The Emergency Room

If my therapist were here right now
I'd be crying
Because that's what I do
Because that's the essence of our relationship
I pay
I cry
My therapist nods
This is our agreement

My therapist offers me
A safe place to cry

And it used to be
That crying twice a week
For an hour or so
Was enough

That was enough time
To let myself unravel
And then put myself
Back together again
Until the next session

But unfortunately
It's no longer enough

Now I need more time
And so I woke up in the middle of the night
And I needed to cry
But then I couldn't stop
And I was crying so hard
That I couldn't breathe

And so I got in my car
Not breathing, mind you
Only able to pull in short, shallow intakes of breath
Drove myself to the nearest emergency room
And this is where I've been
For the past six hours

They shouldn't call it an Emergency Room

They should call it
'If You're Still Alive by the Time We See You
Then It Wasn't an Emergency' room

Or they could call it the 'You're Going to Die Here' room

Either would be more appropriate
Than it's actual name

I realize that what I have
Is not an actual emergency

I need to cry
And I need someone
To watch me do it
And not judge me for it

I have allocated a certain amount of time
To crying per week
And I misjudged how much that amount of time
Would need to expand over time
And for this, I feel foolish
But nevertheless--SIX HOURS?

SIX FUCKING HOURS OF MY LIFE
NEVER TO BE SEEN AGAIN?

I'm upset
Obviously

I just want to cry

I just want to cry a little
And nobody will let me here

Here there's paperwork
And harsh lighting
And if I cry here
Nobody will care
Not even if I pay them to

So I have to wait

And when I leave here
Assuming I ever do
I'll have to plan my time out better

Give myself a few more hours a week
To grieve for...

For whatever it is I'm grieving for

It's not the most productive use of my time
But not many people have the luxury
Of spending time
On what they'd like to be spending time on

So I cry

Maybe it's not an emergency
Not every time

But it makes me feel better

It makes me feel
Like I'm slowly
Slowly
Letting go
Of something
I can't see or name or identify

Sometimes
Those are the best things
To let go

Before they take shape
And really start causing you problems