The Villain Gets a Pet

So there I am
Strolling through the mall
Looking for a store
That sells swivel chair oil
When what should I see

A pet store

And what is in the back corner
The back, dark, mostly-hidden-from-view corner
Of that little pet store?

A sickly, deformed koala bear

It was love at first sight

At first they didn't want to let me have him
He was part of an Australia display
And apparently they forgot to send him back
So they just made him part of other displays
And when there wasn't one
He was relegated to the back corner

The poor little guy had been painted white and black
For the zebra display
He had feather stuck on his fur
For the ostrich display
He had his paw nails painted
For the Pets in Drag display

So I adopted him
Once I stunned everyone in the store
With my Almost-Death Ray

The little guy loved that
He loves pink things
And the Almost-Death Ray is pink
Because God hates me

Much like he hates little John Tesh
My new pet

We do everything together
We sit and be surly together
We watch Reservoir Dogs together
We eat bamboo together

(Finally, someone who enjoys tree bark as much as I do)

Just last week we took over New Guinea together
Only to find that there are no guinea pigs
And the word 'new' is a GROSS exaggeration

At last, I have someone who understands me
Much like a child
But one that claw the face off a secret agent
If you train him right

Do you want to pet him?

Hahaha
Just kidding

He'd eat your nose
I've seen him do it
Not to a human, though
Just a simulated human
That I made out of baloney

But one day...

He's going to make Daddy proud