Tax Time

Every year we go through this
And every year I tell myself
That I will quit
I will quit my job
And move to Maui
And play a guitar on a beach
While beautiful woman
Ask me if I'd like a pink drink
With a little volcano in it
Made from a pomegranate rind

And INSTEAD
I find myself here
With you
Explaining what is
And what is not
A deduction

I guess this is where I give a cute little list
Of what is and what is not a deduction
But in the interest of saving time
Let me just say this:

Nothing you have done
Or purchased
This year
Is a deduction

That may be going out on a limb
But knowing you
It's a pretty sturdy tree

And why do you have to wait
Until the last possible day to do this to me?

Do you have any idea how pleased I feel
When I finally see
That my e-mails are all answered
And my in-box is clear?

I think, Ah yes, I've weathered another tax season
I can now see my wife and children again
And my daughter can show me
All her new tattoos

My family waits until tax time
And then they do all the things
They want to do during the year
That would normally give me a coronary

After tax season I'm usually too tired
To have a heart attack
So this is actually brilliant planning
On their part

But just as I'm getting to that point
That point of--Check, check, check
I'm done, mission accomplished

In you walk with a shoebox full of receipts
And that guilty little smile
I'm sure you think is just adorable
And you lay everything in front of me
Like somebody bringing King Solomon a baby
And you expect me to cut it in half

Well, cut your own damn baby

I have no interest
In continuing to torment myself
Just because it happens to be
My chosen career

I have earned that trip to Maui
I have earned time with my guitar
I have earned women who speak colonized English
And pomegranate volcanoes

I have earned it!

So good luck with your taxes
I would suggest finding someone else to do them
Someone young
With patience
And a soul

I've got neither anymore
Not when it comes to people like you

Whatever you do
Don't send the government
What you have now

You'll be audited
If not outright shot
By a firing squad

Best of luck
And please, leave me your mailing address

This time next year
You can expect a lovely postcard
With me on the front of it