Robert Reads the Mail

Jen, look at this!

He gets lizard magazines

Whole magazines dedicated to lizards

Like, for people who like lizards, I guess

Maybe has a bearded dragon or something?

That's a lizard, Jen

I was not being crass
A bearded dragon
Is a lizard

Ohhh, he only paid the minimum on that credit card
That's not smart
Not a good idea

You should always pay more than the minimum
Otherwise the interest kills you

I'd tell him that
But I don't know where he moved to

How does he know to pay his bills
If we're the ones getting his bills?

He must do it all online

Isn't the point of being able to do stuff online
That it saves paper?

Instead they send you paper
To confirm
That you did stuff online

Another lizard magazine

Isn't one lizard magazine enough?

Does the second lizard magazine offer something
That the first lizard magazine doesn't?

Can you believe that in this economy
Two magazines about lizards
Can both survive?

It's like I say, Jen
People have money
For what they want to have money for

That's always been my theory

Ohhh, another letter from Lisa

Jen, this is not your typical invasion of privacy
This guy, Lou, is not getting any of this mail
And since Lisa went to all the trouble
Of writing these letters
Somebody might as well read them

There's nothing dirty in them
She just keeps sending him
Lists of what she does everyday

She doesn't even ask
Why he's not returning her letters

No wonder he didn't give her his forwarding address
The woman sounds like a total bore

Listen to this one--

Hello Lou,


Today I got up.  I made the bed.  I ate breakfast.  I went to work.  I came home.  I watched some television.  I went to bed.


Hope you're well,
Lisa

People don't know how to correspond anymore, Jen
It's a dying art

Just for fun, I've started rewriting these letters

You know, spicing them up a little bit

That way, in case we ever get a forwarding address for Lou
We won't have to send along these boring letters
We can send along some juicy stuff

Jen, I'm doing Lisa a favor
She's never going to attract Lou
Talking like this

Lou is an interesting guy
A rebel of sorts

He has lizards
He just pays the minimum
He lives on the edge!

Remember when we took that Creative Writing class in college
And you used to try writing that romance fiction
That the teacher hated?

Remember how I used to take those stories
And punch them up for you
So they'd sound more believable?

I was always better at writing that stuff
Than you were

That's what I'm doing for Lisa here
I'm kind of like her Cyrano de What's-His-Face
With the nose

Hey, where have you been keeping all the letters
After I give them to you?

No, no, no
Don't go looking for them now
It's not like I need them
I was just curious

You know, it seems crazy
That a guy this wacky
Would even have a girl writing to him

Seems strange that we didn't start getting any of these letters
Until after the first few bills started coming in

Maybe she decided to take advantage of the fact
That somebody who could actually write love letters
Was getting the mail now

That, babe, is called--destiny

I recognize that
Because of my romantic--

You going to the post office again?

Geez, it's like you're there everyday

You're sending out more mail
Than this Lisa woman

You still plan on going to your mother's next week?

Nah, don't worry
I'll be fine on my own

You're the one who has trouble being alone

Me, I'll be just fine

And hey, if I need something to read
I got all these lizard magazines