The Priest at the Funeral

Dearly beloved--

Wait, is that how you do

A wedding?

Is it the same

For a funeral?

I’m all mixed up today

The traffic

Getting to this church

Were any of you

Caught in that traffic?

WHERE IS EVERYBODY GOING?

You would think
Elvis was playing somewhere

And he’s not

‘Cause he’s dead

Can you imagine

What that funeral

Must have been like?

I hope it wasn’t

Anybody’s first

This--this is my first funeral

But I’m very excited

To be here

Not excited

Devastated

It’s always devastating

When you lose a man

Or woman

Like whoever is dead today

I was going to get here early

And look at my notes

But then I hit traffic

And the family insisted

On a closed casket

So now I can’t even

Get a good look

At the corpse

To see what I’m working with

Were they handsome?
Were they a handsome--

You can call a woman handsome

Did you know that?

We used to call my Aunt Lois handsome

We used to call her ‘friend’ Louise

Handsome too

They were my favorite aunts

Lois and Louise

They made the best quiche

You ever had in your life

So you know what?

They’re probably in Heaven

YOU HEARD ME

You think they don’t let

Handsome women into Heaven?

How dare you

How DARE you

God loves us all

Except people

Who stop in traffic

Just to rubberneck

At somebody with a flat tire

In the breakdown lane

GOD HAS NO USE FOR THEM

Hopefully this dead person

Never did anything like that

But I bet they didn’t

Because there are a lot of you

Here today

And I don’t think

That many people would show up

To mourn a rubbernecker

I see you’re all very upset

And that’s normal

That’s natural

When my Aunt Lois died

I was bereft

They wanted me

To get up

And speak at the funeral

Because I was the only one

In my family

Without a thick German accent

Nobody wants to hear a eulogy

With a German lilt

I can tell you that

Sounds like you’re demanding

A wiener dog

To stop humping

The sausage peddler

But I got up

And I spoke from the heart

And that seemed

To make everybody
Feel better

And that’s why I’m here today

To be a comfort

To you all

On this

A terrible day

For how could a day

With traffic

Like the kind

I just experienced

Be called a good day?

Only the Lord knows

Only the Lord