How Do You Turn This Thing Off?

(A theater.  A WOMAN flags down an USHER.)

WOMAN:  Excuse me?

USHER:  Yes?

WOMAN:  I need help turning off my phone.

USHER:  Oh—

WOMAN:  I just bought it.  I feel so silly.

USHER:  It’s fine.  I’m glad you asked.

WOMAN:  Thank you so much.

USHER:  Better now than during the show, right?

                (She hands the USHER the phone and the USHER turns it off and hands it back to her.)

WOMAN:  Thank you again.

                (The USHER turns to go and notices the WOMAN has turned the phone back on.)

USHER:  Uh, ma’am?

WOMAN:  Yes?

USHER:  I think you just turned it back on.

WOMAN:  No, I’m just making sure it’s off.

USHER:  But what you did actually turns the phone back on.

WOMAN:  Holding down these buttons?

USHER:  Right.  That turns it on.

WOMAN:  So it’s on now?

USHER:  Yes.

WOMAN:  Oh.

                (A beat.)

Can you turn it off for me?

USHER:  Sure.

WOMAN:  New phone.

USHER:  No problem.

                (The USHER turns it off again.)

Enjoy the show.

                (The USHER starts to walk away, but notices the WOMAN turn on the phone again.)

USHER:  Uh, ma’am—

WOMAN:  I’m just making sure the volume is off.

USHER:  But you turned the phone on again.

WOMAN:  No, I’m just lowering the volume.

USHER:  You don’t need to worry about the volume if the phone is off.

WOMAN:  But you just said it was on.

USHER:  Yes, because you…turned it on.

WOMAN:  Oh.

                (A beat.)

Can you turn it off?

USHER:  I—Sure.  But—the show is about to start soon so—

WOMAN:  It’s a new phone.

USHER:  Right.  It’s just—once I turn it off, maybe, uh, if you could…not touch it…again?

WOMAN:  I won’t.  I’m sorry.

                (The USHER turns off the phone.)

USHER:  There you go.

WOMAN:  Is the volume off?

USHER:  Yes, it—yes.

WOMAN:  My nephew tells me to leave it on silent, but what’s the use of a phone if it’s on silent?

USHER:  Well, you can put it on vibrate.

WOMAN:  Vibrate?

USHER:  Yes—that way you can still tell when—

WOMAN:  Oh, I don’t like that.

USHER:  Well—

WOMAN:  I don’t like that at all.

USHER:  Well, it’s not on vibrate, it’s off.  So—you’re all set.

WOMAN:  So what if someone calls me?

USHER:  It’ll go to your voicemail.

WOMAN:  Did I set up my voicemail?

USHER:  I don’t know.  Did you?

WOMAN:  I’m not sure.

                (She goes to turn the phone on.)

USHER:  Ma’am, please, the show is about to start.

WOMAN:  But what if I get a call?

USHER:  Then you’ll see that you have a missed call.

WOMAN:  Where would I see that?

USHER:  On your phone.

WOMAN:  But you said it’s off.

USHER:  But you’ll turn it back on.

WOMAN:  That’s what I was about to do.

USHER:  Don’t do it now, please, do it at intermission.

WOMAN:  But what if I need to take the call?

USHER:  You can’t.

WOMAN:  But what if I have to?

USHER:  Then I suggest you avoid theater at all costs.

                (A beat.)

WOMAN:  You know, when I was younger, we didn’t have to worry about all this.

USHER:  Yes, well—

WOMAN:  We never had to worry about cell phones.

USHER:  That’s—

WOMAN:  Off and on, off and on—

USHER:  But right now—off.

WOMAN:  You know, my friend Louise has a cough.  I should make sure she can get in touch with me if she dies or anything.

USHER:  Is the cough that bad?

WOMAN:  I don’t know.  I haven’t heard it.  I told her to call me around two fifteen and let me listen to it over the phone.

USHER:  But you know the show starts at two?

WOMAN:  Yes.

USHER:  So why did you tell her to call at two fifteen?

WOMAN:  Oh, is it a long show?

USHER:  It’s…longer than fifteen minutes.

WOMAN:  Oh, I didn’t know that.

USHER:  You—

WOMAN:  I’d better use the restroom then.

USHER:  I don’t know if you have time.

WOMAN:  Well, why didn’t you say that to begin with?

USHER:  You didn’t—

WOMAN:  I wonder if I told her to call at two fifteen or two.

USHER:  The show starts at two—

WOMAN:  But I forgot I was going to the show when I left her the message.  At least, I think I left her a message.  I don’t think she has her voicemail set up.

USHER:  Sounds like an epidemic.

WOMAN:  So I’m just supposed to sit here, cut off from the outside world, not able to reach anybody for fifteen whole minutes?

USHER:  Two hours.

WOMAN:  TWO HOURS?

USHER:  That’s about the length of a—

WOMAN:  What if there’s an emergency?

USHER:  I don’t know.  What did you do back when you were younger and you didn’t have to worry about cell phones when there was an emergency and you were out somewhere?

                (A beat.)

WOMAN:  Huh.  I guess we just found out when we got home and it wasn't that big a deal because most of the time when there's an emergency you can't do anything about it right away anyway.

USHER:  Exactly.  Now, is there anything else I can help you with, ma’am?

WOMAN:  No, I think I’m all right.

USHER:  Wonderful.  Enjoy the show.

                (The USHER starts to walk away.  The WOMAN takes out a hard candy.)

Ma’am?

WOMAN:  Yes?

USHER:  What’s that?

WOMAN:  It’s for my throat.  In case I get that cough that’s going around.

USHER:  Are you going to unwrap it now?

WOMAN:  Why would I do that?  I’m not coughing now.

USHER:  I…fine.

WOMAN:  Shouldn’t you be making yourself scarce?  The show’s about to start.

USHER:  Thank you, ma’am.  I almost forgot.

                (The USHER leaves the theater, drives to the ocean, and walks into the water--never looking back.)

The End

The Breakfast Table

She seems all right at breakfast

But you know later

You’re going to get a call

Leave work early

Go pick her up

Wait until you’re out of the car

Not in the driveway

Neighbors are watching

Neighbors know what’s up

When they see the car pull in

Midway through the day

Wait until you’re in the house

Then ask her

How much longer

This is going to--going to--

Your mother tells you

That you were the same way

And you know what?

Maybe she’s right

But when you called her

And told her

You needed to come home

She didn’t drop her cigarette

And come running

She told you to work it out

And you worked it out

Your mother talks like you were trouble

But she’s got no idea

What trouble looks like now

You can’t leave kids at school now

When they call

And say ‘Come get me’

The school won’t allow it

The other parent

The one who calls you

They won’t allow it

They won’t let you

Turn your back

Or force your daughter

To grow strong

On her own

No

You have to pick her up

You have to indulge her

You have to use positive language

Positive reinforcement

Happy time phrases

And smiles

And no grounding

Because there’s something
Wrong with her

There’s something wrong

That years ago

Would have just been beaten out of her

By some nuns or something

But not anymore

Now she’s precious

And you look at her the wrong way

Sixteen cops and social workers

Will be all over your ass like…

Like…

Send her to her room

She can handle that at least

Sit yourself down

At the breakfast table

And tell yourself

She was all right

At breakfast

Because she was

She was fine

But she never stays fine

For long

Instead, she waits

Until you think she’s fine

And then she pulls the tablecloth
And watches the fine china shatter

Everybody else thinks

This is normal

But you know

You know it’s not normal

That doesn’t mean

You think it calls

For these new measures

That wouldn’t have fixed you

And sure as hell

Aren’t fixing her

But let her stay in her room

You’re going to sit

At the breakfast table

And wait for it

To turn into the dinner table

And when the other parent

Looks at you

Then looks at her

And asks the two of you

What happened today

You’ll look at your daughter

And wait for her to say something

Because why should you say anything?

Who would want to listen to you

Anyway?

If You Could See Me Now

...And the regime is expected to take hold again if American forces…

Oh, look at that

Half past the hour

That means it’s time
For me to remind you, our listeners
That I am, in fact, very attractive

I do this every so often
And by every so often
I mean, every half hour
On the half hour
Because I routinely visit the gym
And have been told by many people
Mostly women--some gay men
A lot of gay men actually
But I was trying to be humble

That I--the voice you’re hearing--

Well, the person that the voice you’re hearing
Belongs to

--I’m very attractive

And so, you can imagine how ironic it is
And also, somewhat unfortunate
That all you can do
Is listen to me
Rather than see me

Believe me
It’s as upsetting to me
As it is to you

I didn’t mean to wind up
A podcast star
But things just sort of
Shook out that way
After I figured out
That being a weatherman wasn’t for me
Due to my greenscreen allergy

If you’d like
You can Google me
Look me up
Find a photo of me online
And stare at it
While you listen to my silky voice
Pour out of your--what?

Headphones?
Car speakers?
Whatever you use
To listen to me
While you’re in your kitchen
Sipping wine
And wishing I was there with you?

Well, I am there with you, Janine
Just like American forces are there in Turkey
Advocating for regime change

That’s what we in the business call--

A segue

That’s me taking you back
Into a serious story
Because I am a serious person
A serious journalist
Despite the lack of a journalism degree
And the stunning good looks
That would make it hard
To take me seriously
If you could see me

Lucky for you
You can’t

And also
Unlucky for you
You can’t

It’s good and bad
Just like the American forces

Just like changing the world
Just like regimes that keep the shelves
Stocked with food
But also kidnap that uncle you don’t like
And drop him in the middle
Of the Indian Ocean

Are you picturing me?

Are you trying to picture me?

Do you think it’s impossible
To picture me
Because I’m so handsome?

Well, you’re right about that

Your imagination
Could never
Do me justice

But I admire your efforts
And for those efforts
I am going to send you
An autographed photo of me
Just like it’s the 1950’s
And I’m your little matinee idol

Strong chin
Solid jaw
Teeth that look like
Mother of pearl

Hair

You can’t even begin
To think about my hair

It’ll rip your soul apart

So instead
Think of regime change

Think of the world
Taking down its visuals
And putting up the voice
Of someone so beautiful
You wouldn’t be able to look at them

Even if
You could

When You’re Young You Want Friends, When You’re Old You Need Enemies

There was this big discussion

About getting older

And veering--

Going, uh

More towards the Conservative side

Of things

And, uh

While I don’t want to encourage

That way of thinking--

I still think I’m pretty liberal

Pretty progressive

But I admit--

I admit to

Not being as extreme

In terms of--

In terms of my approach

To things

But, uh

I wanted to hear--

I wanted to hear out

The people who were looking at me

And saying--

Well, you’re so Conservative now

You’re one of those people

You got older

And now you’re more to the right

Of things

And, uh

I thought about that

And reflected on it

And while I still don’t want to

Give it too much attention

I do want to, uh

See if I can figure out

Why that might be true

For other people

And I think it boils down to this--

When you’re young you want friends

And when you’re old you need enemies

Now, I don’t know why that is

Or--or--Well, I do

You get older

And your life

Doesn’t pan out

The way you thought it would

And you want to blame somebody for that

And that’s, uh, that’s a lot of what Conservative thinking

Is these days

It’s just blame

It’s the Blame Game

They try to make it sound like

It’s the other side doing it

Whining and complaining

But the truth is--

Older people

And people who are politically more--

Where the overlap is, uh

Well, it’s in us needing to figure out

Where everything went wrong

And needing to look everywhere

But at ourselves

Young people

They don’t need that

And they can’t understand it

Because you have to be there

At that point in your life

To truly get

Why it happens

It can’t really--

You can try to explain it

Like I’m doing now

But it’s difficult

Because even if your life is perfect--

And too many people

It might look that way--

You’re going to have parts of it

That you’re not happy with

And you’re going to want

An answer for why that is

When I was younger

I wanted friends

I wanted so many friends

I wanted to just, uh

Be surrounded by friends

All the time

Constantly

Now I just want to be

Left alone

And, uh, that doesn’t help

With, uh, being in a sort of--

Progressive mood

I guess you would say

So, you know

Maybe that’s it

Maybe that’s why

You, uh, see that dynamic happening

But the strange thing is

Even if you buy into the dynamic

Even if you believe it, uh

It doesn’t cure it

Understanding it doesn’t--

Uh

Well, then again

I’m not sure

Anything

Would