I'm Sure I'll Like Whoever It Is You Turn Out to Be

I take you to have and to hold

And to love forever

And I’m sure I’ll like

Whoever it is

You turn out to be

I’m sure if you end up

Becoming a jerk

I’ll love the jerk you are

You’re nice now

And you’re going to change

But there are so many versions of ‘nice’

That maybe you’ll just turn into

Another version of ‘nice’

That I like just as much

As I like the nice you you are now

But that’s probably not likely

What’s likely is that you turn into someone who is not nice

And when that happens

I will continue to love you

Because here we are

Here we are

Standing in front of all these people

Saying ‘Yes’ and ‘I do’ and ‘Sickness’

Did you hear the ‘Sickness’ part?

I did

Did it scare you?

It scared me

I could love Jerk You

But I don’t know if I could love Sick You

I mean, I would love Sick You

But would I have to take care of Sick You?

Can Rich You

Hire someone

To take care of Sick You

Or is that my job

Even if you’re still Rich You

When you become Sick You?

Oh my gosh, imagine if Sick You

Also ends up being Poor You?

That would be awful

Imagine being Sick You AND Poor You?

And what if it’s Sick You, Poor You, and Jerk You?

I have to love all that?

That’s a lot

That’s a lot for me

I mean, I’m standing here right now

And I’m not sure I could sign on for all that

Could you sign on

Or up

Or agree

To only be TWO of those three things?

Or one?

Could you do one?

One would be great

I could live

With any one of those things

Just not three

And probably not two

And definitely not six

What else was in those vows?

I was only half-listening

Did they say anything about skin conditions?

Or impulse control?

Or ugly cars?

Or refusals to clean the space

Between the fridge and the oven?

I need to think a little more about this

But I guess I can do that

Once we’re done here

Because I am STARVING

And we spent all that money

On scallops wrapped in bacon

So I think we should finish this

Do the scallop thing

Get in the limo

And then hash out

What it is

We’re actually getting ourselves into here

And yes--

Yes

We should have done that earlier

But honestly

Planning this whole thing

Took up so much time

I don’t know how anybody expected us

To focus on anything else

But it’s really not a big deal

Because I love you

And you love me

And that’s the story for right now

And as for, like, the future

Like--next week, or whatever

We’ll be fine

We’ll be

Fine

Because I’m sure

I’ll love

Whoever

You end up being

As long

As that person

Is only one

Awful

Thing