The Responsibility of Hope

-- Second monologue title I took from "The Book of Dahlia" --

"The Responsibility of Hope"

You give up?

Well, isn't that convenient
Isn't that just wonderful
How liberating it must be
To give up

You don't feel like fighting?
Fine, don't fight
I imagine it's been a lonely battle
What with the rest of us sipping mixed drinks
While you were in pain and hurting

I suppose seeing your brother
Who you love more than anything on this earth
Slowly wasting away
Being taken from you
Suffering with every breath
I suppose seeing that is easy
I suppose that's what you think

No, don't tell me you're in pain
I'm well-aware that you're in pain
I watch you in pain every day

I pick you up
I take you to the hospital
I sit there and watch you
I watch you in pain
And I do nothing
Because nothing's all I can do

I let you squeeze my hand
And it doesn't help
I read to you
And it doesn't help
I get you stale croissants from the cafeteria
And it doesn't help

And you remind me
And remind me
And remind me

That nothing helps

I'm constantly reminded
That I'm worthless
And you're sick
And because you're sick
You're allowed to call me worthless

Well fuck you

Being sick is not a get out of jail free card, Robert

You do not get to turn into an asshole
Because you are sick

Yes, you're hurting
We're all hurting
All of us who love you
Are hurting

Don't tell me it's selfish to say that
It's true

I know you'd love to suffer alone
I know it would just complete the tragedy
If you were by yourself in all this
But you're not
You're just not

You are sick
And you're not getting better
And nobody knows what to do

But all you do is give up
You give up every day
You have made surrendering an occupation
You gave up before you even gave beating this a shot

And that pisses me off

Because all you have to do is give up
All you have to do is say 'I give up'
Do you know what I have to do?

I have to hope

That's my job
That's up to me

Mom cries
Dad cries
You bitch
And I hope

That's on me
That's my responsibility
And let me tell you, Robert
It downright sucks

And I have no choice in it
I have to hope
Because not hoping means accepting
It means accepting surrender
Which is what you're doing
Which I can't do

Because whereas you may be fine with losing
Losing you is not an option for me

Every day I get up
And I have to find reasons
Not to cry

In the face of rivers of tears
Gallons and buckets
And canyons of tears
I have to prevent myself from crying

That's my job

Every day I pick you up
And I have to smile
And I have to look nice
And I have to be stable
So you have someone to fall back on
If you need to

That's my job

Every day I listen to someone tell me
That you're going to die
That my little brother is going to cease living
That this awful thing has beaten you
And I have to say 'No'
I have say 'That can't be'
And not only that
I have to believe it
When every rational brain cell in my body
Is telling me that it's stupid to do so

That's my job

Your only responsibility is to fight this thing
My responsibility is to hope
We all have jobs to do
So you're going to do your job
Just like I'm doing mine

And if that's selfish, it's selfish
I'm not going to tell you to let go
I'm not going to tell you it's all right
I'm not going to watch you slip away
Because I'm sorry, Robert

But that's not my job