Dancing with Boys

I was just standing there, you know?

Minding my own business

And he walked up to me

I was standing there with this girl

My friend

And, uh

I mean, I knew he was

I’d seen him around

Nice-looking guy

Dresses nice

Smiles, you know, charming, I guess

I don’t know

I’d never actually been introduced to him

He walked up to me

And was like

‘Hey’

So I said ‘Hey’

And the girl next to me

My friend

She’s looking at both of us

Like, ‘What is this?

Because, like, just in general

When do guys ever talk to guys at bars, you know?

It’s like, if a guy walks up to you at a bar

He’s either going to punch you

Or tell you that you’re related

Or ask if you know Mickey, or something

But not just, like, Hi, let me introduce myself

I mean, when does that happen?

So the girl—who wasn’t my girlfriend, by the way

But was just a friend, but still—I mean, this guy didn’t know that

He didn’t know—she could have been my wife

How would he have known?

But, uh, well—looking back

I get the sneaking suspicion that he, uh…

Huh…that he didn’t care?

Anyway, he, uh, said Hey—I mentioned that

And then he said—very clearly, uh—

Do you want to dance?

Now, we weren’t at a gay bar

We definitely weren’t

I mean, it wasn’t a country and western saloon either

But it wasn’t a gay bar

And I said that to him

And he was like ‘So?’

And I looked at my girl, um, my friend

And she looked at me to be like—

Hey, you’re on your own with this one

But she was kind of laughing to herself

Because, like, this wasn’t me being hit on

By some creepy old guy or something

This guy was young, and—yeah, I mean, yeah, he was nice-looking

I mean, honestly, yeah, he was an attractive guy

But I’m not gay

And I feel bad saying that

I don’t know why

But I do

But I said it to him

Because, you know, I wasn’t going to dance with him

And I, uh, didn’t want him to, you know, feel bad about it

So I said, you know, ‘I’m not gay’

And he said, ‘Neither am I’

And now my friend is just dying

Like, she’s not out-loud laughing

But I can tell, she’s ready to lose it

Because this is—

Like what is this?

So I say ‘Well, if you’re not gay and I’m not gay and this isn’t a gay bar then—‘

But he cuts me off and says ‘I just want to dance.  Is that okay?’

And he says it in this sort of challenging way like—

What’s the big deal?

Like—why can’t boys dance together?

And I mean, yeah, girls dance together sometimes

There was, like, a whole J.C. from N’Sync song about it

But, like, boys don’t dance together

That’s just not something boys do

I don’t know why

I didn’t make the rules

Maybe it’s because most guys can’t dance anyway

And you sort of need the girl

To make dancing look good

So two guys dancing together is—

I don’t know

But while I was trying to think of a reason

He held out his hand

And he sort of half-smiled

And said—

‘Just one dance, dude’

And I think it was the ‘Dude’ that did it

Because, and I know this sounds stupid, or homo—

It sounds whatever

But—if I thought this guy was actually straight

I probably would have just said, ‘Sure, let’s dance’

Because it would have been goofy and funny

And something my friends and I might have done

And, you know, sometimes you play around like that

With your guy friends

You, like, grab each other’s asses in the locker room

Or you snap towels—

I mean, I don’t do any of this

But that’s just because I make it a point never to go to the gym

Or ever be naked with other men

If I can help it

But I know some guys do that

And so if I knew this guy

And I knew for a fact that he was straight

I might have just been like—

Sure, why not?

But I didn’t know him

And I didn’t know if he was gay or not

But then he said ‘Dude’ and from the way he said ‘Dude’

I kind of thought—Okay, he might not be gay

And before I could really think about it anymore than that

I was walking with him to the dance floor

And my friend back at the bar was staring at me

Like—half-surprised and half –sort-of-amused

By the whole thing

And I tried to look back at her like—

Yeah, well—YOLO?

I don’t know

I don’t fucking know

Jesus, I just said YOLO

Who the fuck am I?

This really—I mean, this was one moment, okay?

Like, one moment in, you know, time

But it—I mean, this was a little while ago

That girl and I—

Um, anyway

The guy and I went out on the dance floor

And there were a bunch of other people dancing

Some groups of friends

Not just couples

But obviously no guy-on-guy stuff

You know, until we started dancing

And I thought, Well, maybe I can dance near him

But, like, not with him

But then he grabbed me by the waist

And pulled me up against him

And then we’re dancing

Like, we’re really dancing

And I’m…

I remember I laughed

Like, I laughed

And then I kept laughing

And then he said ‘Are you okay?’

And I was like, ‘Yeah’

But then I kept laughing some more

And then—

And this is important—

--Like, for him, like, for how you view him

And the fact that everybody’s telling stories about, you know

Being curious or whatever, um—

Because up until that point

I couldn’t really be considered curious

So much as, like, that I was practically kidnapped, um—

He said, ‘Do you want to stop?’

And…

I mean, and he meant it, and…

And I…

You know, the song that was playing was a really good song

And, I mean, I don’t dance

Like with girls or guys or anything, not normally

And, it felt good to dance, you know?

And…okay, this is going to sound…

It felt good to have his hands on me

Does that make sense?

Like, I’m not gay or anything

I’m really not

But a guy’s hands

And a girl’s hands are just totally different

Like, biologically, physiologically different

And they feel different

And they make you feel different things

And right then, in that moment

His hands on me

Felt good

So I said—‘No, it’s cool…dude.’

And we kept dancing

And…nobody really seemed to notice us

As far as I could tell

I mean, we’re not in the Deep South or anything

So maybe I shouldn’t have been all that shocked

But it sort of made me forget who I was dancing with

And then we were just dancing

And then…

It started to feel like something?

Like, how do you dance with someone—

And I mean, really dance with them

Not like at-a-wedding-doing-the-chicken-dance

Dance with them

Without it feeling like—something?

I mean, this guy was…a really good dancer

And we kept doing that thing

Where we would sort of

Look at each other

And then not look at each other

And then look at each for longer

And then look away again

Until finally he said—

‘Dude, do you want to kiss me?’

And I said, ‘Dude, I kinda do’

And so I kissed him

Like, I—me, I—kissed him

And it was…pretty great

I mean, as far as kisses go

And then…the song stopped

The music, I mean

The lights came up

The bar was closing down for the night

And he said—

‘Thanks, man, that was fun.’

And he took off

So I walked back to my friend

And she sort of slow-clapped me, you know

She saw the whole thing

Kissing and all

And she said—

‘So how was that?’

And I said—‘Fun.  That was…fun’

I mean, it was…kind of more than fun?

But, right then, trying to come up with something

All I could come up with was…fun

‘Well,’ she said, ‘I’m glad you had a good night.’

Then she kind of looked like…

Like she was deciding something?

And she decided, I guess

I mean, after a minute

And then she said—

‘You want to come home with me tonight?’

And I was like—

‘Yeah.  Yeah, I do.’

And, uh, we’ve been dating ever since

I don’t really know

How to put all that together

I mean, we’ve—she and I—we’ve never talked about, you know, that night

And I never saw that guy again

But…

But it was…

God, I wish there was a word, you know?

It’s like—gay, straight, curious, bisexual, whatever

But then you have moments like that

Where you’re just dancing

With somebody

And you want to…to…to…I don’t know

Connect with them

In a way that—that doesn’t seem right

Or that you think is—um, inappropriate?

But you just do it anyway

Because why not?

Because who says you can’t?

You know?

But later on, you look back

And you’re still thinking

That was pretty cool

And I wish there was a word

For what that was