Nobody's Saying It's Not a Pothole

Ma'am, nobody is saying it's not a pothole

Clearly, it was a pothole

The question is--

Well, yes, we can fix your car
But it will take some time
Because there is paperwork

There is paperwork involved, ma'am
And I--

Yes

No

Yes

No, ma'am

I am not trying to sound like a bitch
I suppose I could sound like a bitch
But as to whether or not that's my intent
I'd have to say 'No' it's not

How can the city not do anything about a pothole that size?

Funny you should ask that, ma'am

You see, we have done things about potholes
But potholes, like the mail and holidays and weather
Seem to keep occurring

And occasionally, we fail to correct these issues
In what some may consider to be
A timely manner

As in, sometimes a dumbass drives over a pothole
The size of her car
Before we have a chance
To fix the pothole

No, ma'am, I was not saying that you are that dumbass
I was just stating a hypothetical situation

Ma'am, have you ever tried coming up with a budget
For fixing all the potholes that may or may not occur in a year?

It's a little bit like trying to guess how much its going to snow in a year
And because global warming has turning predicting the weather in New England
Into one giant game of Texas Hold'em
Coming up with a pothole budget
Can be a little bit difficult

And yet somebody still has to do it
And the budget can't be that high
Or people get irritated

So sometimes we just run out of money
And certain potholes have to remain where they are

And yes, we realize they're dangerous
And yes, we realize they're a nuisance
And yes, if they're the size of a mattress and you're talking on your cell phone and somehow miss the giant hole in the road, then it's probably your fault anyway

Again, hypothetically speaking, ma'am

So yes, we will fix your car
Yes, we will accept blame
For the pothole
Which is technically what happens
When man meets nature
And nature kicks man's ass

We will, essentially, apologize
For getting our asses kicked

We will apologize
For not having somebody drive around with tar
And a truck
Ready to fix whatever problems might occur on the roads
As soon as they appear

We will apologize for all of this, ma'am
And by 'we' I mean 'me'
I am apologizing to you

I'm sorry

Nobody's saying it's not a pothole
That you hit, ma'am

Nobody

Sorry

But let me add this

The next time you hit a pothole
Because you're putting on make-up
Or changing the radio station
Or trying to explain to your four-year-old over the phone
How to DVR something
While you're driving

Not only will we not fix your car, ma'am
But I personally will take a golf club
To whatever's left of it

Do we understand each other?

Excellent

You have a great day