At Just the Right Time

The problem is
I see these informercials
At just the right time

My granddaughter
Hates going to sleep
Because she's a kid
All kids are like that

My son wasn't, of course
Because he was unnaturally good
I mean he was a freakishly well-behaved child
Not like my daughter
But girls are always tougher

My mother had eleven girls
And two days after giving birth to the eleventh one
She died of a heart attack
At the age of forty-four

Really I think God just figured--

She's had too many girls
Death will be easier for her

Anyway, I could never get to sleep
Maybe my granddaughter gets it from me

So they have this informercial
For this special night light
That soothes kids
And helps them sleep
Isn't that wonderful?

You know, people make fun of you
When you buy things off the television
At two am

But you can get some incredible deals
On some very interesting products

Yesterday I bought a vacuum cleaner
That turns itself off

Now, you may laugh at that
But yesterday afternoon
I was vacuuming
And I completely forgot what I was doing
And went to do the laundry
And my vacuum cleaner was still going

I'm not saying it was bothering anybody
But still, that's a lot of wasted electricity

My bill's probably going to be outrageous this month

So you see, I saw this ad
At a very appropriate time

That always happens to me

I see things
Right when I've decided I need them

I decide I want to incorporate bagels into my breakfast
An ad comes on the tv for one of those special toasters
That you can toast bagels in

I decide I want to get a cat
But I don't want to deal with the litterbox
And I see an ad for that robot litterbox
That does everything for you

My son tells me that my granddaughter hates bedtime
And there's Marilu Henner on my tv
Solving my problem for me
With the Sleepy Lite

And at that price
I'd buy it
Even if I didn't have a granddaughter

If my husband were alive
He'd hate me buying all this stuff
But now that he's gone, I...

I'm having trouble sleeping again
But I'm also experiencing this whole new world
Of television and inventions

Sometimes things work out just perfectly
As long as you give them
The time to

You let kids grow up
And they learn to love going to bed

Your toaster can't fit bagels
And someone invents something
That can

Your whole life gets fixed
And as long as you're up late enough
All you have to do
Is hand over your credit card number

It's great, isn't it?

It makes you feel better about the fact
That you still have trouble
Getting to sleep
By yourself