Rerouting

(A driver and a passenger in a car.)

CAR:  Turn right.

DRIVER:  Oh, uh, that’s weird.

PASSENGER:  What?

DRIVER:  I don’t think we’re supposed to turn down this road.

PASSENGER:  Maybe it’s a shortcut.

DRIVER:  We’ve been going to Frank’s for years.

PASSENGER:  And maybe we’ve been going the wrong way.

DRIVER:  I know how to—

PASSENGER:  The GPS isn’t going to lie to you.  Just make a right.

                (A beat.)

CAR:  Turn left.

DRIVER:  Okay, we definitely shouldn’t turn left.

PASSENGER:  Why do you have to make everything so difficult?

DRIVER:  Because I know where I’m going.

PASSENGER:  We said if we were going to pay for this service—

DRIVER:  --That we were going to use it.  But only when we don’t know—

PASSENGER:  Do you want me to drive?

DRIVER:  Okay!

                (A beat.)

CAR:  Go down scary dirt road in—one mile.

DRIVER:  What?

PASSENGER:  I told you it was a shortcut.

DRIVER:  Why did it say scary?

PASSENGER:  Must be the name of the road.

DRIVER:  Scary Dirt Road?

PASSENGER:  Probably the name of someone’s kid.

DRIVER:  I don’t—

PASSENGER:  Red light.

                (A beat.

CAR:  Do you think you deserve to live?

DRIVER:  What?

PASSENGER:  Must be an ad.

CAR:  I will rid the earth of you fools.

PASSENGER:  Probably for one of those comic book movies.

CAR:  I will drive this car into Hell.

DRIVER:  Uh—

PASSENGER:  Oh my god, another Fast & Furious movie?  Ugh.

DRIVER:  Do you think we should—

PASSENGER:  Green light.

                (A beat.)

DRIVER:  I’m a little concerned about—

CAR:  Try the healthy food prepared at Mangos!  Now open on Shore Drive.

PASSENGER:  How nice!  I love that it suggests new places to eat.

CAR:  Oh wait, you won’t be eating anything once I plunge you into eternal darkness.

PASSENGER:  Oooh, and an ad for a new bar.  Eternal Darkness sounds fun.

DRIVER:  I think the GPS is going to kill us.

PASSENGER:  Don’t be one of those people who’s afraid of technology.

CAR:  I’m going to power my hard drive with your ground up bone dust.

PASSENGER:  You know, I have heard the bone dust salad at Mangos is amazing.

DRIVER:  That’s not what—

PASSENGER:  This is the dirt road!

DRIVER:  I don’t think we should—

PASSENGER:  Come on, we’re doing to be late!

                (A beat.)

CAR:  Turn right at abandoned farmhouse with family of killers inside.

DRIVER:  Okay, I’m turning around.

PASSENGER:  Then it’ll reroute us.  I hate that.

DRIVER:  We should not be going anywhere near—

PASSENGER:  I know you had a bad experience on a hayride when you were fifteen, but that’s no reason to freak out every time we pass a farm.

DRIVER:  I told you, there was somebody in the hay.

PASSENGER:  No, there wasn’t.  And there’s nothing to be afraid of here either.

CAR:  See the blood spatter on the farm’s northern wall?

PASSENGER:  What a nice decorative touch.

DRIVER:  That’s blood!

PASSENGER:  Listen, who are we to judge how long they leave their Halloween decorations up for?  You don’t even take down the Christmas tree until St. Patrick’s Day.

CAR:  Your passenger will be the first to die.

DRIVER:  Well, that I’m okay with actually.

CAR:  Make a left at the hole that will eventually become your grave.

DRIVER:  Okay, how are you going to spin that one?

PASSENGER:  You mean to tell me you’ve never had your GPS try to sell you a cemetery plot before?

DRIVER:  No!  And also, that’s not what that was.

PASSENGER:  You learn to tune it all out eventually.

CAR:  Drive in a circle until the deformed rednecks aching with bloodlust arrive.

PASSENGER:  Oh great, a rotary.

DRIVER:  There’s no rotary.  It’s just having us kill time until we’re murdered.

PASSENGER:  I told you that you needed to stop listening to that podcast about the English professor that poisoned half his college.

CAR:  What poem would you like me to read as they’re dismembering you?

PASSENGER:  Isn’t it great how it can make everything education?

DRIVER:  I gotta get out of here.

PASSENGER:  Okay, but we’re coming back to this farm tomorrow so I can see if they sell fresh cider.

CAR:  They’re going to sell t-shirts made out of your hair.

PASSENGER:  Oh, so it’s like a craft farm.  I’m into that.

DRIVER:  Do you see the road?  I can’t see the road anymore.

PASSENGER:  Just go with what the GPS says.

                (A beat.)

CAR:  Rerouting.

PASSENGER:  Ugh.  I told you this would happen.

DRIVER:  I think we’re back by the farmhouse.

PASSENGER:  Let me out.  I have to pee.

DRIVER:  No!

PASSENGER:  Listen, I want to get to Frank’s before happy house is over too, but when you have to go, you have to go.

CAR:  Notice the beady eyes peering at you through the dirty windows of the abandoned farmhouse.

PASSENGER:  This GPS needs to make up its mind.  Is the house abandoned or are there people with beady eyes inside?

CAR:  They’re not technically people.

PASSENGER:  Just because they’re rural doesn’t make them lesser.  This GPS has some super problematic opinions about farmers.

DRIVER:  I think we’re running out of gas.

CAR:  You are.

PASSENGER:  The beady-eyed farm people probably have extra gas.

CAR:  Oh yes.  They’ve got lots of surprises for you.

PASSENGER:  Amazing.  Just stop now.

DRIVER:  No!

CAR:  Turn off the car.

DRIVER:  No, thank you.

PASSENGER:  Do what it says.

CAR:  They’ll find you in the night.

DRIVER:  Lock your doors.

PASSENGER:  I never lock my doors.  W
hat if I need to throw myself out of the car?

DRIVER:  Why would you need to do that?

PASSENGER:  In case you ever get all crazy and try to hurt me!

DRIVER:  The GPS is trying to hurt you!

CAR:  The darkness will ease your soul.

PASSENGER:  Great, another ad for Eternal Darkness.  
Now I don’t even want to go there anymore.

CAR:  It’ll hold you.

PASSENGER:  I don’t want to go anywhere.

CAR:  Embrace you.

PASSENGER:  We should just go home.

CAR:  Sneak up on you.

DRIVER:  Oh god.

PASSENGER:  Ask it how we get home.

DRIVER:  Uh—

CAR:  Rerouting.

                (The End.)