And I Was Going to Leave

I feel guilty, because...

Jesus Christ

I'm sorry, can we?

I just need a second, um...

Fuck

Okay, um...

I was going to leave
Today
I...

I had this letter written
And I had a bag packed
And that was going to be it
Done
I was done

Because my husband and I
We haven't been
And when we adopted our son
That was sort of to--

I mean, we'd already been having problems
And we did that thing
That couples do
That you're not supposed to do
Where you have a kid
And then everything's fine
And it wasn't, obviously
Because it never is
It wasn't fine at all

It was worse
If anything

Because I didn't really--

I didn't want a kid

Okay?

I didn't want to be a dad
I'm a terrible dad

But of course I never wanted--

I was going to let him keep him
Our son
I was going to leave our son
With my husband

Because that seemed liked the right thing to do
Because, like I said
I'm not--

I was going to leave everything
The house, the car, everything
I mean I was going to leave with the clothes on my back
And our son is so young, you know
I doubt he'd even care
I mean he loves my husband
So much more than he loves me
And you can say that's crazy but
I'm telling you
He does

And then today came
And I go to leave
And I'm in the house
Looking for an envelope
For a fucking envelope
To put the letter in
So I can put it somewhere
Where he'd find it
You know, after I'd...

And I can't find one
Because when do you ever have an envelope, you know?

And I think about it now
And I think--

If I had found that envelope sooner
I might have been out the door
I might have even seen it happen
I might have been able to stop it
It's all...

You know it's all this insane timing
This crazy way
That everything just timed out
It's...

And I was going to tell him
That I was just going to the store
Or something

I was going to make up some
Bullshit excuse
To go

And then he comes running in the house
Screaming 'They took him.  They took him.'

And I'm saying--What?

I didn't know what--

And he says--Where are the keys?

And I don't know--the keys?

And he says--The keys!  The keys to the car!

So I see the keys on the table
In the hall
And I hold them out to him
And he literally like grabs them
From my hand
And just runs out of the house
Screaming the whole time
Saying 'Call the police!'

And I'm going, you know
Call and say what?

I don't even know what's happening
And then I realize
Like, after he's gone

I realize somebody grabbed him
Somebody grabbed our son
From the yard
From the front yard
In, like, broad daylight

And that was...

I still had the letter in my hand

I was standing there

Just...stunned

Holding that letter

Thinking what it said
About how...

About how we never should have adopted him

About how it was a bad idea

And I'm standing there
Holding that letter feeling like...

Like I did this

Like somehow...

Somehow I was responsible

Like somehow
This was
All my fault