Oil and Canvas

I think I have a responsibility
As an artist
To not limit my potential
For experiencing beauty...

Four o'clock on a Monday
I'm painting this guy
I'm a painter

This...beautiful guy
Blonde hair
Very...very masculine, you know?
Very solid body

My girlfriend, she's an artist too
But she mostly works at night
I work in the afternoons
Sometimes in the morning
But she naps until around six
And then she wakes up
Eats something
And starts sculpting
She's a sculptor

I painted for a few hours
With the guy
Sitting there
And then when we were finished
He got up
And asked if he could see
What I'd done

So I said 'Sure'
And he walked over
And looked at the painting

Then he put his hand on it
The painting
On the spot
Where his chest was
He got the wet paint on his finger
And then he put it on his own chest

He was touching what I'd done
And then touching that part of himself
And I found that to be very interesting
I'd never seen anybody do that before

He smiled at me
I guess he was glad or surprised
That I didn't get mad
When he touched my work
But, hey, it was his too, right?
In a way?

I touched the pink paint
That I used for his lips
And, I mean, by then I'd committed to it
I put my finger on his lips

Then he took the brush
With the paint on it
And held it a few inches from me

He said 'Take off your shirt'
So I did

And when it was off
And on the ground
He ran the brush against my chest
Then he put it down
And put his finger
On the wet paint
On my skin
And then he touched his own chest
Right next to the first spot he'd made
With the paint from the canvas

We never said a word
The whole time this was going on
It just unfolded
Like such a, like such a--natural thing

And it felt just as natural
When I stood up
And took off the rest of what I was wearing
And walked out onto the patio
Only looking back once
To see if he was following me...

. . . . .

When my girlfriend woke up
I told her what had happened

We don't keep secrets from each other
And we're not easily shocked

We've also never had monogamy
In our relationship

Whatever makes me happy, I do
And the same applies to her
And that makes me happy
--That she's happy

But when I told her
She took one of her sculptures and--
--So typically, but--
She smashed it

She threw it to the ground
And it--shattered

'I don't know you'

She said--really simply, quietly
This head-shaking whisper

'I don't know you'

It wasn't an insult
Or something meant to hurt me
It was a discovery
I could see that
She had discovered this thing
But...

But so had I

'I don't know me either,' I said

- Are you going to do it again?
- With him?
- With anyone.
- Maybe?  I don't know.

I mean, how could I?
How could I know?

You think you're going to be the same thing your whole life?
No, really, I'm asking
Do you?

You think you're never going to change
You're never going to wonder
You're never going to want to try something new
To experience something you've never--

That's why we had rejected monogamy
This idea
Any idea
That things can stay the same
Even if you want them to

And that if you deny yourself the ability
To stretch
To go beyond, you know, labels
And terms
And these strict definitions
Of sex and love then--

..............................................But............................................

I guess nothing can hurt you more
Than what you don't know

And to love you something
You have to believe
You really understand it
At least, some people do
They need to
And so--
I was this thing that somebody loved
And they thought they understood me
And that was wrong
And so I hurt them

Her, I hurt her

...A month went by
And my girlfriend stopped sculpting

...But she still took those naps

Sometimes I'd go in
And lay down next to her
Just to let her know
I was there

But one day I tried to touch her
To brush some hair back
From her neck
And she said--

'Don't.  Just don't.'

I looked at her
And in the dark
On her shoulder
I thought I could see
A little spot of something

I wanted to rub at it
To see if I could erase it
Make it go away

But she didn't want me to
She didn't even want me to try
And I might have been crazy anyway
It could have just been a trick of the dark, you know?
That spot--on her shoulder
What looked like paint

I mean...

Who knows
If it was even there?