We're back
I'm Lauren
You know that
It's the title of the show
Lauren's Love Recipes
The show where we teach you
How to make a special meal
For that special person
In your life
My special person was...Tom
But...Tom is now gone
And that's...you know...it's not great
For me
But indeed, it is--yes
So...let's get cooking, shall we?
That way all of you can make food
For the people in your lives
Who haven't left you
For the girl who puts the pre-made food
In the oven
As if she's some kind of genius
Or something
The whore
I mean, yes, cupcakes
We're making cupcakes
We're not making whores
Sorry--I've had a little of the cooking brandy
So I'm feeling--really good right now
But also--suicidally depressed, you know?
What am I saying?
Of course you know
This show airs at 10pm
You're watching a cooking show at 10pm
You must be depressed
And fat
Definitely fat
Jesus
Anybody who had somebody special in their life
Would be doing them right now
Not learning how to make risotto
Or cupcakes?
What are we making?
Oh, gives a damn
You know what recipe Tom used to love?
My six-tiered chocolate cake
You know how long it used to take me
To bake that cake?
To do it just right
So he wouldn't wince when he took that first bite
Subtlely-but-not-so-subtlely letting me know
That the cake wasn't quite perfect enough?
It took a long time
Hours of my life
Spent making those damn cakes
And now where's Tom, huh?
And where's all that time?
And where's my cake?
Tell me--where's my cake?
MacArthur Park--where's my fucking cake?!?!?
Wow, I really need to start using more of that brandy in everything
That is some good shit
Oh look, we already need to take a commercial
I mean, I'm assuming that's what's happening
My producers are waving at me frantically
One of them is crying
What's the matter, Rhonda?
Did you have sex with Tom too?
I know he liked to screw people in my dressing room
While I was down here
Making pecan chicken with couscous
He never gained any weight
Never
I could feed that man for hours
And he'd never gain a pound
But if I even looked at a brownie
I'd balloon out in seconds
And I have a cooking show!
Isn't that ironic?
Do you people know--Fun fact!
Do you people know
That whenever you see me trying something I've made on the show
As soon as somebody yells cut
I spit it out into a Kleenex
In case they ever want me for the cover of Good Housekeeping
Which--so far--has not happened
And now what magazine am I going to be on, huh?
Bitter Bitch Magazine?
The Lonely Cynic Gazette?
Cat Fancy?
Okay, well, let's go to commercial
While you're watching cartoon bears wipe their asses
With new ultra-soft whatever-the-fuck
I'm going to pour a shaker of salt into a bowl of chocolate
Mix it with some bacon
And wash it down with the whiskey I hide
Behind the cardboard cut-out
Of Robert Irvine in the upstairs lobby
See you after the break!
Or not
I really don't care
I'll be in my dressing room
If I'm not fired, somebody order me a pizza
I'm starving
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