The Weight I Lost For You

I think, sometimes

You know

About the weight

About the weight

I lost for you

I--people don’t know, you know?

People don’t know about--

Like, what that’s like

To do that to yourself

And not--

And not that I’m not happy

That I lost the weight

But I--

I have to be frank about the fact that

I didn’t lose that weight for me

I lost it for you

I lost it for someone else

And so now

Whether it’s an accomplishment or not

It’s this thing

That happened

As the result of somebody

For somebody

Because of somebody

Instead of because

You know

It’s something you wanted to do

So I catch, uh

I catch a glimpse of myself

In a mirror

In the bathroom mirror

And I’m impressed with myself

For like

Half a second

Before I think about the fact

That I did this thing

The hardest thing I’ve ever done

And, uh…

And when it was done

You still left

You--

Fuck, I don’t even want to--

I don’t even want to talk about this, but--

You left me

For someone

Who weighs twenty pounds more

Than I weighed

At my heaviest

When you first met me

So--

So why didn’t you say

When I started to lose the weight--

Because I could tell

I could tell

You weren’t happy

--Why didn’t you say--

Hey, don’t bother with that

Don’t bother doing that

Because, uh, it’s not about the weight

It’s got nothing to do with your weight

Why didn’t you say that to me

So I didn’t--

I can’t say I was happy with myself

At that weight, but, uh--

I wasn’t--

It wasn’t this big issue for me

But I saw that you were unhappy

And I thought

I thought

It was about my weight

And I changed my life

I changed everything

To lose the weight

And keep you

And…

And one day I came home

All excited

Because, uh, because I had done a weigh-in

At my sister’s house

And I was at this--

My goal weight

I had hit my goal weight

And I came home

And you were gone

Just…

You’re not supposed to go

From being that happy

To that devastated

All at once, you know?

It’s a shock to the system

It’s, uh, it’s really something awful

I gotta tell you

Your mind…

It doesn’t know what to do

It doesn’t know how to handle

All that happiness

And all that heartbreak

All at once

I just lost it

I just lost it all

Not just you

Not just the weight

But…

So much more

So much more

Than that