Seeing If I Can

He lived down the hall from me
And he was a real bitch

And I mean a bitch
Not an asshole

Always making comments
About the girls I had going in and out

Yeah, I felt like saying, so what?
I'm in grad school
I gotta do something to stop myself
From taking a nosedive off the roof

Sometimes he'd be out in the courtyard
Wearing this little bathing suit
Thinking he was so fucking hot
And I'd want to just pour cold water
All over him

He was okay-looking, I guess
I mean, I'm not really an authority on the subject
But he was way too cocky
And that's a turn-off
I mean, it would be for me
If I was someone considering him for, you know
My attention

But he managed to get a new guy about once a week
I mean, not like me with the girls
There was one week
Where I was doing two different girls a night
And having a third one bring me breakfast in the morning

And I'm not saying that like I'm proud of it
I'm not some cock-of-the-walk or whatever
I'm just mentioning it
Because I could tell that little fucker
Thought he was such hot shit
And I was just getting all these girls
Because they were desperate or chubby or whatever
And yeah, some of them were--desperate, not chubby
But so what?
You mean to tell me
All of the guys he had at his place
Were ten out of ten's?

I fuckin' doubt it

One night he's got some guy over
And I'm horny as hell
I have a huge exam the next day
And I can't focus
Because my balls are practically exploding
It'd been, like, two days since I'd gotten any
And I couldn't find anything decent on the Internet
To jerk off to
So I'm sitting there in my living room
And I can hear this fucker going at it
Clear as a bell

So I wait, thinking of the other neighbors will, like
Call the cops or something
But no
Nothing

Finally, I've had enough
I go down the hall
I knock on the door
He opens it
Totally naked
Probably thinking he can get a rise
Out of whoever it is coming to complain

I felt like saying 'Nice try.  I see my own dick everyday.  You think I give a shit if I have to look at yours?'

But instead I asked him to keep it down
And I was polite and everything
I told him I just needed to study

'Well,' he said, 'Then maybe you should invest in some headphones.'

He started to close the door
But I put my hand on it
And pushed back

Right away, he looked nervous
Like I was going to punch the little asshole or something
Like I'm some kind of goon
Ready to do a hate crime

I didn't hate the fucker because he was gay
I hated him because he was a fucker

I'm getting an Psychology degree by the way
In case you were wondering
Human Behavior
I'm a fucking scholar
So don't think just because I'm swear I'm ignorant, all right?

I'm standing there holding the door open
And we start getting into it
Back and forth about courtesy
And him telling me to get my hand off his door
Or he was going to something something

After about a minute, this guy pops up in the doorway
About the same age as the fucker
All dressed, but you could tell he'd been getting dressed when I knocked
Probably thought he was going to have to make a quick exit

He says--'Should I go?'

And the fucker starts telling him
Go back to the bedroom
Get undressed
I'm just the asshole neighbor down the hall
Who thinks he's the shit

And I'm listening to him thinking
Man--and honestly, this might be the least homophobic
Or, like, most anti-homophobic thought I've ever had in my life
I thought to myself--

This guy
Is just
Like me

But like, parallel Universe Me
Like, the Me I would be if I were gay
And I thought--Wow, okay
So--this has the potential
To be a really interesting
Social experiment

So I look at the fucker
And I say to him--

'Send that guy home'

And he looks at me like 'What?'
And he says 'What?'
And I'm like 'Send him home.'
And he thinks I'm going to say
'So I can kick your ass' or something
But instead I say--

'I want to suck your dick'

And him and the guy
They look--
I mean, they might have taken
A collective shit at that point

And the fucker says--'Excuse me?'

And I say--'You heard me.'

Then I look at the guy standing next to him
Who's already dressed
Who doesn't know what the fuck is going on
And I say 'Send him home.'

And the fucker looks at me
And at the guy
And then back at me
And he says to the guy
But looking at me

'Go home.'

The guy doesn't even argue
He just takes off
Probably thinking this is going to end in blood
And as soon as he's down the hall
And out of sight
I turn back to the fucker
And smile

'So,' he says, 'You comin' in?'

'Fuck no,' I said

Because I just wanted to see
If I could get the best of me
You know what I mean?
If Straight Me could beat Gay Me
And what do you know?
Straight Me won

The fucker looked pissed
I told him
'Look, we're pretty much the same person
So let's try to get along from this point on, okay?'

That seemed to calm him down a little bit
And then he got this funny look on his face

'If we're pretty much the same,' he said
'Then there's no way you're turning down sex right now
Even with a guy'

.....Then he walked back to his room
And left the door wide open

I stood there for a second
Thinking

...And then I walked in
And closed the door behind me

I mean, think about it
Doesn't everybody want to know
What it'd be like
To have sex with themselves?

Hey, maybe that's just me