And I Wish He Didn't Look Like You

This kid’s got the longest hair

No idea

No idea where he gets it

But it grows so fast

We can’t cut it

Quick enough

No more barbers either

No more trips to the barber

I just do it myself

Because who has that money

Every two weeks to spend

On a barber

Your dad says

Your hair never grew like that

Mine doesn’t either so--

Must be one of those recessive genes

Or something

I joke sometimes

When stuff like that comes up

Stuff about him

That’s not you

And not me

I joke, but--

Then I look at him

And he’s like your little twin

I was thinking--

I was thinking the other night

About how weird it’s going to be

When he gets to be fifteen

Because

Because that’s when I met you

And I was thinking, you know

If he’s still your little spitting image

When he turns fifteen

What’s that going to be like

For me?

I don’t think about back then

I don’t...

Makes me think of you

And my brother

And all the stuff I had

That I don’t have

Anymore

I’m not too bad about--

I’ve been taking these classes

These gratitude classes

Reading books

About

You know

Looking at what you have

And just being happy with that

But it’s hard to do it

If you remember

What you lost

So I try not to think about all that

And just keep my eye on what’s left

And most of that’s the kid

You know?

And I think I’m doing an okay job

He’s a good kid

Doesn’t get into trouble

He’s got a big mouth

Like you

And getting him to take a shower is--

That’s just being a kid, I guess

But I wanted you to know

He’s doing good

And that he’s being, you know

Well-taken care of

I just wish he was better at math

Because I’m trying to help him

With his homework

And I think he’s probably going to fail

Because of me

And, uh--

And I wish he didn’t look

So much like you

Which is terrible

It’s terrible to say

Because this woman in my support group

She’s always talking about how happy she is

That her daughter looks like the dad

Because it’s this nice reminder for her

And, uh, I don’t know

I guess she likes having a reminder

But--

I don’t really

And I don’t mean that

To hurt you, you know

If you can be hurt

Probably where you are

There is no hurt

But I can still hurt here

And I do

I hurt a lot

I look at him

And there you are

Poor kid doesn’t know

Why Mom can’t look at him

Without crying sometimes

And I can’t even tell him

I just say I’m sad

And I don’t say about what

And he doesn’t ask

Kid’s smart

Smart enough
Not to ask