Sanctuary

The man's in my office

I don't know his name
I didn't ask
Truthfully, I didn't want to know

I knew he had done something
I knew it was wrong
I knew it was very wrong
And I didn't want to know

He wanted to tell me
He wanted to confess to it
And I denied him
I denied him his sacred right

I am a priest
And I denied this man's chance
At penance

Because I didn't want to know
Because I looked at him
And I knew I shouldn't know

. . . . .

His eyes were half-closed
Like he was asleep
And I got him into the church
Just before I heard the sirens

They went rushing past the door
And a trace of blue light
Got into the room
And over the man's face

He looked like he was drowning
And it scared me

Men of God are not supposed to be frightened by earthly things
But this man's face terrified me
Because it was covered

It was covered by dirty tears
Tears aren't supposed to look that way
They were staining this man's face
Permanently staining the spots where they fell
And I could tell they hurt him
They burned their way down his cheeks

He asked me not to let him back outside
That's the word he used--'let'

'Please, don't let me back outside'

As if he would go on his own
As if I might have to stop him from doing so
And I said 'Yes'
I said 'Yes, you'll stay here'

I didn't ask him to
I didn't offer
I told him he would stay

I brought the Devil into the house of God
And I told him to stay

. . . . .

I've been a priest for most of my life
I've heard every confession you can think of
I've heard every betrayal
I've heard every deception
I've heard everything

That's the only way to say it
Everything, everything
Everything

Have I been shaken?
Yes, very badly

Sometimes I would hear things
And I'd have to grasp my knees
To keep from falling down onto myself
And screaming out damning prayers
At the person on the other side of my little wall

A slot, that's all they give you
That's supposed to be the difference
Between the good and the bad

A little wall
Through which you can see shades
Of the person whose sins you're absolving

Maybe that's why I let the man
Maybe too much of that sin
Has seeped through my little wall
Over these long years

. . . . .

When I heard about the girl
I knew it was him

My secretary was discussing it
With a volunteer at the church
And I only had to catch a few words
Before I knew that it was him

He had done the things they were describing

Rape, I heard
A hard word to miss
And stab, I remember stab
And river

That was the last word that I heard
Something about the river

And I knew where he was
He was still laying in bed
In the spare room two doors down from mine
In the rectory

I slept two doors down
From a man who done this

Who had these words on him

Stab
Rape
River

And do you know what my first thought was?

Not, Why didn't I shut the door on him
I knew why I didn't do that
That's not done
It's never done
You don't do that

You do NOT shut the door
On a man lying on your doorstep
On the front step of a church

You let him in
That's what you do

And I didn't think, Why didn't I give him confession?
Why didn't I ask if he needed it?
I knew that he needed it

Why didn't I wipe those tears from his face
And send him back out to those sirens
Let the blue lights surround him
And take him wherever they needed to

I'd have done my duty to God

I'd have sent him on his way
With as clean a soul as he'd have
Cleaner than anyone else could give him

But I didn't think any of that

All I could think was--

What did he dream about last night?

. . . . .

They came the next day
The man hadn't left the spare room
And I hadn't gone to him
Because every time I tried
I felt myself pulled away from his room

The pull was so strong
It felt like the Lord tugging at me
Begging me to retreat
To go back until I had the strength
To face what was in that room

I woke up the next morning
I went about my day
I maintained my composure
And I prayed

I prayed for strength
And I...

I'm not proud of this

I questioned
I questioned God
I questioned the unquestionable

I wanted to know
Why he had sent this man to me

And then they came...

. . . . .

They asked if I had seen him
They knew he had been in the area
And there were limited places he could hide
Apparently he was considered unwell
Even before...

They knew he hadn't gotten far
Sounds like a detective story, doesn't it?
I certainly felt like that's what I was in
A mystery

But their mystery and mine was not the same
They were looking for the man
The man wasn't my mystery
I knew where he was
I knew what he was
I knew all about that mystery

My mystery was why
It rested in the why
It laid there while I looked at it
And screamed at it in my mind

Why
Why
Why

I questioned again and again
And when I felt anger at myself
For doing so
I fought back the anger
And l let another anger
A deeper anger
A rage
Come over me
And over everything about me

I burned up my faith
Like a piece of paper
In a brush fire

And these two men
They stood there questioning me
And I stood there
Letting myself rise up
Past the cracking paint
On the walls of the church
And up into the rain clouds
That were forming again

And I questioned myself
And they questioned me
And I asked why

Why was this happening to me?

And that was when my secretary came and got me

The man was sitting in my office
He was waiting for me

. . . . .

The two men left an hour ago
They believed me
When I told them
There was no man here

I didn't lie

I would have
Don't let me get away
With telling you that I wouldn't have lied

I would have strangled them both
On the altar of God in this church
If it would have gotten them out of here

But I didn't have to
I didn't have to lie
Because they believed me

Because it wasn't a lie

The man they're looking for isn't here
I really don't think they know who it is
They're really looking for

But I know

I know all the things
I didn't want to know

And he's waiting
He's waiting for me
Waiting for me to come
And tell him his fate

What exactly is the fate of the Devil?

We're never told that
We're never told if God has an ending
We're never told what God waits for

And what we don't know about good
We can't know about evil
And so what we don't know about God
The Devil...

Is he waiting for us
Are they both waiting for us
To decide for ourselves?

Maybe if I knew that
I'd know what to tell the man
Waiting for me

. . . . .

If he asks me for sanctuary
I don't know what I'll say

I have to say 'Yes'
If I say anything
But what if I don't?

What if I just stand there
And step aside
And let him invade my sanctity
With his stained tears?

With those words

When he stood near me that night
I swear what I smelled on him was that girl
I swear I could smell her
And the river

Lord, I could smell the river

It lifted up inside my nostrils
And crawled behind my eyes
And drove me crazy
With visions

Visions of what this was before me

I know you must be furious at me
For not giving him redemption
But you made me
You know what I am made of
And you sent that man to me
Knowing I don't have arms long enough
To reach down into that mire
And pull that man out of it
Without falling into myself

You knew saving him
Would kill me

Is that what you wanted?
Did you want me to sacrifice my life
To save the Devil?

How would that not be a waste?
Can you tell me?

TELL ME!

. . . . .

Haven't I been a good man?
Haven't I been humbled?
Haven't I lived a life to make you proud of me?

And you send that man
Into this place

This place that I made for you
A place where you could come to those
Who have lost their way

Not a place for those
Who take innocence
And stab holes into it
And defile it
And throw it into cold, muddy water

Can you tell me that you wanted that
In your house?

I'd tear down these walls first
I'd smash the glass with my fists
I'd strip the paint with my broken fingernails

Because wouldn't that be the test?
Is that what this is about?
Are you trying to see
If I hate evil
More than I love you?

Have I spent too much of my life loving
And not enough of it chasing
Going after those things
Those men
Who bring pain into this world

Is that why you sent him to me?

. . . . .

I will not take his confession
I will not clean his soul
I will not lighten the burden
He has placed upon himself

I will not banish him from this house
Because it is not my house
It is not my place
To banish him from

I will merely move about him
The way I would move about
A quiet tiger

And should he choose to take me
Should he choose to eat me alive
I can only hope you give me the sanctuary
That I am giving to him

This is my confession

May these tears you see me crying
Not stain my face forever