet
It's a comfort to know
That there is a point
I will never reach
Or maybe I will
But right now
A thousand years
Would be stretching it some

My parents are not together
And will not be together
Not now
And not for the duration
Of my life
And this will not impact me
In any way

They have given me
All they need to give me

Life and time

Here, in the place before Birth
Time is like a ball
You can bounce up and down

We're meant to play with it here
Because the Universe
Does not want us
To take it
So seriously

Only the most dangerous people
Take time seriously
Or the loneliest

I look forward to things
That people who are already alive
Fear even discussing

Aging
Growing
Dying

I look forward to them
Because they're natural

Because they're exactly what it means
To be alive

I look forward to being born
And feeling time
Be placed on my head
Like a crown

I imagine my mother and father looking at me
With this new gift
And saying--

Okay then

What are you going to do with it?

What are you going to do
With all this time?

Time to Become A Man

I know you think you can do this alone
And I'm not saying you can't
But you gotta at least give me a chance
To prove I can do this too
Because either way
I'm going to have a say in this
I'm going to be a part of this kid's life
And that's not a bad thing
I mean, it would be a bad thing now
But I still have time

We both do
To become these people
These people that we need to become
To make this work

Look, nobody's more nervous about me than I am
But you have to at least give me time
To rise to the occasion, you know?

My dad wasn't my dad
Two seconds after I was born
He, you know, he grew into it
I should be allowed that
I should be allowed the opportunity
To grow into it

And maybe it won't take that long
Who knows?

But I'm not any less a father right now
Than you are a mother

. . . . .

I'm sorry
That was a mean thing to say, but...

To say it's never going to happen
To say I'm never going to be the guy
I need to be is just...

You gotta give me time
You gotta give me time to do that

And the minute you see me stopping
The minute you see me
Not desperately trying
To move forward
To get to that place
I need to get to

Then yeah
Call it off
And send me packing
And I'll keep sending checks
And that'll be it

But first
You gotta give me time

All I'm asking for
Is time

Up Above Air

All you've gotta do
Is give yourself more time
One more breath
One more gut full of air
And you'll make it
Somebody'll see you
They won't just let you drown
They won't just let you drown like this
You just need more time

Isn't there a boy on the shore?
Didn't you see him?
You try calling out
But he's far away
And close by
All at the same time
And he's mumbling something to himself
And you can't hear him
Because the water's in your ears

Get help

You try thinking it
Thinking it so hard
He'll hear it somehow
But you go down
Down deep
Why are you so heavy?
And your lungs
They want to open up
They want to take it all in

No, no, no

You can beat this
You just need time
Where's that boy?
Where's anybody?

How long have you been under?

It can't be five minutes
Five minutes and you'd be dead
Why aren't you panicking anymore?
Because you're tired?
Who cares if you're tired?
Fight
Fight for more time

Where's the boy?
Where's the shore?
Where's the air
You just took in?

Why do you hear a clock?
Why are you convinced
That somewhere
You hear a clock?

Drowning in Time

No, you can't listen
To a damn thing
That kid says
Rocks back and forth in his room
Chewing on pencils
And he'd fucking eat 'em
If you gave him the chance

Muttering numbers
Muttering reasons
Why he's not crazy

I tell him
If you say you're not crazy
That means you're fucking crazy
And how come school didn't teach you that?

Fuck, everybody knows that
One, two, three, four

Never should have put that clock in his room
'Cause now he's fucked up
All locked up in time

Surefire way to drive someone crazy
Is to give them too much time
Or not enough
Or ask them to explain it

I tried handing him a beer
Saying, 'Here.  This'll take the edge off'
And he bit my hand
Little fucker

So if he wants to stay
Staring at a clock
Because his mama said she'd be back by five
Ten years ago
Then that's fine with me
I don't play into it
Because it's evil

Numbers and time
And rocking back and forth
And telling yourself
That you can control
When some bitch is coming back to you
Is just wrong

Take it like it comes, right?
Time comes on you
Like the tide

And my boy in there?

He's drowning

Drowning himself in time

Ten Moments in Time

The knife went in
Two seconds went by
Out, no blood
Funny how that happens
That would be moment one
And two
With the blood not coming out, I guess
And the shot
The shot didn't make a sound
Nothing did what it was supposed to
The car backfired
But that made a sound
But it wasn't the shot
It wasn't the sound of a shot at all
Check on the clipboard
Check the box
I'm all here
It says that
It says I'm all here
So don't say I don't know these things
No blood
No shot
Don't count me out like that
I have reasons
I have a grandfather
A clock that keeps time
And a man saying
The train's coming
The train's coming
It's coming
Don't you know that?

Three for the train
Four for the man
Five for the tick tock grandfather clock
Six for the girl in the room all alone
Seven for the pills, everyday kinda pills
Eight for the reasons
Nine for the rhymes

Tick tock
Tick tock

And the tenth one's for time

This Can Be Christmas

The thing is
We sort of missed Christmas
Because my brother was working at the restaurant
And a table came in
One of those tables
That just won't leave
And he had to stay
Even though it was Christmas
Because, you know, maybe they don't celebrate Christmas
And so who cares if they ruin--

Anyway, he wasn't there
And my mother wasn't feeling well
And I said, you know what?
We can do Christmas anytime

Christmas is just a day, you know?
It's just a day that you pick
To celebrate your family

So last week I said--

What the hell?
This can be Christmas

So we do Christmas a few months late
So what?

I'll tell you something:
Shopping was easier
Cooking was easier
It was hard to find Christmas wrapping paper
I'll give you that
So I'm using 'Congratulations on Your Divorce' wrapping paper

It was too good to pass up

And we're all going to get together
And spend time with one another
And I guess we could do this anyway
But lately if you can't call something a holiday
Good luck getting everybody in one place for it

People need something to call time
They can't just say
It's Saturday
Let's spend today with our families
They need a reason
So I'm calling it something

Today

I'm calling today Christmas

And it can be
This can be Christmas

I guess any day can be
I guess any day can be whatever you want it to be

But I'll admit
I'm glad I had a reason
To keep the lights up
A little bit longer

The Table That Won't Leave

They won't leave
They've been here for eight hours
They've been here for two different shifts
I've given them two different waiters
Both of whom are rude
And would scare off
Any reasonable person
And they just
Won't
Leave

Don't they have homes?
Don't they have living rooms
With nice couches
And televisions
And coffee pots?

Oh right, they're going to want more coffee
They keep drinking it and drinking it
And I never see them use the restroom

How do I know they're not peeing under the table?

I mean, this is a legitimate concern

What if they're planning
Some sort of terrorist act?

Should I call the F.B.I.?
Could they get them out of here?

Two people have joined the table
In the past hour

They just keep sucking people in

And the new people get coffee
And then they want salads
Coffee and salads
And you know
You KNOW
Nobody's getting a good tip out of this

Good tippers
Do not order
Coffee and salad

What if I set off an air horn?

I mean, that's not technically impolite
It's just setting off an air horn
I mean, this is America
If you can't make loud noises--
See the terrorists at that table
Don't want us having that kind of freedom!

Wait, wait
I think they're leaving

They're getting up
They're stretching
They're--

Sitting back down

They're looking at the desert menu

Do me a favor
Tell my wife I love her

Who knows when I'll see her again?

Time to Lose

I told them I'd lose it for the wedding
Me and my niece
We're going to lose the weight together
And here's how I see it:

If I lose four pounds a day
From now until the wedding
I'll fit into that dress like a glove
Nothing to worry about

Losing weight is a frame of mind
Just like time
It's relative

Ironically it's my relatives
I'm losing it for

Four pounds a day
Which is nothing

I bet I don't even eat four pounds a day
So who says I even have to give anything up?
Maybe I need to eat more
Maybe that's the problem

When I don't eat I feel stressed out
And when I'm stressed I put weight on
So maybe what I really need to do
Is start going to the bakery more

Logically, that all works in my head

People get so obsessed
With weight and time

I only have this long to lose it
I only have this long

Tell yourself you're going to lose it
When you need to lose it
And you will

It's like having money when you need it
Or waking up when you need to
It's all about mind over matter

Your body being the matter

I am in total control of my body
And even if I wasn't
That's why they make zippers
And tailors
And shawls
To cover whatever it is
You don't want seen

I've got plenty of time to lose the weight

But it's really not about time
It's about self-control

Now, if you'll excuse me
All this talking's got me all worked up

I might need a little
Stress relief

His Time Now

When my son studies
He goes into a kind of trance
Like he's in some sort of parallel universe
But I don't say anything
Because it works for him
He gets good grades

My mother used to say
Don't criticize the cow
As long as it gives you the milk
And that's what I believe too

That kid's had it rough
Let me tell you

I don't discuss my problems with strangers
But let's just say
He's not the best reader
And he's not good at math
And he sees things in a way
That other people don't
And I don't see anything wrong with that
But I admit that it doesn't make life easy for anybody

You know, for most of their lives
Your kids hand their achievements over to you
Because your their parent
And they don't know what to do with them
Accolades, awards

And then one day
They realize that they can hold their own medals
And trophies

And you realize
That you have to let them have their time

Because you had yours
And for a little bit
You had theirs
Whether you wanted it or not

That boy up there is having his time
And I'm happy for him

Don't get me wrong
I'm tempted to go up there
And tell him to take a break
To breathe
To shower
To be a kid
For five seconds more

But there's a bigger part of me saying--

He's doing something
He's got something going
Leave him alone

It's his time now

And my job now
Is to make sure
He knows it

A Bell Rings

I sit in class
In front of a test
A test that will determine my grade
A grade that will determine my transcript
A transcript that will determine what college I get into
A choice that will eventually affect
All aspects of my life
Or not
Depending on whether or not
The world ends
Or the economy collapses
Or I discover gold in my backyard

I think about this
And a bell rings

The test is over
I have failed

Or the teacher is sick
The test is postponed
I study like a madman
The teacher comes back
I ace the test
I ace the class
I get into a great school
And I'm set for life
And a bell rings

The teacher is there
But the test is easy
Or I've studied
Or it's both
Or it's neither
But I'm lucky
And I pass
But only by a little
And a bell rings

Time freezes
I'm in class
Pencils are poised
The moment is here
And I can stay here
I can remain in a moment of indecision

Or I can progress
I can let it ride
I can go for it
I can put down the pencil
Or eat it
Eat it whole

I have these options

But instead I move past it
The moment
I take the test

And then I wait

Have I finished early?
Is that good?
Is that bad?

Have I done something wrong?

Is time still frozen?

And I wait to hear it

That sound

The sound that says
Time's up

Detention

First of all, let me just say
That it was foolish
Putting a physics teacher
In charge of detention

Because if there's one thing I understand
It's time
And from what I can gather
The purpose of this detention
Is to purposefully waste the student's time
As a way of teaching them a lesson

Well, I believe that very few punishments
Actually fit that crime

I was sitting there
At this desk
Doing my detention rotation
When I looked out
And saw all these young faces
The youth actually falling off them
And realized that I was expected
To take this precious thing they've been given
This time
And purposefully destroy it

I couldn't do it
I just couldn't do it

Eradicate this precious commodity?

It was too cruel

Maybe if you'd asked me to paddle them
But waste time like that?

Because two girls fought
When one kissed the other's boyfriend?
Because three of them showed up late today
Because they were out at that awful diner downtown
Feeling like real adults?
Because one of them ate an entire pencil on a dare?

That last one does concern me
I'll give you that
We should monitor him more closely

The thing is
The only thing that's going to solve any of these problems
Is time

We have to let these kids out
So they can make more mistakes
Not cage them up
To keep them pristine
Like they're Gothic sculptures or something

So I let them all go

It was like releasing doves
They were so happy

Except pencil kid
He just kept chewing on his notebook

Again, we need to spend more time
With that one

Volume 17

I bought this for you
Volume 17
The time travel issue
Because I know we totally talked about it
And you didn't have the money
Probably because you spent it
On pancakes at that stupid diner
But I wanted you to have it
As sort of like a--

Like an 'I'm sorry' kinda thing

Because that girl is stupid
And I didn't want to kiss her
But she was kind of in front of my face
And the next thing I knew
Our faces were significantly closer
Like, close together
And we were kissing
And then I was like 'Oh no'
But it was--

It was stupid
I'm sorry

So I went to the comics place
And I bought you the last issue of Volume 17
Partly because I know it deals with time travel
And I wish I could time travel
Because I wish I could go back
And just--

But you know it's stupid
Because I'm seventeen, you know?

Like, we're seventeen
We're supposed to screw up

And like, should we really be regretting things now?
Not that I don't totally regret it, but...

Sometimes I feel like you expect me to be this superhero
Like in one of these books
And like, not mess up and stuff
And I'm going to, you know

And I definitely don't want that
To ruin everything
But it's going to be a long time
Before we're both perfect, you know?
I mean, if we ever get there at all

I bought you this to say I'm not a hero
But if I could could travel in time
I would go back to the first day I met you
Over and over again
So I could meet you a million times
Because that was the coolest moment
Of my life

And, you know, I'm sorry
And...

And maybe, with time
You'll believe me

Time Travel

The lady at the record store next store
Music store, whatever
We have to be all pc now
Because records are extinct?
Because they're not
Because they live in the soul
But that's another issue altogether
You're looking for Volume 17
That deals with time travel, right?
I had a feeling
I had a good feeling
And my good feelings are mostly accurate

See, the interesting thing about Volume 17
Is that it establishes the principle
That all heroes, given time
Will turn into villains
Whereas all villains, given time
Will turn into either heroes
Or even worser villains
Worser--that a word?
Anyway--usually they turn into heroes
Which is sort of a great thing
If you happen to start life
As a really great person
Because then it's like--

Okay, eventually
The pendulum will swing
And I'll be a hero one day

Because that's how time works
And not just time travel
Although time travel does exist
In a very real sense
Outside of Volume 17
And all other volumes

Because travel just means
To go somewhere
And in terms of time
We're all traveling
We're all moving forward or back
And when we want go somewhere
We just, you know
Go there
In our minds

What I find miraculous
Is that we hold people to time

You did such and such a thing
So many years ago
And I'm still holding you to it

How crazy is that?

Because time, by its nature
Changes you

It just does

So we're holding people accountable for crimes
That they themselves
Did not commit

We want time to be this solid thing
This rope
Ancestors and whatever

But the truth is--

And what Volume 17 says is--

It's not solid
It's not liquid
It's not even a gas

It may be plasma
But what it really is

Is constant

A constant thing around us

And so you move through it
And change
And die
And are reborn
As a mutant, maybe
But still

Do you see what I'm getting at here?

There's no staying where you are

There's only traveling

That's the only thing you can do
In terms of time

Just travel with it

Like the Earth's gravitational pull

You don't notice it
But it's there

Isn't that great?

By the way, we're out of Volume 17
Some kid just grabbed it

But I think I gave you the gist of it
And free of charge

If you ask me
I saved you the time it takes to read it
Plus digest it

Just don't try taking it in all at once, kid

It'll blow your mind

Music and Time

A girl just came in
And asked if we had whatever Cyndi Lauper album
Has 'Time After Time' on it

I gave her the greatest hits
But I remember the original album
Because that was my wedding song

Well, my second wedding
I think my first wedding song
Was 'Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds'
Which was lovely
Until I found out my husband was actually screwing a girl named Lucy
And the song was about LSD
Then the whole thing
Kinda fell apart
In terms of sentiment

But the second marriage
Well, that one took

I think the girl was surprised
To see a woman of a certain age
Running a music store

That's an honor usually reserved
For young stoners
Or aging vegans
Or a combination of both

I took over the store
After my husband died

I keep all his favorite records in the back

He wasn't a Cyndi Lauper fan
But I put my foot down
When it came to our wedding song
Because all wedding songs
Should have something about time in them
To remind you what it is you're doing

You are committing your time

Your love?  Yes
Your devotion?  Yes, well, in most cases (See First Husband)
Your genes should you have children--which we didn't?  Yes

But really
You're committing your time

We put a lot of years into this store
And it'll probably be closed in a year

Time passes
People pass too

But when I want to slow things down
I can always go in the back
And play those records he loved
And it's like he's still here

Music has a way of doing that

Put on a good record
And it's like no time's gone by at all
Since the first time you heard it

Play 'Time After Time'

So my sister's making the cake
Which is a mistake
She'll probably set her kitchen on fire
Meanwhile I'm in charge of the singing
Which is--

It's daunting

I have to find the song

My brother didn't want to be bothered with finding a song
And his wife's favorite song is 'The Bad Touch' by the Bloodhound Gang
Which, don't get me wrong, makes me like her even more
But it's not exactly something you can play
In front of our Nana

So he asked me to pick the song
The one they'll dance to
And I know it's kind of overdone
But I ended up with--Drumroll please

'Time After Time'

Wait, hear me out

It kind of basically sums up marriage perfectly
And yet it's so vague
That it could apply to a lot of things

All great songs are are always
At least slightly
Vague

And sung by someone
With a flawed
Squeaky voice
That sounds like a Chipette

I wanted to pick a song for them
But I also wanted to pick something
That would sort of say--

I'm your sister
And I'm happy you're happy
And if this doesn't work out
And if I lose my job
We can always move back in with Mom
So that's a really good reason
To make sure we try really hard
At both these things

And 'Time After Time' just sort of said that

If you're lost you can look
And if you will find me

Time After Time

It's kind of exactly what you want every spouse
And friend
And sibling
To say to you

To let you know
They'll be there

Time After Time

Baking Time

Don't take what's in the oven
Out of the oven

It's supposed to be a cake
But that's only if we leave it in there
For the right amount of time
Otherwise it could turn into anything

Remember when I tried to make muffins
And I wound up with tarts?

That's what happens
If you rush baking

No, the recipe has nothing to do with it
Recipes have nothing to do with baking
Or cooking, or anything
Recipes are for people who don't know what they're doing
I know what I'm doing
Which means when I follow a recipe
I end up over-thinking things
And everything turns out awful

I need to learn to trust my instincts

I know how long to leave that cake in for
I am not a moron
I can bake
It's just a cake
Do you smell smoke?

No, no, never mind
It's not smoke
I'm psyching myself out

As soon as I open that oven door
I will see a beautiful, perfectly baked cake
That will immediately collapse
Because I didn't trust myself
And that is the punishment you receive
When you open the oven door too soon

And that's not just baking advice
That's advice for life

The time is right
Whenever you say it's right
Any sooner or later than that
And whatever you're trying to do
Will turn into a colossal failure

So we're just going to trust
That the cake is fine

You know what?

I think I may even let it sit
Ten minutes longer
Than I originally thought

That's how confident I am
In my--The kitchen's on fire, isn't it?

Okay, so we've learned that instincts
And time
Are both very tricky

Pioneer Time

Excuse me, but I'm trying to reach someone--
A person--
A person with actual power--
Who might be able to help me
With my electricity

Well, it's off
And it's been off
For days
And I'm just wondering
When that, you know, won't be the case anymore?

Well, maybe some people enjoy
Living like a pioneer
But I'm not one of them
I don't enjoy being without a television
And a computer
And nothing to entertain me
But a cupboard full of junk food
When I'm supposed to be on a diet
I mean, is this some sort of cosmic plan
To make sure I gain weight
Before my friend's wedding?

I feel like a fat Amish person
And the last time I checked
We don't live in Pennsylvania
Or any other third world country
So why don't I have electricity?
WHY don't I have electricity?

I am looking across the street
And my neighbors

--Who, by the way, I sincerely doubt
Pay their bills
Because they have hippie bumper stickers
On that Prius they drive--

HAVE electricity

I mean, is there no justice left in this world?

All I want to do
Is watch the documentary I DVR-ed
On the koalas
And sit with my heating pad
And blend something

I WANT MY BLENDER!

Three days

I have spent three days
Without electricity
And that is a ridiculous amount of time
To spend
Reading by candlelight
Like some kind of perverse shut-in

So can you please--

Yes, I'll hold
But please be...

Well, I'm sure this won't take long

For All Time

I'm writing this speech
Well, we don't call them speeches, but--

They're for this couple
Whose wedding I'm officiating
And I wanted to talk about time
You know, the idea of time
How we pass through time
Sail through time
Carefully tread through time while...

I'm trying not to scare the kids
I mean, it is their wedding

The trouble is
I've been...questioning
The idea of marriage
Or, at least, marriage as it pertains to time

It doesn't trouble me all that much
Because obviously I won't be dealing with marriage
On a personal level
Anytime soon
But I do counsel married couples

And I'm starting to think to myself
How do I counsel these people
To suffer the, what do they call it?

The slings and arrows of time
When those slings and arrows
Have changed significantly
Since the inception of marriage
Of the idea of marriage

It used to be you got married
Ten years went by
And you died
But now
You could be talking about decades

Imagine any person in your life right now
Now imagine them decades later

Can you?

I can't

It horrifies me to try

Or, alternatively
You could be with someone for a few days
And they could get hit by a bus

It's so difficult
To encourage any couple
To enter into any union
With so many variables

I mean--for all time?

Do we really know what that means?

Well...

I guess that's why they call it faith

And Something Happened Over Time

He's getting married
I watch 'My Best Friend's Wedding'
I try not to identify with Julia Roberts
I desperately try
Not to identify
With Julia Roberts
And yet I do
And yet, I have no urge
To ruin a wedding
Even with an attractive gay friend
At my side

I had lots and lots of time
To see my best friend
As something other than what he is
And no, I'm not going to say
That now I'm suddenly wildly attractive to him
I just...

I just haven't stopped seeing him as a brother
As like, a little brother
And...

And it's weird

To see him do something so--

Grown-up

You know, we met on a playground
And I know I've changed
But I still sort of see him
As that kid on the playground

I mean, he's going to have kids now, right?
That's what married people do?
Have kids?
Buy houses?
Eat Chinese food only on special occasion?

One day my best friend was this guy
Who helped me clean up
After I threw a house party
And my parents decided to come home early

This guy with a giant trash bag
Furiously throwing everything he could into it
Including that nice vase
That I'm pretty sure we kept my grandma's ashes in

All the while being totally wasted
And making me laugh
In that adorable irresponsible
Cute teenage way

When did that guy
Turn into this guy?

When did I get old enough
To have a married friend?

Has time gone by that fast?

Should I have been paying more attention?

Maybe I missed something
Maybe I missed a lot of things

Or maybe I just liked
Hanging out on that playground
For as long as I could

Time for Women

Listen to me now
This is no time for women

This is a time for you
To forget about women
Good women, anyway
A bad woman right about now
Would be fine

You are getting married
You are going to spend the rest of your life
Surrounded by women

Knee-deep in women
I have a wife
And four daughters
And a mother-in-law who lives with me
All I have lately
Is women time
And I was promised
When you got married
That I would have a weekend
Free of women

Now, you promised me that

The only good thing
About having a guy friend get married
Is the bachelor party

You think men like weddings?

The only thing a man hates more than someone else's wedding
Is his own

Oh, I love my wife
But I didn't love that wedding

There were ribbons everywhere
And exotic birds
And we had some sort of crystal theme
That maxed out two credit cards
And to this day
I still can't explain it to you

Now you may not be able to avoid all that
But you can avoid having your bachelor party be ruined
By bringing along that friend of yours

Don't tell me she's a tomboy
Tomboy is just a word
Women came up with
So they could deceptively weasel their way
Into all our clubhouses

They put some dirt on their face
And throw a baseball cap on
And all of a sudden
We're supposed to think
They're the same as men

Well, nobody's getting in this clubhouse tonight

We are having men time

We are going to drink
And eat things with salt
And crush things with our bare hands
And use obscenities around old people

This is no time for women
So that best friend of yours
Can stay home
And don't bother showing me a picture of her because--

...Is she single?

Well, I mean, you know...

The more the merrier

Dorian Gray

Everybody knows the story
Of Dorian Gray

The portrait ages
He doesn't
Something like that

It's all about cheating death
And time
And the inevitable downward slope
Of attraction

Going from gorgeous
To grotesque
And morality is factored in there too
But we won't get into that
Because it's a little complicated

A guy asked me today
How long it takes
To become an expert in something
And I told him
But it was really a guess

He said he was planning a proposal
And he had this whole metaphor worked out
And I'll admit
I thought it was pretty good

A little Hallmark-y
But good

This was in a bookstore
We struck up on a conversation
While this reading was going on

He was cute
This guy
He said 'girlfriend'
And I went
'Ugh'
Because I was mildly certain
He was at least
Well, curious

No dice

Anyway

We got to talking
And he could see I was reading Dorian Gray
And we started chatting about it
And I told him how I envied him
I mean, not morally, of course
But the whole frozen in time thing
It...it's appealing to me

My father's going bald
My mother's metabolism has completely halted
My skin is already starting to turn this wonderful shade of oyster gray
And I just wish I could stop it all

Because I'm not a nice person
I'm cute, but I'm not--

You know, youth is one of my only virtues
If that even is a virtue

And I said all this to the not-gay boy
And he...

He smiled at me
In a very nice way
A very kind way
And he told me
That there's still time
To become a good person

And I guess he's right

But a portrait in the attic
Still wouldn't hurt, you know?

Just in case

The Expert

They say it takes ten thousand hours
To become an expert at...something

Ten thousand hours
Which, if days had twenty hours
And let's say they do
Because it makes the math easier
Would equal five hundred days

So under two years
If you spent twenty hours a day
Doing nothing but absorbing yourself
In whatever it is
You want to become an expert in

Not bad

Let's say five years
Let's say you don't give your entire life to
Whatever it is
And instead
You just sort of...
I don't want to say dabble
But you know what I mean

Let's say you do something above dabbling

That's not so bad

Think--you could be an expert on any subject
In five years or less or a little more
Any subject
Isn't that fascinating?

Well, consider this--

I've spent double that amount of time
Focusing on you

I have given myself over
To total absorption
And--Wow, that's awful wording

But the thing is
I'm an expert on you

And, I gotta tell you
It's way better
Than being an expert
On, like, the Civil War
Or chess
Or stamps

I like that I can say--

'This is her favorite pair of shoes'

Or--

'This is her favorite movie to watch on a Sunday afternoon
While I vacuum around her
Because I'm the fussy one
In the relationship'

I like that I'm well over ten thousand hours
And even though I would wager that I am an expert

I am still nowhere near
Where I would like to be
When it comes to you

I want to be
Whatever's beyond expertise

Can we make that happen?

How long do you think that would take?

Free Time

So I have all this free time
Because last month my Dad invented this thing
That makes popcorn
Out of, like, this little box
That'll sing to you or something
Like 'Let's all go to the movies'
Or some shit like that
And this week he sold it
And made like a million dollars
And they're going to sell it on tv
At like 3am
When douchebags are most likely
To like, buy shit like that

And so anyway
He calls
And he's like--

'We're rich!'

And also like--

'Don't work anymore'

So I'm like 'Okay'
And so I went to the gym
Because now I have, like
A million hours during the day to kill
So I figured I'd get in shape
But the gym was full of, like
People sweating
And I found it to be
Really unappealing

Then I thought maybe I'd get a puppy
Or, like, something to nurture

Because that takes awhile

Then I thought I'd read
But like
Where do you get books now?

I mean, they put them on computers now, right?
But who wants to take a computer
To a coffee shop
You know what I mean?

The whole thing is really tiresome
I just feel tired all the time
Thinking about all the time I have

So I take catnaps
Because, you know
That kills a few hours
But eventually you have to wake up
And do stuff

So now I'm rich
And free
And now what, you know?

I think time is like--
It's like it's good when you use it
But you don't

It, like, corrodes
From the inside

You have to get rid of it
Or it just poisons you

But what do I do with it, you know?

I know I'm supposed to have like
An awesome answer for that
But this is all sort of new for me, so--

If anybody has any ideas...

By the way, don't buy that popcorn music box
It's, like, really dumb

I mean, the popcorn's tasty
But--other than that

Total waste of money

Gym Time

I mean, an hour everyday's
Not gonna kill you, you know?

The thing to remember
Is that fourteen hours a week
Is NOT
Going to kill you

Well, yeah, an hour a day won't kill you
So you do two hours
One in the morning
One at night

Now, that won't kill you either
But it'll come closer

That's what you want

You want to get as close to death
As humanly possible
And then pull back
And THAT is when you achieve
Optimum personal health

You know, people make these cracks
All these jokes
About like--

Ohhhh why put years on your life
If you're just going to spend them in the gym?

Well, you know what I say?

I say nothing
Because I don't talk to fools
But if I did talk to fools
I would say--

A--you're a fool
B--why sleep?
Why waste time sleeping?
But you do
You sleep years of your life away
But you still have to do it right?

So I spend years of my life
Making sure when I'm not sleeping
I look good

I'm in shape
I'm healthy
I can eat an aluminum can
And my body can process it
Without so much
As a stomachache

That's the machine
You're dealing with here

And you can have that too

It'll take you about six years
And some determination
About a few thousand dollars
In vitamin supplements
But if you commit to all that
Then one day looking at me
Will almost be like looking
In a fogged-up mirror

Or just a picture of me

So let's keep at this, all right?

Because it's this or sleep
And sleeping is for the fools

Nobody ever put years on their life
By going to sleep

Early's a Good Thing

Hi!  Oh my God
I'm here early
I know, I know
A little early
Or, like, three hours early, which is--
I know, haha
This guy on my train
Was just hitting on this girl
Also on my train
And I was going to--ugh, barf

And so I just got off the train
And then I got nervous
Because even though it's just one stop early
I was like, what if I don't make it?
So, instead of doing the errands
I was going to do
Get my haircut
Pick up toothpaste
Refill my prescription

Just stuff that can wait, you know?

So I came right here
And then, as I'm coming here
I'm like a block away
And I realize
Oh my God
I'm three hours early

So I was like
Should I get a sandwich
Should I get a pizza
Should I go for a run
Oh my God
What if I sweat
I have to find a shower
I have to redo my make-up
I'm going to be a mess
Why did I take that train?
Why didn't I take a later train?
But, you know, trains break down
They delay, there are delays
Power lines fall onto them
It's just too much risk

It's too much

I'm sorry, but it's too much
And then I thought--

Well, why not just go?
I mean, why not be early, right?

Early's a good thing

So I get here early
And I realize
I left my resume at home

Oh, and my rec letters
Which I know you need
And also, I forgot to put on lipstick

And also, eye-liner
And my hair's--

You know what?
Why don't we reschedule?
How about I come back in a week?
Sound good?

Yeah, I think that sounds like a plan

Brand New Time

Well, I'm settled in
That's the nice part
I'm settled
I'm relaxed
The apartment is gorgeous
And the other day
A light went out
And my neighbor came over
And saw that I needed it changed
And she called down to the main desk
And they sent someone up
To change it for me
I mean, it was just--

I mean, I'm not an invalid
I can change my own light bulbs
But it's certainly nice
To be able to have something like that done for you
If it's just something
People are willing to do

It's like I have all this
Brand new time
That I don't know what to do with

I mean, I read
I garden
Well, I think about gardening
The idea of gardening
Appeals to me
But I actually think about
Going out to the little patch of grass
Where you're allowed to garden
It just seems sort of...

...Dirty

You know, I made this move
This big move
And my granddaughter was helping me
And at one point I looked at her
After we had cleaned out the old house
And I just thought--

It's like it never happened
It's like my whole life never happened

The life at that old house
The memories and the...

Because I never liked photos
Never took many
Never liked the way my hair looked
In any of them

So I just gave up
I used to say--

I'll keep it all in my mind

Who knew my mind
Would fail so grandly
As a storage facility?

My granddaughter sat next to me
On the hideous couch
That came with the apartment

And we had some coffee
And talked
And...

I guess if I had a choice
Between getting back the time I had
Or being given brand new time?

I'll look ahead

I'll just keep looking
Ahead

Boyfriend Time

You know, I have to tell you
This whole situation is working out
Really well

I admit it's a little unconventional
But if you've ever had him as boyfriend
You'd understand

He needs, like, constant
Uninterrupted attention
And, you know, I love him
But who has the time for that?

I mean, with my job
And my grandmother
Moving out of the house
She's lived in for decades
And getting used to that
I just don't have time
To be his, you know
Around-the-clock girlfriend
I just don't

So, when I found out she was interested...

I mean, it's not like some weird polygamy thing

She just spends half the week with him
And I spend the other half the week with him
Or, you know, seventy-thirty
Depending on whether or not I have a big test or something

It's been working out
Incredibly well

I barely even see her
So there's no jealously factor

It's not like he's some sort of sex maniac anyway
He and I barely--

But I mean, that's personal

Hahaha

Anyway, she can sleep with him twice a month
And she seems fine with that

And, oh my God, all this extra time
Is just wonderful

If I didn't already have a boyfriend
I'd think about getting another one
Just to do all this extra stuff with!

You know, we do it with jobs

We juggle two or three
And nobody judges us for it

In a lot of ways
A boyfriend is just a job
It's just a job you don't get paid for
Because then you'd be a prostitute
And--anyway, it's working great

Although she and I talked
And apparently
His mom and dad might be getting a divorce
And so we're both thinking
Maybe we need to take on another girlfriend

I mean, why kill ourselves, right?

My grandma always says
A good boss knows how to delegate

It must be true
Of girlfriends too

Who Learns Time Anymore?

I get frustrated because
She gets on my case
About whether or not
I'm there on time
And I'm just like--

You know who gets anywhere on time?
Poor people show up on time

Everyone else gets there
When they damn well please
And that's a fact

Who learns time anymore?
Who needs to?

We live in a free-flowing society
Where people are meant to exist
In a state of constant flux
That is, again, if you're doing well for yourself

My sister's having some trouble in her marriage
And so she's clinging to the things she knows
The basic principles
That she believes makes someone
A good person

Being on time
Recycling
Shopping at Whole Foods

I don't have time for any of that!

That's the ironic thing

All the criticizing she's doing
About me
About how I spend my time
About how I should spend it better
On better things--

Do you have any idea
How much extra time she spends
Desperately trying to save time
Because she thinks
When you save time
Someone puts it in a box somewhere
And when you fill up the box
It means you're some kind of saint?

I don't understand it

I don't understand the correlation she has
Between time and morality
And family
And the fact that when we were kids we were close
Because I used to dye her hair black
And by the way
The fact that she forgives me for that
Is probably the nicest thing about her

With her, it's all about this rigid
Do this
Do that

WHY-AREN'T-YOU-HERE-YET?

It's exhausting
It's totally exhausting

Who has time for it, you know?

I mean, pardon the pun
But seriously

Who has the time?

The Ride Back

She was like, you have to come back
And I'm like--I'm in New York
You know?
Like, I'm in New York
I can't just drop everything
And come back
And I was just there for Christmas
I mean, yeah, it was a few months ago now
But I was going to come back for break too
And she's like--I'm off, I'm just off

Meaning, like, she's off
Because she has seasonal whatever
Seasons fuck her up
But like, it's not even really winter
I mean, look at it out
It's gorgeous
How can she be depressed?
But she is
So I have to hurry back
From my life
From the shit I've got going on
Because she's falling apart

And you know, I said I wasn't going to be that guy
Who broke up with his girlfriend
Because he went to college
But we were supposed to have our own lives
We were supposed to do our own thing
And then, you know, stay in touch
And stay connected
But she's like a fucking remora on me
Just, like, sucking my blood or whatever
Living off me
And, like, what about my time, you know?
Isn't this supposed to be my time too?

Because this is the thing about her
She can suck up all my time
And it's no big thing
It's no big thing
Because she takes that time
And turns it into time for her

Into, you know, all the time she wants
While meanwhile I'm panicking
Fucking panicking
About her
About if I'm going to get there in time

Because one time
One time--I blew her off
And she fucking...

Sliced herself up like a fucking cliched whatever, you know?

So now I have to go home
I have to go home
Because if I don't then--

And I can't even enjoy the ride back
You know?

I just keep checking my phone

For messages
For texts
For the time

See how long before I get there
Wondering if she's going to be fine
Or be a mess

And wondering which would be worse

That's terrible to say, I know, but...

I'm sick of having this be everything
I'm sick of having this take up
All my time

The Song's Too Long

The problem is
The song's too long
You know, you have to--
I mean, you really have to earn the right
To have a song that long

I mean, symphonies and shit are one thing
But this is--what?
I mean this is supposed to just be a song, right?
Like a song-song
Not a symphony

If you're going to have a song over three minutes
Then everything in the first three minutes needs to be brilliant
And everything after the first three minutes
Needs to be beyond brilliant
Because after three minutes
Anyone listening
Is checking out

With every art form
You have a certain amount of basic time
With which to, you know
Achieve something

So, like with visual arts
For the average person
You have about three seconds
Unless your piece has, like, shit coming out of it
Or it's about defiling Jesus
Or, you know, both

With movies you get about an hour and a half
With tv, you get twenty-five minutes
With books, ten pages
With music, three minutes--if that

That's not including pop music
Which is--I would say, maybe
Maybe--thirty seconds

So you gotta grab me, you know?

I mean, here I am
I'm waiting for a train
Maybe I'm here for five minutes
Ten if I'm some asshole who gets here early
And you're strumming along on your guitar

And you have the potential
To have me hear
Three to five songs
And yeah, they're short
They'd have to be short
But you'd still have five chances
To give me something

And instead
You keep going on the same song
Over and over

I feel like I'm in some sort of folk club
Listening to James Whoever-the-Fuck
Wane rhapsodic about North Dakota
Or whatever

You can't throw away
Your time like that, man

I mean, I'm just a barista
At the Starbucks in the station
But still, I know music

You should listen to me, man
I know what I'm talking about

What's the Rush?

You're pretty, you know that?
You got a boyfriend?
You got a good boyfriend?
You're a pretty girl
Damn damn damn

I never get to sit next to the pretty girls on the train
They always put me next to the homeless guys
Who smell like piss
And ride the train
When it's raining

Scrounge up just enough money for a ticket
And then ask me for money for food

Like I don't have it fucking tough, you know?

You got gorgeous hair
My wife had hair like yours
Back when she was a teenager
Black, black, black
But she says it looked bad
I think it looked good
But what the fuck does she care what I think?

See that guy with his kid
Pointing to his watch
Teaching the kid time
That was me with my kids
That's how good a dad I was
Until they grew up

My son's a fucking space case
Don't know what to fucking do with him
And my daughter's hanging out with the wrong crowd
This crowd of girls who go out into the city
To these diners all night
Thinking they're so fucking cool
She's probably going to get murdered one of these days
And then I'll have to come up with the money for a funeral

You know I didn't want to get married when I did

I mean, I would have wanted to eventually, obviously
But not when I did

I had a lot of shit left
I wanted to do
You know?

But everybody kept saying 'It's been this long'
It's been that long
It's been too long
Get married

I should have told them
To all go fuck themselves
But you know
People rush you
And everybody's rushing
And pretty soon rushing feels normal, you know?

It feels like you should be moving faster
Like you're going to run out of time if you don't

I just wish one person had said to me--
'What's the rush?' --you know?

I wish one person had told me
To slow down
That I still had time

That I didn't have to jump into anything

I wish somebody had put their hand on my shoulder
And stopped me
Stopped me right in my tracks

Why did everybody think I was going to run out of time?

Guys like me
All we have is time

Fuck

...What stop's yours, huh?

You park at the station?

I should get off with you
Walk you to your car

Nah, I'm in no rush to get home

What's home, you know?

What's so special there
That I gotta make sure
I get there in a hurry?

A Broken Watch

A man is teaching his child
How to tell time
And I find this to be
Very, very sweet

He's teaching the child
On the train
While the child's mother
Sits across the aisle
Taking a nap
Probably had a long day at work

You can always tell how hard a worker someone is
By the way they sleep

My father used to sleep
Like it was an art form
Like he was posing for a portrait
'The Sleeping Man'

My father used to carry
A broken watch around with him

Like the Mad Hatter in 'Alice in Wonderland'

He would say--'This watch is always correct two times a day'

Then he would laugh

My father was never late for anything
Not a day of his life

It's our fathers who teach us about time
I'm not sure why that is

Father Time--maybe that has something to do with it
Maybe that responsibility was placed in their hands

I always judge the type person somebody is
But how they handle time
And if they handle it poorly
I feel very badly for them
And I think--

They didn't have a father like mine
Or like that father on the train
Whispering conspiratorially
With his child

My father used to ride the trains with me
And then one day...

His watch started working
After he was gone

Isn't that a funny thing?

We found out that he lost his job
For nothing
For no reason
He was always on time

And they took the job anyway

He said to them--'But I'm always here.  I'm always early--if anything'

But they didn't care

People stopped valuing time
The way that they used to

And my father knew what that meant
A man with no job

A man whose only skill
Was being on time

And he jumped in front of the train
That was supposed to take him home

They gave us the watch back
And it worked

It beat like a newborn's heart
Strong and consistent

I gave it away

What would I do with a watch like that?
A watch that keeps perfect time?

Time isn't worth anything anymore, you know

It's all for show

So a broken watch and a watch that works
They're both the same now

So I'd prefer to have neither
To have nothing
To let my wrists stay empty

That's something I do for my father
As a sort of remembrance of him

I don't honor time

Why should I?

Nobody else does

The Honesty Hour

There's this game now
Called honesty hour

You get somebody
And you go in a room
And you close the door
And you start the clock

One hour
Total honesty

So okay, the door's closed
The clock is ticking

Let's do it
Okay?

After the hour's done
We can pretend that everything we said in here
Was just made up or whatever
But while we're in here
Only honesty
Okay?

Okay

I get a question
Then you get a question
Or, I mean
You can ask as much as you want
I guess
But let's make sure
We both find out
You know, whatever it is we want to...

I'm afraid
I'm afraid constantly
I think about dying constantly
I think about kids coming into my school
With guns
And killing me
Because I'm there
Because I just happen to be there

I'm afraid that it'll be so tough to get into college
By the time I'm applying for college
That I'll have to go to a really lousy college
Or no college at all
And everybody will be disappointed in me

I'm afraid I haven't gotten a childhood
Because we all have to work so hard
Because kids in China don't care if they get a childhood
So they don't sleep or eat
They just study
And now we have to be like them
And that's really messed up

I'm afraid of lab rats getting loose
And biting me
And giving me ebola

I think I'm ugly
I think my right hand is bigger than my left hand
And I don't know if there's a way to fix that
Even with surgery

I think I talk too much
I think when I'm quiet I'm boring
I think in ten years we're all going to be underwater
And I almost want to become a Republican
So I can believe things
I know aren't true

I think my voice is too high
I think my hair is just...stupid
It's just stupid hair
And my mom and my sister have great hair
Except my sister wants to dye her hair black
Because she's a moron
And why can't I have blonde hair like her and my mom
Instead of black hair like my dad?

And why doesn't my dad talk to me
And I mean, is that normal?
And am I too close to my mom?
And do I look the age that I am?

And what if I die young
Of some undiagnosed something?
And is it stupid to worry about this
But I mean, how can you not worry about all this
And why do you have to play a stupid game
To be honest with your best friend
Who you secretly are so jealous of
That sometimes
It's hard
Just to look at him

...And I just realized that you haven't asked me anything yet

Okay, well...

Well maybe we should stop
Or...

Or give ourselves another hour

I...

I think we might need more time
Or at least
I'd like more time

I'd like a lot more time actually

Is that okay?

Hair Time

The teens were about being a brunette
I had my hair dark
And short
Because, you know
I believed that back then
Your hair had to mirror your soul
And my soul was black
Because I was living the tortured life
Of a Cranston firefighter's daughter

So the hair went black
My mother disowned me
And I dated a guy
Who worked downtown

To this day, I have no idea what he did
I just know he worked 'downtown'
And that was, I mean, that was 'downtown,' you know?

It's funny how big
The little world felt
Back then

When I got to college
I got the Cynthia Nixon cut
Red and short
Even shorter than the Goth girl high school cut
And regardless of how you think it looks on Cynthia Nixon
On me, it looked--

Well, it looked like I was competing
To be on the cover of Mad magazine

When I got out of college
I started working
Working--non-stop
And I decided
You know what?

I'm blonde
I might as well be blonde
Embrace blonde

And that's when I met my husband
And a few days after we met
I destroyed every pre-college photo I could find
But unfortunately, getting rid of a photo
Is like trying to hold a plastic ball underwater

They just keep popping back up

You know, I look at those photos and...

It's strange to have your hair
Be a marker for time

I look and I see this girl
Who was trying to race ahead to something
Trying to...

I spent most of my life trying to look older
And now that I'm older
All I want to do is look younger

Wouldn't you know
One is much easier than the other?

You can jump ahead in time if you want
Just close your eyes
Or cut your hair

But going back
Waiting for the hair to grow back
That's...

Well, that's a little bit
Trickier

But in the meantime
You have the pictures

You can look and say--

Well, that was a bad idea
Or--I didn't look so bad
Or--wow, who's that?

I just forbid my daughter
From dying her hair black
I know I should let her make her own mistakes
But there's a part of me that thinks--

In time
She'll thank me for this

If We Can Get to Summer

If we can get to summer
I'll throw a big party for us

We'll have stuck it out
We'll have gone over the hurtle
The hurtles, plural
The many hurtles

And there will be a lake
Or a beach
Water

And it'll be our reward
Summer

Right now, we're in a rough time
And that's because so much around us
Is rough

Cold weather
Darkness
That claustrophobic feeling
When all you can do is stay in
And pile up your problems on the floor
Wondering when you can get rid of them

This is a tough season
But it's already getting warmer out

Because of, you know
Global warming and whatnot

And pretty soon
We'll be able to go out
And get away from the problem piles in the apartment

We can see friends again
We can be social
We can recommit ourselves
To the world at large

We don't have to spend all our time
Watching tv together
Telling ourselves that's what love is

Love isn't someone to watch tv with

...or maybe it is

The thing is, once I get straightened out
I'll be able to do more, you know?

It's just that right now
I'm tired
I'm tired all the time
And I'm sorry for saying it's you
It's not you
You don't tire me out
It's just you start getting on my case
And it's dark out
And I'm cold
Because I forgot to pay the heating bill
And that's my fault
And I know that
But sometimes I wish you would just shut the up and...

Anyway, we're better in summer, right?

Don't we do better in summer?

So if we can just get to summer
Then it'll be cool

It'll be cool and windy

Maybe I'll toss the television
Out onto the street
And let somebody else pick it up

We're addicted to it, you know?
I've been thinking about it
And it's true

We're addicted to that thing

To sitting around
And doing nothing
Except trying to keep warm

We're hooked

And we should only be hooked on each other
The only addiction we have should be us

And that's how it's going to be
Just as soon as things
Get a little bit

Warmer

Tax Time

Every year we go through this
And every year I tell myself
That I will quit
I will quit my job
And move to Maui
And play a guitar on a beach
While beautiful woman
Ask me if I'd like a pink drink
With a little volcano in it
Made from a pomegranate rind

And INSTEAD
I find myself here
With you
Explaining what is
And what is not
A deduction

I guess this is where I give a cute little list
Of what is and what is not a deduction
But in the interest of saving time
Let me just say this:

Nothing you have done
Or purchased
This year
Is a deduction

That may be going out on a limb
But knowing you
It's a pretty sturdy tree

And why do you have to wait
Until the last possible day to do this to me?

Do you have any idea how pleased I feel
When I finally see
That my e-mails are all answered
And my in-box is clear?

I think, Ah yes, I've weathered another tax season
I can now see my wife and children again
And my daughter can show me
All her new tattoos

My family waits until tax time
And then they do all the things
They want to do during the year
That would normally give me a coronary

After tax season I'm usually too tired
To have a heart attack
So this is actually brilliant planning
On their part

But just as I'm getting to that point
That point of--Check, check, check
I'm done, mission accomplished

In you walk with a shoebox full of receipts
And that guilty little smile
I'm sure you think is just adorable
And you lay everything in front of me
Like somebody bringing King Solomon a baby
And you expect me to cut it in half

Well, cut your own damn baby

I have no interest
In continuing to torment myself
Just because it happens to be
My chosen career

I have earned that trip to Maui
I have earned time with my guitar
I have earned women who speak colonized English
And pomegranate volcanoes

I have earned it!

So good luck with your taxes
I would suggest finding someone else to do them
Someone young
With patience
And a soul

I've got neither anymore
Not when it comes to people like you

Whatever you do
Don't send the government
What you have now

You'll be audited
If not outright shot
By a firing squad

Best of luck
And please, leave me your mailing address

This time next year
You can expect a lovely postcard
With me on the front of it

While He Watches Me

The plan is for him to rob me tomorrow
He's been watching me
Checking my mail
Blocking out my time

He doesn't know I'm skipping the wedding

I'll say I had a cold
Or something
And then I'll wait for him

He thinks I go to work everyday
That I leave my house at eight
And return to six
So I must work an hour away
Or hit traffic
Or something

He's been casing me

Keeping an eye on me

It...

Makes me...

Ha

It's difficult to describe

I know it's just his work
He's a criminal
Probably a good one
And he's precise
So he has to have a good grasp
On time
And timing

He doesn't know that I don't work
That I don't need to work

I won the lottery two years ago
Split the winnings
With some guy from Pawtucket

So when I leave the house at eight
All I'm doing is driving around the block
And parking in the restaurant's lot across the street

Backing into the spot
Behind the dumpster
But pulled just far enough ahead
So I can see his car

So I can see him sitting there
Waiting to see if I come home early for any reason

In a strange way
It feels like he cares about me

Like he's interested
Which, to some degree
He is

Even though it's for selfish reasons

Tomorrow he'll make his move
While he thinks I'm gone for the day

Then when he breaks in...

When he enters...

I'll be waiting for him

I look forward to it

Getting up
And sitting there
And waiting

Just waiting

I hope he takes his time

I hope he doesn't do it right away

I hope he makes me wait
For hours

Letting the time pile up on me
Like stones

It'll make it that much better
When he finally sees me

When he realizes
That while he's been watching me
I've been waiting
For him

Predictable Time

She leaves the house at eight
She's back by six
Must be an hour commute to work
Unless it's just traffic
But it's pretty steady
Leaves at eight
Comes back at six
Usually stays home all night
Doesn't go out much
Which is not ideal

No alarm
No dog
No intricate lock system
Just a standard deadbolt
Although she has homeowner's insurance
I checked her mail

Makes me feel better
When they have insurance

Then I know I'm just annoying them
Rather than all-out robbing them

She'll replace everything
It's not like I'll be robbing
Priceless family heirlooms

She's got two tvs
A laptop
A desktop
And a necklace she bought for herself

Nothing sentimental

I don't want to do this during the week though
Because her neighbor stays home during the week
So I'd rather wait until Saturday
Which means I have to keep an eye on her

She has a wedding tomorrow
So she'll be gone most of the day

Sucks because my roommate's working tomorrow

I was going to have the apartment to myself
As long as her stupid friend
Didn't spend the night
Drunk on the couch again

Oh well, that's work for you

My roommate thinks I'm a security guard

She's never home
That's why I like her

She'd be hard to track
Not like this girl

Soon as she leaves tomorrow
I'll take the apartment
Be in and out
No big deal

It's her only bit of unpredictable time

And that makes me want to take it

The best time to do this kind of thing
Is during unpredictable time

I believe, and this sounds weird, but--

I believe people can almost sense it
When you plan something like this
While they're at work
Or the market
Or while they're doing something routine

You gotta do it
When their mind's somewhere else

You gotta do it
When their time is fully occupied

Otherwise they figure something out
Inside their own heads

They leave work
They come home early
They skip an errand

And then you have a real problem on your hands

Then things
Aren't so simple

Plenty of Time

You know, I feel bad
Because I wanted to invite this woman I work with
I really did
But she's so neurotic
With all these lists
She makes all these lists
And they're all over her station
At the office
The lists and these photos of her brother
Who got put in jail for god knows what
But I still wanted to ask her, because, you know
We've worked together for years now
And she always asks about you
How you're doing
And she really is a sweet lady
And it's not like we couldn't use the extra people there
Like, you know, for an audience or whatever
Because god knows he doesn't have much of a family
But, I don't know, I just felt--

Well, weird

So I just kept putting it off
And you know me
I put things off
And put things off
And the next thing I know
My daughter's getting married tomorrow
And only half the favors are done
And I didn't invite the weird woman from work to the wedding

Oh well

The important thing to remember
Is that it's never too late
To get everything done

There's always time for everything
Despite what people may say

There's always time
To make do things right
Make good decisions
Change your mind if you...

Now wait
You don't know where I'm going with this

I'm just saying
Only half the favors are done
And so few people are coming
And you're sweating

Brides don't sweat

Not even jittery brides
I never perspired
When I was going to marry your father

I was happy
I was sooo happy
Just thinking about spending the rest of my life
With him

Do you feel that way?

Honestly, do you?

I just want you to know
That we can call this all off
It's not as if we're at some sort of
Point of no return

The time it takes to correct a mistake
Is always longer
Than the time it takes
To stop one before it happens

Remember that

But if you're happy
You're happy

But if you're not...

Well, we still have until tomorrow
To figure it out, don't we?

Plenty of time

Plenty of time
To think things over

It All Has to Be Now

How much you wanna bet
You're going to be sitting next to that guy
With the douchebag sunglasses
On the plane?

Douchebag sunglasses
Is probably going to hit on you
Slightly lowering
His db glasses
And say something like--

'Hey, have you ever been to Morocco?'

I bet he goes to Brown
I bet he goes to Brown and majors in something
That sounds impressive
But isn't a real thing

Like--Biothermalnucleartranseconomics

Oh, and he writes on the side

He's working on the Great American Novel
And it'll be about a young man
Who bears a striking resemblance
To Holden Caulfield
From 'The Catcher in the Rye'

A section of his novel
Will be in The New Yorker
And you will marry this man
And live a wonderful New York life
Reading the copy of The New Yorker that he's in
Over and over again

Ha

Don't get on the plane

No, not because of Douchebag sunglasses
But because...

First of all, this is so dramatic
I mean who takes a plane to New York?
It's four hours away

Typical Rhode Islander
You can't go more than twenty minutes
Outside of the state
Without needing luggage

This would be easier
If I had a ride somewhere
To convince you
But I don't
So here's my next best option

You want to get married?

Look, I know you didn't just come back
To visit some apartment we used to live in
And experience pizza strips one last time

You can back to see if I got my shit together

Well, I did
I got it together
Just not all the way together yet

But I'm not willing to wait until that happens
Until I get you back

Look, I don't blame you for leaving
The first time

But if you leave now
I don't know if I can forgive you

Because I'm here, you know?
I'm here
And I'm telling you
I'm good

I'm not great
Not yet
But I'm good

And with time
I'll get better

But I want you here with me

Okay?

So marry me
Or don't

Just don't get on the plane

Maybe it's just four hours
But it's four hours farther
Than I want to be from you

Let's get your luggage
And go back to my place
And start something

Something we didn't have before

Stop going back to places we used to live
And just live somewhere now

It's gotta be now
It has to be

It all has to be now

This Isn't a Time to Talk

Honey, the thing is--

The thing is--

There's a right
And a wrong time for things

And a lot of the time
It's the right time
To, you know
Talk things out
And really hear each other
And be present

But this isn't one of those times

Okay?

This is a time
To just, do what Mommy says
So that bad things don't happen, okay?

Now, Mommy's trying not to panic
Because she's fine
And we're fine
And everything's fine

As long as we make sure
We don't waste time
Because then things won't be fine

I don't want to make you upset
But sometimes you have to be upset
To understand the urgency--
Ugh, what am I saying?
To understand that some things
Need to happen
Fast

Now, Mommy has made a few bad decisions
Which have resulted in her
Having to do some things
That she's not proud of

Like right now

Mommy is not proud right now
Not proud at all
But sometimes...

Well sometimes you can't be proud
Because you need help
And it's nearly impossible
To need help
And ask for it
And be proud
At the same time

The thing is...

Mommy took money she had
That she earned
That was hers
And she tried to make more money
So she could open up that store she always talks about
The one that's going to have nothing but music boxes in it?

You know how Mommy always talks about that?

And so Mommy took some risks
And those risks
Didn't really pay off
And now Mommy needs to pay back what she--

Uh--

Well, it's complicated

It's very complicated

The point is
Mommy needs your piggy bank

Sweetie, I promise
That one day
I will give you back
Whatever it is that's in there
But right now
Mommy needs what's in there
Or a bad man
Is going to hurt Mommy

Do you understand that?

Now, I don't want to have to take the piggy bank from you
I want you to willingly give Mommy the piggy bank
So that you can participate
In the resolution
Of this conflict

Does that make sense?

I do not want to be a bad Mommy
But given the choice
Between being a bad Mommy
And a dead Mommy
I think bad Mommy
Is definitely what we both would want, right?

I mean, it's just a goddammed piggy bank, right?

So can you just give Mommy the DAMN PIGGY BANK?

. . . . .

I'm sorry

I'm sorry I...

Keep the bank

Keep the bank
Mommy will figure out--

...Something

Just...

I just...wish I had more time

I just wish I had more time
To figure all this out

Or You Could Stay Here

You could head home
At this late, late hour

Even though it's that time of the month
When cops are usually looking
To fill ticket quotas

You could drive through several
Bad neighborhoods
Hitting several red lights
Waiting by the ominous abandoned warehouse
For the light to change to green

You know that light
By the abandoned warehouse
Takes forever
To change

Or you could stay here

You know, at first I didn't even notice
That you were in such a hurry to leave
Because, you know, we usually do this in the afternoon

You tell your wife you're working late
And she doesn't care anyway
Because she's busy gambling all her money away
At the casino

And you're here with me
And I thought that accounted for why
You always check your watch
And the clock on my nightstand
And that novelty clock
I got at Dollywood

I thought you were worried
About the time

When really--

You just want to get out of here

Oh please

You think I don't know
That your wife just texted you
Telling you she'd be home late
Because she's gotta go do who knows what
Probably settle up some gambling debts

You could stay here all night
And she probably wouldn't care
Isn't your sitter taken care of for the night?

That weird college girl you hire from time to time
Who lives going food shopping at three am

You know, it's really sad when the gay lover of a married man
Is not the most interesting person in his life

Is that why you don't want to hang around?

Am I boring to you?

Should I learn a trick?
Juggling perhaps?

You could go, you know
I'm only teasing

Or you could stay here

Show me that I'm not what I think I am
Even though I'm pretty sure I'm exactly what I think I am

At least help me dress it up
And make it look nice
So I can fall asleep
After you leave

At least hold me
Until you hear me start to snore
And then you can creep out

But do that at least

Give me something

I give you everything
Everything I have
You get

All I want
Is twenty lousy minutes
Where I can pretend
That you're not going anywhere

A scrap of time

You can manage that
Can't you?

I'm going to go to bed

If I feel your arms around me in five minutes
That we can just keep going
The way we are

But if you leave me laying there
Waiting for you
And all I hear
Is the door slam

Then it's slamming for the last time
Do you understand me?

I won't keep doing this
I won't...

I'm going to go to bed

I'll be waiting

Either way

To see what you decide

Time Limits

I'm giving myself twelve minutes
To clean the kitchen
Which seems like a reasonable amount of time

I mean, the kitchen's not that bad
I would say it's reasonably dirty
If there's such a thing as reasonably dirty
So twelve minutes should cover it
But I'm putting in a two minute buffer
In case underneath the sink
Is worse than I remember

I could always go look underneath the sink
And then figure out the time limit for the kitchen
But once I start planning
I hate to stop
Because it's just one of those things you have to do
When you're on a roll
Otherwise you spend too much time
Planning to plan
And the next thing you know
You're laid out on the coffee table
With an empty bag of mesquite potato chips next to you
Wondering where your life went

I gave myself twenty minutes for the bathroom
Because bathrooms can be deceptively dirty

A seemingly clean shower
Can lead to two hours of scrubbing and weeping
And swearing at your dog

The bedroom gets ten minutes
The living room gets fourteen
And each of the closets gets six
Except the bedroom closet
Which gets four hours

You know, it helps to have these limits
Because otherwise
You devote too much time to something
And I hate
I hate
Wasting time like that

It drives me insane

Because with a little forethought
You can avoid it altogether

I use my Sundays to plan my weeks
Well, up until Wednesday
And then I use Wednesday to plan until Friday
And then Saturday I just sort of wing it

Well, I wing the three hours that I don't plan

And let me tell you something
Those can be three
Crazy hours

But ultimately I like to make sure
That all bases are covered
At all times

Because, you know
Life's too short

Life's too short
To not make sure
You get the most out of it

Now, if you'll excuse me
I've got a messy closet
That needs me
For the next few hours

The One Time I Don't

I play everyday
Okay
Everyday
And that's not an exaggeration
That's not, like, you know
What do they say?
Hyperbolic?
I'm not being hyperbolic
I mean, I bought those tickets
Every single day

I'd play my birthday
My mother's birthday
My parents' anniversary
My phone number
My girlfriend's birthday
All my girlfriends' birthdays
I mean, I used to spend a lot of money on this
Because, you know, you gotta spend money
To make money

I mean, you don't just fall into cash
You really have to invest
And know how to play the system
And be patient
I mean, this took a lot of time
I've been doing this for years, okay?
I mean, years of doing this
And people telling me
I'm wasting my time
And I'm wasting my money
And blah blah blah
And I just keep saying
It's okay
It's okay because eventually
I mean, if you play that much everyday
The odds, which, yes, are bad
Become not so bad
And I mean, it only takes one
It only takes one ticket
You see what I'm saying?

It only takes one
And you're golden
You're good for life

And then one day
I'm sick
I mean, I wake up
And I'm practically catatonic
Can't move
Cannot move
Can't even get to my cell phone
Which is charging on the nighstand next to me
To, like, call someone
For help, or whatever

I sit there for hours
And then finally
I'm fine

I'm okay

Just like that

So I rush to the hospital
Because I'm thinking--

This isn't normal
And I sit in some emergency room
For a few hours
And then they do tests
And nothing comes up
On any of them

I leave
I go home
I pass out again

I forget to play my numbers

And guess what numbers come out?

You got it

Split between these two people

Two people--not just one

And neither one of those two people
Is me

And you want to know
What I think?

You want to know my theory?

My theory is that time
Punished me

Time penalized me
For laying in that bed

For not trying harder
To get over my psycho-so-whatever
And go play

Because as soon as I didn't
There were my numbers

See, that's what time does to you
If you're not consistent

It gets you for it

It teaches you a lesson
It says--

See?

Here's what happens
When you're not on top of things

So now I'm back to square one

And from now on
I have plans

I have back-up plans
In case that weird whatever comes back

Friends and relatives
Who are going to play for me everyday
Just in case

I have new numbers
Better numbers
Numbers that seem like codes
For winning

I'm going to win next time

Next time when time is ready to screw me
I'll be ready to screw time instead

Shopping, or Infinite Time

A woman shops for a belt
Just a belt
Only a belt
We are only here for a belt

We arrived at the mall at noon

That was several months ago

The belt has yet to be found

Shoes have been found
Dresses have been found
A lion cub has been found
Hiding in the middle of the clearance rack

I've adopted it
And named it Coco
And taught it tricks
While my wife
Shops
For a belt

I say my wife has no concept of time
And people think I'm vocalizing that old cliche
But I mean it in a very literal sense

My wife
Has no concept
Of time

She can actually transcend time
While shopping

She comes home occasionally
Thinking she's been done for an hour
To find that our children are grown
And I've remarried and divorced twice

While we've been here in this department store
I've evolved

I've developed gills and feathers

Technically, I could fly out of here right now
And directly into the nearest body of water
Where I could live happily for the rest of my life
But apathy has washed over me
Like a cool, calm tide

While my wife looks for a belt
I see other men looking at me

Tears roll down their faces
Like that Indian
In the pollution commercial
From the seventies

They don't know that I've evolved past grief
And anger
And pretty much everything
That would involve me going through this experience
As a normal human being might

It's the only way to protect my sanity

When we leave this mall
There will be no more oxygen
Or atmosphere
Or war
Or hair

Humans will have waists
That automatically adjust
To fit whatever pants are around them
So you see
Belts
Will not
Be necessary

Isn't that funny?

I could tell my wife that
But I'd rather not disturb her

She's like a gazelle when she's shopping

Frighten her
And she'll run into the appliances department
Where you may not see her for months

So I just let her be

Time, after all
Is relative

After awhile, you start to see it

Its grains

All falling
Like rain from the sky

And as long as you look at it that way

Spending eternity
Looking for a belt

Really doesn't seem
That bad

Time to Knock It Off

Tomorrow I'm working a wedding
Which means I gotta be up early
Which means you gotta be up early
Because I'm not leaving you on my couch again
So my roommate can bitch at me
About having you over

You can't blame him
You threw up on the tv

I mean, I found it kind of funny

I've never heard of anyone
Throwing up on a tv
So maybe it wasn't funny
But it was at least original

I guess what I want to know is
When is this all going to get old for you?

This--coming here
And seeing me
And drinking too much
And crashing at my place
Or someone else's
Waking up the next day
On a couch
Or a floor

I just think...

I just think you need to wonder
When the last time needs to be

I mean, it's okay now
Because we're young enough
Where it's expected, you know?

It's expected that we'll do stupid shit
And there's no consequences for it
Because we're in college
And we work part-time
And what do we need to be functional for anyway?

An Intro to Lit class?
A five-hour shift at a restaurant
Where the priciest thing on the menu
Is deep-friend chicken fingers?

A wedding where the girl getting married
Looks a lot prettier than you?

Why be a grown-up, right?

Enjoy the time you have
To be a kid

But I wonder, you know
When does that end?

I feel like we keep stretching it back
You know, like, with each generation

It used to be that you were an adult at eighteen
Now it's after college

Lately it's been pushed to thirty
And now even the thirty-year-olds are acting like...

Like when is it time to knock it off, you know?

When's the time to say
I'm past this?

Or...I should be past this?

Well, whatever

I'll meet you back at the apartment
Key's under the mat

It'll always be there for you, you know
If you need it

But maybe you should think about
How many more times
You want to wake up
On someone else's couch