When to Remodel the Kitchen

If your wife wants to do the kitchen
Then you should let me talk to her
Because, trust me
This is not the time
To redo your kitchen

There is never a time
To redo your kitchen

I guess you could redo the kitchen
When you have tons of money
Sitting in a bank account
And you're not sure what to do with it

Or if you find yourself feeling particularly happy
And you find yourself missing the mire of despair

Or if you're not fighting with your wife enough
Or if you're eating too much
Of if you think your house isn't dirty enough
And you'd like to see sawdust
And dirt and paint
Splattered everywhere

Then I'd say, go ahead and redo your kitchen

But if none of those things apply
Then leave the friggin' kitchen
The way it is

You wanna know why my life left me?

Because we redid our kitchen

She says it was the infidelity
But I'm telling you

It was the kitchen

If I'd have left the kitchen the way it was
And bought her a diamond necklace
She wouldn't have cared
Who I was screwing

Home restoration does twisted things
To people

And whenever you convince yourself to do it
You always tell yourself
That it's the right time

Like there's ever a good time
To take a perfectly good life
And fuck it up

Certain things
Have nothing to do
With timing

There is never a good time
To tell a woman you love her
To eat Indian food
Or to remodel your kitchen

Now, granted, some of these things
You have to do
Regardless of the timing

But a kitchen you should be able to leave alone
Unless somebody dies in it
Or the stove explodes
Or something

I'm telling you
Stay away from that friggin' kitchen

And buy your wife some jewelry

Those two things
Are the secret
To a happy marriage