What I Don't Like About My Child

I don't like that she gives you a hard time
About going to bed

I used to give my parents a hard time about that
And I never stopped

To this day, I call them up sometimes
Just to let them know
It's two am
And I'm still up
And not going to bed
Anytime soon

I don't like that she has my spirit
And, because she's my child
The spirit is stronger in her
Much like with the Jedis
Or the vampires
Or whatever

The point is she's stronger than me
I can feel it

In Ancient Greece, it would have been likely
That one day she would kill me
And take the empire

Thank God we live in modern times

I don't like that she already has opinions
Didn't we agree that she wouldn't be allowed to have opinions
Until she was twenty-seven?

She has defied us in this
She is, I'm afraid--

Opinionated

I don't like how she looks at me
When I say something stupid

I don't like that I now say stupid things
Far more often than I did
When there was nobody there
To judge me for saying them

I don't like that I find myself trying to reason with her
As if one is capable of reasoning at her age
As if I should have to reason with her
As if I shouldn't be able to demand
Unconditional obedience
And then have her fetch me some grog

Why couldn't I have been a parent four hundred years ago
When your only responsibility was making sure
That your child wasn't kidnapped
By a roving pack
Of Vikings

I don't like that she likes time so much

She likes seeing it go by

Here's my birthday again
Here's Christmas
Here's another day when I'm a little bit older
All leading to a time
When I won't need my parents at all

I don't like that I can see her
Yearn for that day

Because I dread that day

I'm already dreading it

But you know, in terms of
What I don't like, well...

I guess, with time
I'll get over all that

Here's hoping anyway