I Don't Make the Rules

Jeremy, the sign says

No going down the slide

Mommy doesn’t know why

Mommy doesn’t make the rules

I don’t make the rules

I don’t make the rules, Jeremy

And sometimes

Like right now

I can’t even explain the rules

Maybe something’s wrong with the slide

Yes, it does look fine

I’ll admit that

It looks like a fine slide

Some might even say

A perfect slide

And I can see why

That would make it extra difficult

To not go down it

But nevertheless

There’s a sign

And the sign has a rule on it

And so we’re going to follow the rules

Because that’s who we are

You are not being raised

By one of those inspirational parents

They make movies about

Unfortunately for you

You are being raised

By someone

Who notices signs

Who notices them

And reads them

And does what they say

I follow the rules

And so you follow the rules

And that means no slide

Now, there is a chance

A very good chance

That while you’re playing on everything

But the slide

Some other child

Raised by someone who doesn’t follow rules

Or read signs

Will let their child go on the slide

Annnnnd nothing will happen

And you’ll look at me

Very confused

Very unsure

Of why your parent

Prevented you from doing something

You would have enjoyed

Telling you there was danger

When there was no danger

And what you have to understand is--

Danger is a crapshoot

And by that I mean

Sometimes things that are dangerous

Don’t end up being dangerous

But when you’re unlucky--

And this is my first time letting you in

On this little secret but--

Everyone in our family

Is profoundly unlucky

--When you’re us the dangerous thing is always dangerous

And that’s why
I can’t let you go down the slide

And that’s why

You might watch

A thousand other children

Go down the slide

With no consequences

But you will not be

One of those children

And I’m sorry for that

But those are the rules

The rule on the sign

The rule of being my child

The rule of the Universe

When you’re unlucky

And being raised

By someone

Who’s afraid of everything

But who is, especially,

Afraid of not following the rules

If I have my way

You are never going to walk

When it says ‘Don’t Walk’

You’re never going to cheat

You’re never going to lie

You’re never going to get in trouble

And that means

You’re going to live forever

Or at least

Forever as far as I’m concerned

And that’s my job

To make sure that happens

Do whatever it takes

To keep the most precious thing

In my life

Safe

That’s my only rule

It’s the only rule
I live by

And sometimes that means

Following rules

That stop the only thing I love

From having fun

Or taking risks

Or being brave

And that sucks

But the rules are the rule

And I don’t make the rules

But I wish I did, kiddo

Believe me--

I wish I did