How to Use Your Terminator

To Hannah, Who Would Love Her Own Terminator

(A bedroom.  MOTHER presents a gift to ENID.)

MOTHER:  Happy Birthday, Enid!

ENID:  Mother, what on earth did you get me?

MOTHER:  Open the box!

ENID:  It takes up half the room.

MOTHER:  Well, we sold the car so--

ENID:  What?

MOTHER:  That was a joke.  Just open the present.  It’s not
a sense of humor, but--

(ENID opens the package and reads--)

ENID:  The Terminator?

MOTHER:  Surprise!

ENID:  What...is it?

MOTHER:  It’s a robot--sort of.

ENID:  Like the one that vacuums the floors?

MOTHER:  No, that’s a--That costs one tenth of what this
one costs, Enid.

ENID:  It must be a really good vacuum.

MOTHER:  It’s not a--it’s much more useful than that.

ENID:  Will it do my homework?

MOTHER:  Uh--I don’t--no.  Probably not.

ENID:  Then what does it do?

MOTHER:  It’s, a, uh--killing...machine.

(A beat.)

ENID:  What?

MOTHER:  It’s a security measure.

ENID:  You said ‘killing machine.’

MOTHER:  Right, it secures you by killing anything in your way.

ENID:  In my way?

MOTHER:  Harmful. Something harmful.

ENID:  Do people want to harm me?

MOTHER:  You’re a young woman, Enid.  Every day of
your life is going to be like walking
through a funhouse filled with Rottweilers.

ENID:  Is that why I’m not allowed to leave my room
without a chaperone?

MOTHER:  That and we still haven’t been able to put
that fire out in the hallway.

ENID:  Mother--

MOTHER:  I keep pouring water on it and it only
makes it burn hotter.

ENID:  Mother, are there specific threats against me?

MOTHER:  You mean from the future?

ENID:  The what?

MOTHER:  Enid, threats come when
you least expect them. That’s why it’s handy to
have a terminator--on hand.

ENID:  How could the future be threatening?

MOTHER:  Well, it’s certainly more dangerous than the past.

ENID:  And how is the Terminator going to protect me?
 Is it just going to follow me around and
beat people up?

MOTHER:  Beat people up?  Enid, I didn’t buy you a
bodyguard from Eastern Europe.  This is
an advanced piece of machinery that’s capable of
taking out any perceived threat with a flare
of violence that one could almost describe as eloquent.

ENID:  Meaning?

MOTHER:  It shoots people.  Sometimes there’s stabbing,
but...mostly it just shoots them.

ENID:  Couldn’t it just--disarm them?

MOTHER:  What?

ENID:  If it’s this advanced android or whatever,
why can’t it just, you know, stun the enemy
or something?

MOTHER:  Stun?

ENID:  Yes--neutralize the threat.

MOTHER:  Enid, you’re talking like a crazy person.
 I just bought you an assassin from the future
and you haven’t even said ‘Thank you!’

ENID:  Thank you.

MOTHER:  That’s more like it.  Now, is there anyone
you currently perceive to be a foe?

ENID:  Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm…

(A beat.)

No.

MOTHER:  No?

ENID:  No. Uhhhhhhhh--no.

MOTHER:  But...But I bought you this--

ENID:  Yeah, like, can it do anything else because
I really can’t think of anybody I need murdered.

MOTHER:  Enid, let’s not throw around the word
‘murdered’ like you’re just going to be willy
nilly aiming your new toy on unsuspecting victims.

ENID:  But--

MOTHER:  This is only for protection.

ENID:  But I don’t need protection.  I’m a black belt.

MOTHER:  What?

ENID:  I'm a black belt. I take karate.

MOTHER: Since when? ENID: Since five years ago. Where do you think
Dad takes me every Tuesday?

MOTHER:  To try on dresses at the local department
store and get your toenails shaved.

ENID:  Uh--no.  I chop bricks in half.  I’m kind
of a badass.

MOTHER:  Your father and I really need to start
talking again. I don't even remember his last
name.

ENID:  Hey! Maybe I can protect the Terminator
from ITS enemies.

MOTHER:  That’s ridiculous.  The Terminator
doesn’t have enemies.  It IS the enemy.

ENID:  Well, I don’t want the enemy in my room.

MOTHER:  Fine. He can stay in my room.  
My, he is handsome, isn’t he?

ENID:  Why are you calling it a he?  It’s a robot.

MOTHER:  Don’t be a sexist, dear.

ENID:  I’m--

MOTHER:  Just because you decided to go behind
my back and learn how to defend yourself,
that doesn’t mean I’m going to send the
Terminator back where it came from.  There are no
refunds in the future, Enid.

ENID:  The future sucks.

MOTHER:  It’s starting to look like it might, yes.

ENID:  Maybe the Terminator can just be my friend?
 I don’t have a lot of those.

MOTHER:  It’s not designed for that, Enid.

ENID:  I can re-program it.  I taught myself how to
build an iPhone last week when you made
me stay in bed because I sneezed.

MOTHER:  You sneezed four times in a row.  You’re
lucky I didn’t have you put in the ICU.

ENID:  I can make the Terminator do whatever I want.

MOTHER:  Enid, when someone gives you a gift,
you take it as is.  You don’t try making it into
something else. Don’t you think I want to rip the
sleeves off all the sweaters your father buys me
every Christmas?

ENID:  Why would you do that?

MOTHER:  Because I have nice arms.

ENID:  I guess I can try to make some enemies
and then not use my karate skills to protect
myself against them thereby requiring the
use of the Terminator.

MOTHER:  Now you’re talking like an adult.

ENID:  Are you sure it can’t vacuum my room?  
It gets pretty dirty in here when I’m carving
wooden figurines out of what used to be my bed.

MOTHER:  Enid, you can’t expect the Terminator
to do your chores for you.

ENID:  Okay.

MOTHER:  That’s a good little baby-waby.  
After all, you’re growing up now.  It’s time you learn
how to take care of yourself.  Now set up the
techno-sociopath and figure out who he needs to
pay a visit to first.

ENID:  Again--he?

MOTHER:  Oh, and when you’re done
with all that, send him upstairs to my room.
 I could use a little…assistance.

(A beat.)

ENID:  Ew.

The End