When I Knew You Weren't Coming Back

When you turned around the last time
I knew you weren't coming back

Nobody ever turns around in real life
Nobody ever looks back

You didn't just look at me either
You scanned me
Like a robot from the future
Running a laser up and down me
To try and imprint me
On your hard drive

I smiled
But it was uneasy
Both my smile
And the action itself, smiling
I didn't find it to be
An easy thing to do

To look at you
And know you weren't coming back
But try to pretend like you were
Because I was afraid
I was afraid in that moment
That if I showed my hand
That if I let you know that I knew
You'd make a run for it
And that would be it

Or did you want me to say something?
Did you want me to try and stop you?

I thought, Oh, if you think that I don't know
You'll say, Well, I have to come back
I can't leave if this person I love so much
Doesn't know I'm leaving for good

No matter what's going on in my head
No matter what the voices in my brain are telling me
No matter how much I may want to do what I'm about to do
I have to come back
If only to tie up loose ends
If only to have those crucial final conversations
If only to get a better look
Before disappearing forever

What was I supposed to say?
I don't have a plan for these situations

Things to say to someone who might not be coming back
But might be coming back
If you just say the right thing

I said, 'Love you, babe'
You said, 'Love you, too'

Should I have said, 'Don't go?'
Should I have said, 'Wait?'
Should I have said, 'Where are you going?'

Days went by
And I kept folding clothes
Because folding clothes is soothing
Therapists don't tell you that
It's something you instinctively just know

Fold shirts
It helps

But I kept remembering that last look

That last scan

The little corner of your smile
The downward glance
The silent sound the door made
When it closed

Maybe I accepted it
Maybe I knew you were in a lot of pain
And that this...

This was for the best

It was awful and heartbreaking and unfair, but--
It was what had to be

So maybe what I should have said
When I knew you weren't coming back was--

'It's okay.'

'I love you and if you don't come back
I understand
And it's okay'

Could I have said that?

You know...I'm not sure

I'm not sure
I could even say it
Now