The Communist Goes Speed Dating

Hi, how are you?  I'm Ivan.
You're very pretty.
Well, uh, let's see--
I'm a Leo
Love dogs--LOVE dogs
And, uh, I'm a Communist
No, no, I don't live ON a commune
I, uh, well--do you know anything about Marx?
No, not Zeppo--I don't even--
I mean, uh--

-- Ding --

...It's mostly redistribution of wealth
And, you know, no class system
No money, no one percent
Well, I mean, there would be one percent
It's just that the one percent would be part of the rest of the...percent
So it would be like a hundred percent
...Of people...
...Who are...
...You know, it's really more political than mathematical--

-- Ding --

I was like, Trotsky, take the axe out of your head
It's not funny anymore
We get it, we get it
You have an axe in your head
You're going to die
But at the moment, you're fatally injured
And you're still challenging everybody to chess matches
But please, can't you just--

-- Ding --

...What nobody tells you is that Chinese politicians
Are HYSTERICAL!
I was at this fundraiser for something--
--Some, like, Denounce Free Speech thing--
They're always going on about that
And this General leans over and whispers to me
The BEST knock-knock joke I have ever--

-- Ding --

What you have to know about Putin is
The guy is OBSESSED with ponies
Obsessed with them
And I don't mean, like, playing the ponies either
I mean, he has the largest collection of My Little Pony memorabilia
Outside of--

-- Ding --

Czar?  I don't know
Czar you?

-- Ding --

My aunt actually runs an adult novelty store
That's right near here
I could probably get you a discount on her bigger--

-- Ding --

So, it's like, if you have three grapes
And I only have one grape
Then I kill you
...Wait, sorry, I think I'm getting this wrong

-- Ding --

Have you ever seen Reds?
It's pretty much Reds
I think
I mean, I've never actually made it
All the way through Reds
It's like eight hours long
And I can't watch Warren Beatty
For more than five minutes
Like, I can tell he knows that he's just, like, the toast of 70's Hollywood
But now you look at him
And he looks like somebody threw Kevin Bacon
Into a toaster oven
Oh my God!  Bacon--oven--is that--
Anyway, it's pretty much Reds

-- Ding --

Oh, you're a Republican?
Uh...
Yeah, I'm not sure
This is going to work out

-- Ding --