Low Battery

(A hospital room.  MARGOT sits crying while KIT looks at his phone.  POP lays in the hospital bed.)

MARGOT:  They say he...they say he doesn’t have much time left, Kit.

KIT:  (Not looking up.)  Oh wow, that sucks.  Damn.

MARGOT:  It could just be one or two days, but--but they don’t think he’s going to wake up from the coma so...so really it’s like he’s already gone.

KIT:  Oh my god!

MARGOT:  I know, it’s impossible to--

KIT:  My phone.

MARGOT:  What?

KIT:  My phone just went to ten percent.

MARGOT:  I--I’m--what?

KIT:  It was at sixty percent and then--ugh, it keeps doing this.

MARGOT:  Doing--

KIT:  It’ll be like--I have so much battery and then, like--no battery!

MARGOT:  I’m...sorry?

KIT:  This is, like, the worst time for this to happen.

MARGOT:  Oh, don’t worry.  I already called everyone about--

KIT:  No, I mean because I’m in the middle of a fight on Instagram.

MARGOT:  Oh.

KIT:  Somebody posted about them doing a reboot of Ghost Dad, which is highly problematic.

MARGOT:  I--oh.

KIT:  And someone else was like--I love Ghost Dad!  And I was like--Oh my god, I’m going to destroy you.

MARGOT:  Wow, I--

KIT:  But now I’m at ten percent and we’re in the middle of the argument and if I just disappear, it’ll look like I gave up.

MARGOT:  That’s--

KIT:  It’s okay, I brought my charger.

(He pulls the charger out of his messenger bag.)

Is there an outlet in here?

MARGOT:  Um, actually, I was looking for one earlier so I could charge my phone.  I wanted to Google funerals and--

KIT:  Right.  Right.  Right.  Right.  So, um, where’s the outlet?

MARGOT:  There isn’t one.

KIT:  What?

MARGOT:  Yeah, the only one I found was behind the bed.

KIT:  Okay, so…

MARGOT:  We can’t use that one.

KIT:  Why not?

MARGOT:  It’s got the life support machine plugged into it.

KIT:  Okay, but what about the other outlet?  There are always two outlets on an...outlet.

MARGOT:  Kit, Pop is dying.  There are, like, five different machines keeping him alive right now.

KIT:  And you think he needs all five of them?

MARGOT:  Kit!

KIT:  I just need one outlet outlet!  That’s all.

MARGOT:  He’s dying.

KIT:  So is my phone!

MARGOT:  Just go out in the hallway and find an outlet.

KIT:  They don’t have outlets out there!  Why do you think I’m in here?

MARGOT:  To say goodbye to your father!

KIT:  ...Yes, that.  And also, I wanted to be near an electrical source.

MARGOT:  Can’t you just--let your phone die?

(A beat.)

KIT:  Is that a joke, Margot?

MARGOT:  No.

KIT:  Who just...lets their phone die?

MARGOT:  Well, if you-

KIT:  I mean, if you can’t charge your phone and it dies, that’s one thing.  But you can’t just sit idly by and watch your poor phone die when there’s a perfectly good charger sitting right in your messenger bag and an outlet that nobody’s using.

MARGOT:  Pop is using it!

KIT:  You don’t think he can spare ten minutes?

MARGOT:  Kit--

KIT:  Margot, my phone is at four percent.  One more jump and this Ghost Dad loving asshole is walking away with this argument.  I can’t let that happen.

MARGOT:  Well, it looks like you don’t have any other choice, because you can’t just unplug a life support machine.

KIT:  What’s the worst that could happen?

(A beat.)

MARGOT:  He’ll...die.  It’s...life support.

KIT:  You just said he’s pretty much dead anyway.

MARGOT:  What?

KIT:  Just a second ago, you said he was pretty much already dead.

MARGOT:  In terms of his--being awake, yes, but--

KIT:  Come on, Margot, he wouldn’t want to live this way.

MARGOT:  Are you trying the mercy argument just so you can charge your phone?

KIT:  He would want me to charge my phone.

MARGOT:  You can’t just--

KIT:  Pop hated Ghost Dad.  He hated everything Bill Cosby did.  He was way ahead of his time.

MARGOT:  No he wasn’t, he was just kind of racist.

KIT:  Right, all the more reason we shouldn’t be so precious about this.

MARGOT:  You still can’t unplug him!

KIT:  Margot, I know you’re grieving--

MARGOT:  He’s not dead yet!

KIT:  In our hearts, he is.

MARGOT:  What?

KIT:  Sorry, it’s really tricky to use comforting terminology when the person isn’t really dead, and also, I’m distracted by how red the battery bar on my phone is right now.

MARGOT:  You can finish your Insta-feud after Pop dies.

KIT:  Um, I’m probably not going to care about it in a few hours, so I definitely have to finish it now.  An online argument is like a deviled egg.  You really have to live in the moment of it.

MARGOT:  I don’t know what to tell you.  Pulling the plug might constitute murder.

KIT:  Like real murder or like the kind where it’s not your fault because you were defending yourself?

MARGOT:  Like real murder.

KIT:  Fine.  I’ll let my phone die--and my argument--and my dignity.

MARGOT:  Thank you.

KIT:  But as soon as he flatlines, that charger is coming out.

MARGOT:  Sounds reasonable.

KIT:  I don’t even get along with him.

MARGOT:  I know.

KIT:  We fought all the time.

MARGOT:  I know.

KIT:  The last thing he ever said to me was ‘You’re nothing but spite and vanity.’

MARGOT:  He didn’t mean it.

KIT:  You think--

MARGOT:  No, what am I saying, of course he meant it.

KIT:  He sucked.

MARGOT:  You’re right.

KIT:  He’s a terrible person.

MARGOT:  You’re right.

KIT:  Ugh.

MARGOT:  I know.

(A beat.)

KIT:  I can’t wait to put up a status about him when he dies and get all those sympathy likes.

(She looks at him.)

The End