The Time It Takes to Make a Scar

My mom makes fun of me all the time
Because I'm always taking care of everyone
Always checking in
Always making sure
Everybody's doing okay

She's grateful, I think
That there's someone
Who checks in with my younger sister
You know, aside from her
She's glad that we're close

I'm glad too

But even I didn't tell my sister
About what happened

To be honest, I didn't really know what happened
Until--God, that sounds insane
I mean, I know what happened, but it was...

It wasn't some guy
Pulling me into an alley or something
Holding a knife to my head, you know?

I mean, it really wasn't anywhere
As near as bad as that
It was just...

I went on a date with this guy
He had too much to drink
I helped him back to his place
Which was this apartment on-campus
You know, again, me playing caretaker

Anyway, we got there
And he was really drunk
And he...

He made advances towards me
And I, you know, I don't make it a point
To...do things with guys who are that intoxicated
But he was bigger than me
God, that's so Lifetime, isn't it?
He was bigger than me
I said 'No'

...But I did say 'No'

That's what sort of
Clearly makes it a...

What it is

Was, whatever

And it was awhile ago
And when I realized
I mean, when I accepted
What had happened
I knew that I was just going to have to
Give myself time
You know, to get over it

To get past it
So I could move on

I mean, I was a freshman in college
This all happened very early
I mean, very early in my...

So I just wanted to get past it

But it was, you know, difficult
To then be intimate
With anybody else

And so just recently
I said, Well, this is stupid
You know?

It's stupid to punish other guys
For what one guy did

So I just sort of--

There was this guy at a party
And he was cute
And so he said...
And I was like, Sure, yeah
You know?

Let's just do this
So I can get past the whole--
First time after--after, you know

And we started and I...

It was a bad idea

It was a bad idea
To try, um, that

But I thought...

You know, I had given it so much time

I mean,  I had just given it
So much time
And I just couldn't believe--

I couldn't believe
It still hurt that bad

Even after
All that time