We Support Italian Food

     (CINDY is eating at a restaurant.  The WAITER approaches.)

WAITER:  Hi, welcome to Viva Italia!

CINDY:  Hi.

WAITER:  Hi!

CINDY:  I have a question about your menu.

WAITER:  It used to be blue.

CINDY:  What?

WAITER:  I don't like the new color either, but keep that between you and me.

CINDY:  No, uh, I mean--I think maybe I have the wrong one.

WAITER:  The wrong what?

CINDY:  Menu.

WAITER:  Why do you say that?

CINDY:  There's no Italian food on it.

WAITER:  Oh!  Yes.  We don't serve Italian food here.

     (A beat.)

CINDY:  What?

WAITER:  We have a lovely assortment of French dishes for you to choose from, and they're all mostly edible.

CINDY:  But...why don't you serve Italian?

WAITER:  We just don't.

CINDY:  But...you're called Viva Italia.

WAITER:  I know.

CINDY:  You have the Italian flag on your menu.

WAITER:  I know.

CINDY:  You're wearing a gondolier costume.

WAITER:  Si.

CINDY:  You just said 'Si.'

WAITER:  We love Italian culture here.  And Italian people.  And Italian food.  We just don't cook it or serve it.

CINDY:  Then why do you have plastered everywhere?

WAITER:  Because people love Italian restaurants.  Especially in this part of town.  French?  Not so much.

CINDY:  So you're committing false advertising.

WAITER:  Nooooo, it doesn't say anywhere that we serve Italian food.

CINDY:  It implies it.

WAITER:  But it doesn't say it.

CINDY:  But it basically does.

WAITER:  But the 'basically' is why it's not false advertising.  Advertising is all about insinuating something can do something that it can't do.  If anything, this is advertising at its most authentic.

CINDY:  Can't you just make me spaghetti?

WAITER:  No.

CINDY:  Aren't you worried that people like me will get upset?

WAITER:  Well, yes, but also--you're here.  And...you're hungry.  So...chances are, once you're done being upset, you're still going to order something.

CINDY:  I might not.

WAITER:  I mean, if you really want Italian food, you can go to Mangia next door, but I bet there's a wait.

CINDY:  But--

WAITER:  There's always a wait.

CINDY:  What you're doing is unethical!

WAITER:  First it was false advertising, and now it's unethical.

CINDY:  It's both!

WAITER:  You can't expect ethics in business.

CINDY:  You're a fraud!

WAITER:  How?  We love the Italian language.  We love the Italian flag.  We love the Italian chef we have cooking in the back.

CINDY:  You have an Italian chef back there and you're not letting him cook Italian food?

WAITER:  First of all, it's a she.

CINDY:  I--

WAITER:  You know soooo much about Italians, and yet you don't seem to understand that women can cook spaghetti as well as men can.

CINDY:  Can she make me some spaghetti?

WAITER:  Absolutely not.

CINDY:  This is outrageous.

WAITER:  If you think that's outrageous, wait until you see our prices.

CINDY:  Is that a joke?

WAITER:  If you think that's a joke, wait until you see our prices.

CINDY:  What is wrong with you?

WAITER:  Wassawrong with me?  Wassawrong with you?

CINDY:  Are you doing a bad Italian accent?

WAITER:  No, I'm doing a stereotypical Italian accent.

CINDY:  Do you have a manager?

WAITER:  They don't have managers in Italy.

CINDY:  We're not in Italy.

WAITER:  But we like to do things here the way they do in Italy.

CINDY:  They serve Italian food in Italy.

WAITER:  Not in the French restaurants in Italy.

CINDY:  Fine.  I give up.  Fine.  Bring me the escargot.

WAITER:  Excellent choice.  Will you want Parmesan cheese on that?

CINDY:  Please go away.

WAITER:  Yes, ma'am.

     (Calling out to the kitchen.)

BELLA BIANCA!  UN PIATTO DI ESCARGOT PER FAVORE!

CINDY:  God, I hate Italy.

End of Play