An Existential Crisis at an Existential Diner

The salt and pepper shakers
Are strictly hypothetical

I can get you tangible ones
But you'll find that if you just think about shaking
The salt or pepper
Over the food
You'll have the same experience
You'd have if you used the real things

Such is the wonder of spices

The chef is your father
The father you never met
And the waitresses are all your sisters
Or rather, all the women your sister could have been

One of them quits everyday
And comes back again
Just to quit one more time

And she's the best server we have

A man you love
That you haven't even met yet
Broke your heart
And you come to an existential diner
To have your crisis

But is it a crisis?
Is this a diner?
Do you really have five hands
And a mermaid's tale?

Who's to say?

I'm not going to try
And twist the air around
To make it look like comfort

I can serve you chicken soup balloon animals
Or fish and chip cupcakes
Or a small banjo player
With a little hat
That'll just warm your heart

But comfort is a fleeting thing

Because as soon as you feel good
You'll drop a quarter in the gumball machine by the door
And a song will start to play
That will remind you
Of the man you never met

And you'll go right back to feeling bad
And right back to this table
Where I'll explain about the salt and pepper shakers

And you know
For a diner that's all in your head
I don't see why you couldn't give us waitresses a nicer uniform

Is it because when your sister got married
She made you wear that bridesmaid dress
That looked like orange sherbet?

Why don't you have some pie?

We make pie every night at midnight
And midnight happens twice an hour
So we have lots of pie

Or maybe you'll get past your eyes
This time when you try to leave
And find yourself somewhere
Where the food is made up of solids
And the counter tops are cleaner

If you want my opinion
That's where you need to be

But an opinion is like anything else

It's only good if you do something with it

Now, what'll you have?