That Extra Hour

So my boss wants to keep this place open until nine
Which I am NOT happy about

We close at eight
We have always closed at eight
Except for the day before holidays
When we close at five
We do not close at nine
We have never closed at nine
We will NOT close at nine
I can promise you that

We're a coffeeshop
People don't need coffee after eight o'clock

You drink coffee after eight
You're up until two am
Talking about how the government
Was responsible for Designing Women being cancelled

We're not even busy between seven and eight
So who are we staying open for?

That support group for barren women
That meets here once a month
So they can cry for an extra hour
About how they can't have kids
And then refuse to tip me?

Let me tell you something
I don't have sympathy for anybody
Dealing with anything
If they refuse to tip

Now the transsexual book club?
Those are good tippers
They can stay here all night
For all I care
But aside from them
I'm not staying open that extra hour

Here's how it goes:

When you work day ends at eight
You can still have a life

You can still go out for a meal
Meet up with friends
Run a few errands
And still make it home in time for
The World's Littlest Matchmaker
On TLC

We stay open that extra hour
My entire life falls apart

I may as well just go home
Eat my mushroom yogurt
And go to bed

By the way, mushroom yogurt
Is the newest thing

You eat a pint of it a day
And in eight weeks
You look like a young Carly Simon

But what's the point in looking good
If I'm stuck at work
Every night until nine

You know who goes out after nine?
Sex monsters and terrorists

That's who's wandering the streets
At nine o'clock
When my boss wants me
To be closing up here

A young, innocent woman like myself

Is he out of his friggin' mind?

I might just go on strike
I wouldn't mind some time out of work

All those extra hours add up

Next thing you know
You've spent your whole life
Serving lattes
To Latvian kids
Who want bacon in their coffee
Because Latvia is a godless country
Where they put weird shit in their coffee
And circumcise their ears to ward off evil spirits

My cousin went to Latvia
He told me all about it

Anyway, pretty soon
All you're doing is working
And life's too short
To do nothing but work

If there's one bit of wisdom I can leave you with it's that

Oh, and eat mushroom yogurt

It works miracles