How Do You Turn This Thing Off?

(A theater.  A WOMAN flags down an USHER.)

WOMAN:  Excuse me?

USHER:  Yes?

WOMAN:  I need help turning off my phone.

USHER:  Oh—

WOMAN:  I just bought it.  I feel so silly.

USHER:  It’s fine.  I’m glad you asked.

WOMAN:  Thank you so much.

USHER:  Better now than during the show, right?

                (She hands the USHER the phone and the USHER turns it off and hands it back to her.)

WOMAN:  Thank you again.

                (The USHER turns to go and notices the WOMAN has turned the phone back on.)

USHER:  Uh, ma’am?

WOMAN:  Yes?

USHER:  I think you just turned it back on.

WOMAN:  No, I’m just making sure it’s off.

USHER:  But what you did actually turns the phone back on.

WOMAN:  Holding down these buttons?

USHER:  Right.  That turns it on.

WOMAN:  So it’s on now?

USHER:  Yes.

WOMAN:  Oh.

                (A beat.)

Can you turn it off for me?

USHER:  Sure.

WOMAN:  New phone.

USHER:  No problem.

                (The USHER turns it off again.)

Enjoy the show.

                (The USHER starts to walk away, but notices the WOMAN turn on the phone again.)

USHER:  Uh, ma’am—

WOMAN:  I’m just making sure the volume is off.

USHER:  But you turned the phone on again.

WOMAN:  No, I’m just lowering the volume.

USHER:  You don’t need to worry about the volume if the phone is off.

WOMAN:  But you just said it was on.

USHER:  Yes, because you…turned it on.

WOMAN:  Oh.

                (A beat.)

Can you turn it off?

USHER:  I—Sure.  But—the show is about to start soon so—

WOMAN:  It’s a new phone.

USHER:  Right.  It’s just—once I turn it off, maybe, uh, if you could…not touch it…again?

WOMAN:  I won’t.  I’m sorry.

                (The USHER turns off the phone.)

USHER:  There you go.

WOMAN:  Is the volume off?

USHER:  Yes, it—yes.

WOMAN:  My nephew tells me to leave it on silent, but what’s the use of a phone if it’s on silent?

USHER:  Well, you can put it on vibrate.

WOMAN:  Vibrate?

USHER:  Yes—that way you can still tell when—

WOMAN:  Oh, I don’t like that.

USHER:  Well—

WOMAN:  I don’t like that at all.

USHER:  Well, it’s not on vibrate, it’s off.  So—you’re all set.

WOMAN:  So what if someone calls me?

USHER:  It’ll go to your voicemail.

WOMAN:  Did I set up my voicemail?

USHER:  I don’t know.  Did you?

WOMAN:  I’m not sure.

                (She goes to turn the phone on.)

USHER:  Ma’am, please, the show is about to start.

WOMAN:  But what if I get a call?

USHER:  Then you’ll see that you have a missed call.

WOMAN:  Where would I see that?

USHER:  On your phone.

WOMAN:  But you said it’s off.

USHER:  But you’ll turn it back on.

WOMAN:  That’s what I was about to do.

USHER:  Don’t do it now, please, do it at intermission.

WOMAN:  But what if I need to take the call?

USHER:  You can’t.

WOMAN:  But what if I have to?

USHER:  Then I suggest you avoid theater at all costs.

                (A beat.)

WOMAN:  You know, when I was younger, we didn’t have to worry about all this.

USHER:  Yes, well—

WOMAN:  We never had to worry about cell phones.

USHER:  That’s—

WOMAN:  Off and on, off and on—

USHER:  But right now—off.

WOMAN:  You know, my friend Louise has a cough.  I should make sure she can get in touch with me if she dies or anything.

USHER:  Is the cough that bad?

WOMAN:  I don’t know.  I haven’t heard it.  I told her to call me around two fifteen and let me listen to it over the phone.

USHER:  But you know the show starts at two?

WOMAN:  Yes.

USHER:  So why did you tell her to call at two fifteen?

WOMAN:  Oh, is it a long show?

USHER:  It’s…longer than fifteen minutes.

WOMAN:  Oh, I didn’t know that.

USHER:  You—

WOMAN:  I’d better use the restroom then.

USHER:  I don’t know if you have time.

WOMAN:  Well, why didn’t you say that to begin with?

USHER:  You didn’t—

WOMAN:  I wonder if I told her to call at two fifteen or two.

USHER:  The show starts at two—

WOMAN:  But I forgot I was going to the show when I left her the message.  At least, I think I left her a message.  I don’t think she has her voicemail set up.

USHER:  Sounds like an epidemic.

WOMAN:  So I’m just supposed to sit here, cut off from the outside world, not able to reach anybody for fifteen whole minutes?

USHER:  Two hours.

WOMAN:  TWO HOURS?

USHER:  That’s about the length of a—

WOMAN:  What if there’s an emergency?

USHER:  I don’t know.  What did you do back when you were younger and you didn’t have to worry about cell phones when there was an emergency and you were out somewhere?

                (A beat.)

WOMAN:  Huh.  I guess we just found out when we got home and it wasn't that big a deal because most of the time when there's an emergency you can't do anything about it right away anyway.

USHER:  Exactly.  Now, is there anything else I can help you with, ma’am?

WOMAN:  No, I think I’m all right.

USHER:  Wonderful.  Enjoy the show.

                (The USHER starts to walk away.  The WOMAN takes out a hard candy.)

Ma’am?

WOMAN:  Yes?

USHER:  What’s that?

WOMAN:  It’s for my throat.  In case I get that cough that’s going around.

USHER:  Are you going to unwrap it now?

WOMAN:  Why would I do that?  I’m not coughing now.

USHER:  I…fine.

WOMAN:  Shouldn’t you be making yourself scarce?  The show’s about to start.

USHER:  Thank you, ma’am.  I almost forgot.

                (The USHER leaves the theater, drives to the ocean, and walks into the water--never looking back.)

The End