Be Present

I've started seeing a therapist
Because I'm not present

That's a, sort of a--
Well, an overused expression

But the thing about overused expressions
Is that, at a certain point, people stop examining them
And so they stop using them
In terms of application
In terms of applying them
To themselves

And so things go undiagnosed
Because people are afraid
Or, more appropriately, bored
With certain words
Certain overused words
Expressions
Like--

Be present
Afraid of commitment
Insanity

Nowaday's everybody's crazy
I wonder if the crazy people
Feel gypped

Anyway, I'm not present

I'm at work
And I'm thinking about being home

I'm at home
And I think about going to bed

I'm making love to my wife
And I think about the car in the garage
And is it lonely

Not a joke, I promise you

My eyes are constantly empty
In that way that eyes are
When they're looking at something
That isn't there
But might be there
Eventually

The way that architects
Look at plots of land

That's how I look at everything

And time is...

My son's going to Israel
He wants to return to his roots

People are obsessed
With where they came from
Because they think
If they can find where they began
Than they'll never end

They'll go on infinitely

Nobody wants to die
That's what it all boils down to

So we don't think about now
Because now expires

Because now becomes then
And with enough then behind you
You're--what?

So I stay two steps ahead of myself
I make plans for two, four, seven years from now

I remember one of my favorite directors
Film directors--when he was--must have been seventy-two
He talked about filming this trilogy
How it would take him twelve years
And I thought--Well, okay, eighty-four
That's not--I mean, people make it to eighty-four
And some make it with their minds intact
With the ability to work--intact

But still--to bet on that?

But the older I get
The more I realize
You can't bet on anything

You certainly can't bet on time

Tomorrow or two weeks from tomorrow
Two years
Twelve

My son's going to Israel
My wife is going to divorce me
My car sits in a garage
My therapist talks
And I listen

And I want to be present
In all of it

But it scares me

It scares
The life out of me