We're Not Eating Mortimer

(A lifeboat.  CHARLES, DOTTIE, and LINDA are sitting in the boat surrounded by nothing but the open sea.  Also in the boat with them is a pig.)

CHARLES:  Okay, so I’ve managed to get a little fire going here using this bucket, some of the debris from the boat, and my glasses.

DOTTIE:  Wonderful.  Now we’ll be warm at least.

CHARLES:  Well, not just—There’s also the matter of the pig.

LINDA:  What about Mortimer?

CHARLES:  Linda, I told you not to name the pig.

LINDA:  But then how would he know when we’re talking to him?

CHARLES:  Linda, we’re going to kill the pig.

LINDA:  Beg your pardon?

DOTTIE:  Charles, Mortimer is sitting right there.

CHARLES:  Ladies, we haven’t eaten in four days.  There is a pig on this boat.  I made a fire.  This lifeboat came with fourteen different knives and a butcher’s block.  I think it’s pretty clear what needs to happen.

LINDA:  We need to pray.

CHARLES:  Linda.

LINDA:  And think.  Think and pray.  Let’s start with praying.

CHARLES:  Linda, we need to kill Mort—the pig.  We need to kill the pig.

DOTTIE:  Charles, Linda and Mortimer have become close friends as a result of this ordeal, and I’m not sure she would do well without him.

CHARLES:  He’s a pig.

DOTTIE:  And I’m a vegetarian, so I don’t really have a dog in this fight, but I’m trying to be sensitive to what everyone is feeling right now.

CHARLES:  I’m feeling hungry.

LINDA:  Pray through it, Charles.

CHARLES:  Why would I pray through it when there’s a perfectly good pig sitting right there?

DOTTIE:  We could always eat something else.

CHARLES:  Like what?  There’s nothing else in the boat.

DOTTIE:  We don’t have to limit ourselves, Charles.  We’ve got a whole world of things to choose from—in our imagination.

CHARLES:  I don’t want to imagine eating.  I want to eat.

LINDA:  What about some nice seawater?

CHARLES:  You can’t eat that.  You can’t even drink it.

DOTTIE:  Charles, your negativity is really affecting the mood of the boat.

CHARLES:  Your insanity is affecting my ability to survive.

LINDA:  Charles, Mortimer is one of us.  We can’t turn on our own.

CHARLES:  He’s a pig.

LINDA:  That’s your opinion.

CHARLES:  No, it’s not.  He’s a pig.

LINDA:  I know you perceive him as a pig, but that doesn’t make him one.

CHARLES:  Have you been sitting in the sun again?  Maybe you need to move into the shadier part of the lifeboat.

DOTTIE:  Charles, you wouldn’t want to eat Mortimer anyway.  Look at him.  He’s huge.  He’s the fattest pig I’ve ever seen.  You mean to tell me you look at that obese animal with meant practically falling off him and you want to consume him?

CHARLES:  Yes!

DOTTIE:  Sorry Linda, all I eat are carrots, so I’m probably not helping Mortimer’s case here.

CHARLES:  Linda, if we don’t eat the pig, we’re all going to die.  Including the pig.  So who does that help?

LINDA:  Fine.  You can eat me.

CHARLES:  What?

DOTTIE:  I guess if she’s offering—

CHARLES:  You just said you wouldn’t eat a pig and now you want to eat Linda?

DOTTIE:  Well, this is an emergency.

CHARLES:  And there’s a pig.

LINDA:  Mortimer can take the first bite.

CHARLES:  We’re not feeding you to the pig.  And if we do, we’re going to eat the pig as soon as we’re done letting him gobble you up.

LINDA:  That would be your choice, but I would find it heartless after my heroic sacrifice.

DOTTIE:  Linda, I’ll miss you.

CHARLES:  We’re not killing Linda.

DOTTIE:  It’s not murder, Charles, it’s survival.

CHARLES:  So let’s murder the pig.

DOTTIE:  But that’s not necessary now that Linda is—

CHARLES:  LINDA IS A PERSON!  MORTIMER IS A PIG!

LINDA:  Mortimer has so much more to offer the world than I do, Charles.

CHARLES:  Like what?  A loin?  A chop?

LINDA:  He’s an artist.

CHARLES:  You’re joking.

LINDA:  I mean, I’ve never seen any of his art, but he has the soul of an artist.

DOTTIE:  I see that.

CHARLES:  No, you don’t.  You don’t see anything.  Except hallucinations which is probably why you’re both talking this way.

DOTTIE:  I’ve made a decision.

CHARLES:  Oh god.

DOTTIE:  I will also sacrifice myself.

CHARLES:  Why?

DOTTIE:  So Linda can live.

LINDA:  Oh Dottie—

CHARLES:  Linda can live anyway.  It’s Mortimer who can’t live.

DOTTIE:  Charles, please don’t hijack my body like that.

CHARLES:  I’m not—

LINDA:  You’re not god.  You don’t get to say who lives and who dies.

CHARLES:  But—

DOTTIE:  She’s right, Charles.

LINDA:  Every person or pig on this boat has a right to say how they want to get through this without you judging them for it.

CHARLES:  It’s not like Mortimer can vote.

LINDA:  I’m his proxy.

CHARLES:  How do you know that?

LINDA:  I’m sitting next to him.

CHARLES:  So am I.

LINDA:  To the left of him, Charles.  I would hardly consider your position one that would dictate any sort of close bond.

CHARLES:  So you want to be eaten and Dottie wants to be eaten, but neither one of you thinks Mortimer would want to be eaten?

LINDA:  He doesn’t seem thrilled about the idea.

CHARLES:  He’s asleep.

LINDA:  As his proxy—

CHARLES:  No.

DOTTIE:  Look Charles, you have two perfectly good women to eat.  Why do you insist on going after an innocent pig in the middle of a lifeboat?

CHARLES:  Because choosing between a pig and cannibalism seems like an easy choice to me.

LINDA:  Look at him throwing around toxic terminology like ‘cannibalism.’

CHARLES:  It’s the appropriate word.

LINDA:  Oh, so now you’re the barometer for what’s appropriate?  That’s a laugh.  You won’t even let us drink seawater.

CHARLES:  You—

DOTTIE:  Linda, I have a new idea.

LINDA:  Do you?

CHARLES:  What—

DOTTIE:  Charles, I’d like to share an idea with Linda in private.

CHARLES:  Okay, but…

DOTTIE:  Could you excuse us?

CHARLES:  I honestly can’t.

LINDA:  It’s okay, Dottie, I know what you’re thinking.

CHARLES:  Wait—

DOTTIE:  And Mortimer?

CHARLES:  Wait wait—

LINDA:  He knows too.

CHARLES:  You can’t—

DOTTIE:  And?

CHARLES:  You’re not—

LINDA:  He’s onboard.  So to speak.

DOTTIE:  Wonderful.

     (A beat.)

CHARLES:  Are you going to eat me?

DOTTIE:  Charles, in times like these—

CHARLES:  I should have just eaten Linda when I had the chance.

                (The End.)