The Deadline

Hi hi hi, okay
I'm aware--
First let me say that I am aware--
That this is two hours late--
But--
I would like to say--
But--
That...
Two hours ago
I was covered in vomit

Maybe I should backtrack

My daughter, who's nineteen
Usually watches my other daughter
Who's fifteen
And--oh my god, none of this is pertinent
You know when you try to tell a story
And you think what you're saying is pertinent
But it's really--

Uh, so--

My daughter who's nineteen
Is doing this internship
And she had to stay late today
But she's trying to get this promotion
Which is great, so proud of her, but--
My fifteen-year-old is sick
And she's throwing up everywhere
And I was on my way here
And then she just started vomiting
Like, everywhere
Like, it was--

It was as if there was a hose
Behind her neck
Like, a lawn hose
And it was just--I mean, I can't even say spewing
Spewing doesn't even really begin to--

I screamed

I mean, I have given birth--twice
Naturally
I have experienced things that you--
As a man
And I'm not being sexist, but really--
Things have happened to my body
Do you get what I'm saying to you?
Things have HAPPENED to my BODY
Twice, mind you, twice
And this vomiting thing still really unnerved me
I screamed
Out loud
Into the vomit

I faced the vomit head on
You would have been proud
As my professor and mentor

But that's why this paper is two hours late

Now, I don't want to pull the Mom card
Or the returning student card
Or the I'm twice the age of most of the other students card
Or the 'My nineteen-year-old might be making more money starting next week than I have ever made in my life'

But I'm not going to pull those cards

Because I already pulled those cards
When I was two weeks late
With the last paper

Instead, I am just going to remind you
That this paper
Is only two hours late
And two hours ago
I was covered in vomit
And crying
And screaming
And on the verge of giving up

And I didn't

I didn't

Instead I calmed down
And took a shower
And grabbed my backpack
And got in my car

...And my car didn't start

So I borrowed my daughter's bike
And I biked here

I biked here
To give you this paper

So please
Do not say the word 'deadline' to me

Please, I am begging you
Do not say that word

Just take the paper
And read it
And give it a grade
That you think is fair
Based on its content
And not the tardiness of its delivery

I thank you, in advance
For that

And by the way
If the last page is a little purple
Don't worry

I'm almost positive
It's just grape-flavored cough medicine

...Almost