If You Could See Me Now

...And the regime is expected to take hold again if American forces…

Oh, look at that

Half past the hour

That means it’s time
For me to remind you, our listeners
That I am, in fact, very attractive

I do this every so often
And by every so often
I mean, every half hour
On the half hour
Because I routinely visit the gym
And have been told by many people
Mostly women--some gay men
A lot of gay men actually
But I was trying to be humble

That I--the voice you’re hearing--

Well, the person that the voice you’re hearing
Belongs to

--I’m very attractive

And so, you can imagine how ironic it is
And also, somewhat unfortunate
That all you can do
Is listen to me
Rather than see me

Believe me
It’s as upsetting to me
As it is to you

I didn’t mean to wind up
A podcast star
But things just sort of
Shook out that way
After I figured out
That being a weatherman wasn’t for me
Due to my greenscreen allergy

If you’d like
You can Google me
Look me up
Find a photo of me online
And stare at it
While you listen to my silky voice
Pour out of your--what?

Headphones?
Car speakers?
Whatever you use
To listen to me
While you’re in your kitchen
Sipping wine
And wishing I was there with you?

Well, I am there with you, Janine
Just like American forces are there in Turkey
Advocating for regime change

That’s what we in the business call--

A segue

That’s me taking you back
Into a serious story
Because I am a serious person
A serious journalist
Despite the lack of a journalism degree
And the stunning good looks
That would make it hard
To take me seriously
If you could see me

Lucky for you
You can’t

And also
Unlucky for you
You can’t

It’s good and bad
Just like the American forces

Just like changing the world
Just like regimes that keep the shelves
Stocked with food
But also kidnap that uncle you don’t like
And drop him in the middle
Of the Indian Ocean

Are you picturing me?

Are you trying to picture me?

Do you think it’s impossible
To picture me
Because I’m so handsome?

Well, you’re right about that

Your imagination
Could never
Do me justice

But I admire your efforts
And for those efforts
I am going to send you
An autographed photo of me
Just like it’s the 1950’s
And I’m your little matinee idol

Strong chin
Solid jaw
Teeth that look like
Mother of pearl

Hair

You can’t even begin
To think about my hair

It’ll rip your soul apart

So instead
Think of regime change

Think of the world
Taking down its visuals
And putting up the voice
Of someone so beautiful
You wouldn’t be able to look at them

Even if
You could